Swimmers Itch Blog

Swimmers Itch Super Bowl Predictions

noreply@blogger.com (Aaron Brandt) — Sun, 05 Feb 2012 08:37:00 PST

Bud Light will come up with a safe, generic, sort-of-funny ad that everyone will almost like for two days before it goes into extreme repeat mode. (Hello, 3D TV commercial that is still on).

Chris Collinsworth will talk about "nerves" a lot.

There will be too many animal commercials.

Some car company will think it's a good idea to just show cool videos of their car. Millions will yawn.

Tebow will get dragged under someone's bus.

GoDaddy.com will put out another completely stupid commercial that sells nothing but Danica Patrick's lack of a win in an Indy car. #neverwonarace

Bob Costas will talk about how great it is to be Bob Costas. With special comments by Bob Costas.

The Komen Foundation will sponsor the kickoff. Then they won't. Then they will decide to sponsor the kickoff again, even after people have donated money based on the results of said kickoff. Then everyone will be mad.

People will talk during the commercials and I will have to watch them tomorrow.

Facebook will legitimatly be the most annoying place on the Internet, even worse than Reddit. Michigan-Michigan State game, then the Super Bowl? Log me out.

98% of Reddit uses will say, "What is sports?" Then create overly cynical memes and drink diet pop.

I will eat two DiGiorno pizzas, a bag of sour gummi worms, a box of Chips Ahoy, chips, nachos and nacho dip stuff and drink two liters of blue Faygo.

I might get my stomach pumped.

Jim Carey or Adam Sandler will have some awful movie coming out soon.

Millions of people will utter, "what?" after Madonna performs.

Oh yeah, and the Patriots will win. Because the starting center went to GVSU at the same time I did. How many Spartans are starting?

By Aaron Brandt, Advertising and Public Relations major looking for employment. That's a hint. aaronbbrandt@gmail.com.

New Honda Ferris Bueller Commercial

noreply@blogger.com (Aaron Brandt) — Mon, 30 Jan 2012 11:35:00 PST

After a teaser that had everyone thinking Ferris Bueller 2 was coming out soon, Honda released the full version of an ad featuring Matthew Broderick essentially reprising his role as Ferris Bueller, only with the help of a Honda CR-V. Check it out below.

Honda did a great job creating some buzz with the teaser, making everyone think there was a new movie coming out. The actual short stayed true to the movie and reenacted key scenes, all the while showing off the features of the CR-V in a very non-intrusive, natural way. It wasn't like Honda went out of the way to show off specific aspects; each feature played a role in the overall plot of the short. This is a great commercial that plays to our nostalgic side, and sells a specific product very well.

9/10.

By Aaron Brandt, who is looking for a job in Public Relations or Advertising upon graduation in the spring.

Shaun White reads my blog!

noreply@blogger.com (Aaron Brandt) — Sun, 29 Jan 2012 20:49:00 PST

A few days ago, I blogged about how I thought snowboarders should lose the baggy clothing in exchange for a lighter, more aerodynamic look. Well, 2012 Winter X-Games half-pipe gold medalist Shaun White must have read my blog and heeded my advice.

My man goes out in tight pants and a smaller coat and wins the X-Games. Clockwork. Let the tight clothes revolution begin. You're welcome, Shaun White.

By Aaron Brandt, who by default must be some sort of snowboarding guru.

I would win the Winter X-Games.

noreply@blogger.com (Aaron Brandt) — Fri, 27 Jan 2012 21:25:00 PST

So it's another exciting Friday night, sitting in my living room, watching the Winter X-Games. The snowboard big air is on right now, and while pondering the feasibility of me joining this sport and taking home the gold, I came to a revelation.

What is the deal with the clothing that the participants wear?

I mean, I get it, the baggy look is what's cool, it's what Burton pays those bros and bro-etts to rock during the events, but why? If I was in the X-Games, my only concern would be winning. And if I am going to win, I am going to wear the best possible gear to accomplish such a feat. This means I would be wearing skin tight, ultra thin materials made by scientists, not some snowboard company.

Look at skaters for example. In speed skating, Shani Davis isn't out there for looks; he wants to win. You don't see figure skater Johnny Weir in over sized wearing pants with fifteen cargo pockets, he wants to win too...and look fabulous. But none the less, he still wants to win.

You would think that baggy pants and a baggy coat would just get in the way, limit flexibility, reduce speed and make me sweat too much. I would be out there on the halfpipe or big air in a blue skin tight number, throwing down perfect ten after perfect ten. Why? Because I am faster, lighter more flexible and generally more talented than anyone out there. I might not look like the typical snowboarder, hanging out at Journey's, but at the end of the night, I'd have the hardware around my neck.

Leave the baggy clothing to the kids building snow forts. Time to step up your gear game, extreme winter sports.

By Aaron Brandt, former Mt. Clemens Ice Arena sledding hill frequenter.

Camel makes her Super Bowl picks, I call foul

noreply@blogger.com (Aaron Brandt) — Thu, 26 Jan 2012 18:33:00 PST

http://newyork.cbslocal.com/2012/01/26/popcorn-park-zoos-camel-picks-giants-to-win-the-super-bowl/

So this camel named Princess made her Super Bowl pick (the Giants) again, and is currently on a six game win streak when it comes to the big game. Whatever.

I worked with camels part of last summer, and I have to tell you, they are not very smart animals. No way this camel doesn't have her nose in some sort of elaborate scheme involving the CIA, NFL and even SOPA. Where I worked, it took a camel almost all summer to learn how to walk in a tiny circle without bucking people off of its mangy hump. And even then it was too unstable to allow for anything other than the workers (myself) to ride (which was very uncomfortable, by the way).

Besides, she's only 63% right on her lifetime picks. Come on, something doesn't add up here. She's a camel, she has a terrible record, and then all of the sudden she's some kind of Super Bowl guru? Someone get Jessie Ventura on the line and figure out this conspiracy. I do not buy it. Sell, sell, sell.

This brings up another issue. Teachers out there, I love you, but you were DEAD WRONG when it came to camels. There is NO water in a camel's hump. The hump is not some kind of magical storage bag that fills up when the camel drinks. No, it is full of fat. Kids these days have no idea what a camel's main attribute is all about, and I blame the education system. Stop propagating lies and teach the youth about a camel's hump fat. What's next, Pluto is a planet? Please.

P.S. I guess we know what Santa Claus does in the off-season. Or maybe he doesn't even use reindeer, instead opting for a more durable animal such as a camel. Santa's even rocking the standard green shirt, tan hat look that all camel operators I know utilize. Good for Santa.

By Aaron Brandt, who thinks the Patriots will win. I guess. Who cares, I'm an advertising major; shut up during the commercials.

Some thoughts on SOPA

noreply@blogger.com (Aaron Brandt) — Wed, 18 Jan 2012 12:55:00 PST

Well all of the sudden, the Internet is exploding with some hubbub about the Stop Online Piracy Act, which if you haven't heard, basically gives the government more power to stop pirating online. However, it gives so much power, that individuals and websites can be shut down if they are found to be violating the terms of this bill.

This is a bad idea, just like any other expansion of government power. But this isn't a new school of thought for me, simply brought to attention by some blackout of Wikipedia or nagging pop-ups on my Tumblr. Nah, I've been against big government since 1991 (after my brief stint with the Clinton family).

What gets me is the sudden massive surge of interest in politics. Yeah, this is a very important issue, but why can't we pay attention to other political and ethical issues? Why is this the one that seemingly everyone with a Facebook is rallying around today? What about other issues? No matter what side of the issues you are on, they all have a huge impact on our everyday lives.

We have a 14.3% poverty rate.
Unemployment rates are going up.
Health insurance premiums are sky high.
Inflation has increased 3.77% since 2009.
There are 45.3 million people on food stamps.
Gas prices have doubled since 2009.
Home values are falling.
The national debt is up to $14.7 trillion.
Our deficit is up to $1.28 trillion.
There were just under 1 million legal abortions in 2008.
China owns lots of our debt.
We are at war.
The processed food we eat is killing us.
There are millions of illiterate Americans.
Public schools are failing many of our youths.

I wish we could all rally behind some of the causes above like people have against SOPA. I think it is fascinating to see websites like Reddit and Tumblr get behind an issue that is philosophically conservative. Keep the government smaller, and increase the freedom we have as US citizens. It just goes to show that people are becoming willing to ignore parties and affiliations when it comes to major issues that directly affect them.

However, simply posting links to call our senators won't get anything accomplished, which is why I fear that SOPA will succeed. It is easy to sit back all your life and then all of the sudden get into politics when your LOL Cats and term paper gold mines become threatened. My hope is that we take this new found activism and utilize it into the future. There is an election coming up, and there is a good chance a candidate (or current president, if you swing that way) can make a difference. Don't let a simple change of your profile picture be the last action you take before 2012 is over.

Note: Sopa is Spanish for soup. But Wikipedia is down, so I have no way of verifying that fact.

Sources:
http://minx.cc/?post=322086
http://www.cdc.gov/reproductivehealth/data_stats/index.htm#Abortion
Wikipedia. Just kidding.

By Aaron Brandt, who likes Campbell's Chunky SOPA.

Hershey's Miniatures Candy Bar Rankings

noreply@blogger.com (Aaron Brandt) — Tue, 27 Dec 2011 20:26:00 PST

As the Christmas season comes to a close, it is time for the only list that really matters. After weeks of deliberation and debate, I present to you the rankings for Hershey's mini candy bars, a Brandt family staple.

4. Krackel Bar. Don't even bother with this scourge of the mixed candy world. Low quality chocolate, mixed with some sort of cereal extract makes for a terrible candy. It simply has a cheap texture that is all but pleasing to the taste buds. A poor man's Crunch bar, if you will. People who enjoy infomercials and cheap knifes will get a kick out of this cavity facilitator.

3. Milk Chocolate. The classic chocolate candy. Just a great mix of smooth textures and sweet taste. You can't go wrong with this American icon, but when compared to the rest of the mix, it falls to third place. Consider it a Ford Fusion, that has to compete against a Mercedes-Benz and an Escalade.

2. Special Dark. They say eating a little dark chocolate every day helps your heart. Or your blood pressure. Or your eyesight. I have no idea what health benefits this candy has, but I do know that it tastes really good. It was meant to be eaten slowly and savored. Let the strong cocoa flavorings take control of your taste buds as you melt into a chocolaty world of friendship and happiness. This bar is good, and good for you (I think).

1. Mr. Goodbar. I don't know who Mr. Goodbar is, or why he got into the candy game, but I do know he makes killer chocolate. The combination of peanuts and chocolate wasn't enough for 'ol Goodbar; he had to take those peanuts and chop them up into smaller, more manageable bits, and mingle them with the quality milk chocolate I already discussed. The texture is unmatched in candy circles; even Kit-Kat has been notably jealous. Mr. Goodbars are the first candy I go for when that plastic bag is ripped open, freeing all that chocolaty goodness (except Krackel bars, of course). Thank you, Mr. Goodbar, for making my days merry and my seasons bright.

There you have it, the official Swimmers Itch rankings. Tune in next time as I rank the best shape of gingerbread man (arms up, arms down or arms outstretched?)

By Aaron Brandt, who would have at least consulted a lawyer about the deal Willy Wonka offered before turning it down at the end of that creepy movie/book.

Albums of the Year 2011

noreply@blogger.com (Aaron Brandt) — Thu, 22 Dec 2011 14:10:00 PST

Here are my top 15 albums of the year. This is purely my opinion, based on how much I like the music, rather than what some hipster's blog or tumblr might say. For my tastes, it was a terrific year. All of my favorite artists (even Justin Bieber) put out albums this year, making 2011 a solid year for music.

15. Every Avenue- Fall Apart
14. The Foo Fighters- Wasting Light
13. Frank Ocean- Nostalgia/Ultra
12. Drake- Take Care
11. Panic! At the Disco- Vices & Virtues

10. The Maine- Pioneer- The Maine came back quickly from their last album to further advance their sound. Pioneer is a very rock-y, upbeat album with a lot of heart. Lead singer John O'Callaghan has one of the better voices in pop-punk. Standout songs: Like We Did (Windows Down), Identify, When I'm At Home, Misery.

9. Yellowcard- When You're Through Thinking, Say Yes- Yellowcard returned from an extended hiatus to put out an album full of nostalgia. The band seems to have gotten comfortable within it's summer pop-punk sound, and Ryan Key's vocals carried the band to right where they left off with Paper Walls.

8. Mayday Parade- Mayday Parade- After ditching the co-writers, the band's newest album sounds a lot more like Mayday Parade used to back in the day. The album is full of youthful passion and catchy choruses, not to mention a few guitar solos. Standouts: Everything's an Illusion, Call Me Hopeless, But Not Romantic, A Shot Across the Bow.

7. Go Radio- Lucky Street- When Jason Lancaster left Mayday Parade, he formed this band, and continued the top notch songwriting that Mayday fans were used to. His voice alone screams emotion, and coupled with terrific lyrics and guitar work that usually cannot be found in this genre, this album is everything that Mayday Parade could have been. Standouts: Fight, Fight, Reach for the Sky, Redemption in the Verse, Kill the Beast.

6. Twin Atlantic- Free- The Irish accent only adds to this band's desperate lyrics and sound. Extremely catchy hooks and fast paced rhythms make for a terrific album from this underrated band.Standouts: Apocalyptic Renegade, Crash Land, Free.

5. Angels and Airwaves- Love Part II- The second part of Angels and Airwaves' dramatic cinematic project turned out to be better than Part I. The lyrics seemed a little more focused and the emphasis on the synthesizer proved to add a little more spacey vibes than usual. Crawl, Saturday Love, One Last Thing.

4. blink-182- Neighborhoods- When blink came back, I had the highest expectations, based off of their last album. Of course they could never live up to that, but the trio still managed to put out a solid collection of songs. I think the next album will have more focus and feel much more cohesive, but for now, I'm just glad they are back making music. Standouts: After Midnight, Snake Charmer, Even If She Falls, Kaleidoscope

3. Coldplay- Mylo Xyloto- Coldplay put out another stadium rock album, which is right up my alley. The songs are simply massive, obviously meant to fill up stadiums as they film live DVD's and make millions. But what makes this album great is the more subtle songs that remind me of Parachutes. This is the type of album that you can listen to and find something new every time. Standouts: Charlie Brown, Don't Let it Break Your Heart, Us Against the World, Every Teardrop is a Waterfall.

2. The Dangerous Summer- War Paint- This is one of the most underrated bands in rock music. The songs are full of passion, from the lead singer's voice, to the lyrics, to the guitar riffs themselves. They could use a little more variety, but they seemed to have nailed the formula they have been working on for the past few albums. Siren, Miscommunication, War Paint.

1. Bon Iver- Bon Iver- Is is a cliche to say this is the best album of the year? Probably. But that's how good it it. Justin Vernon has the ability to control emotions; taking listeners to a dreary day in Minnesota, where there's three feet of snow on the ground. At least, that's how I felt. The lyrics are just understandable enough to relate to, but also deep enough to wonder what Vernon is talking about, and the sound itself is about as American as you can get without using a banjo or fiddle. There is lots of variety between each song, yet it feels like a very cohesive album. Standouts: Calgary, Perth, Beth/Rest, Holocene, every other song on the album.

Why the Chris Paul trade was denied

noreply@blogger.com (Aaron Brandt) — Fri, 09 Dec 2011 14:36:00 PST

Recently, a huge trade involving Chris Paul, Pau Gasol, Lamar Odom and a few others was rejected by NBA commissioner David Stern. Watch the short video that explains it all if you live under a rock and don't know what I am talking about. Dangling preposition.

This seems fishy to me. Here are a few possible explainations for this trade to be rejected.

E! paid off David Stern so that Lemar Odom would stay in Los Angeles with his annoying wife so she can do annoying Best Buy advertisements and continue to be on her annoying shows on that annoying network.
The candy market in New Orleans isn't good enough to fuel Odom's addiction. Major candy lobbyists in LA stepped in and made sure this deal kept their largest client in the city of angels.
Bush was doing a flyover of New Orleans and remarked, "Ya know, it's been a while since I took the blame for ruining this city." Ray Nagan was mysteriously unavailable for comment.
The Lakers wanted Kris Humphries in the deal, but soon realized how terrible he is at basketball and it all fell apart. They contacted Stern to take the blame for such a terrible miscalculation. LOL Chris Humphries.
Justin Bieber nixed the deal as a Christmas gift to Selena Gomez. She is a huge Pau Gason fan. Biebs gets what he wants.
The Miami Marlins made a better offer to Chris Paul, offering him $300 million and a mini Hummer golf cart just to be the guy that opens and closes the roof on the new Marlins ballpark. Take that, Yankees. You don't even have a roof.
Lil Wayne refused the deal, stating “Had a lot of moments that didn’t last forever, now you’re in the corner tryin’ to put it together – how to love.” The only ones who got that reference were the staff writers at Pitchfork and Birdman.
Mark Zuckerberg stole the idea of the trade from Eduardo Saverin and it ended in a lawsuit.
David Stern's brain was claimed by the Players Association as part of the lockout deal. They gambled it away a few days later in Vegas.
Basically what happened was Michigan State played Wisconsin for the Big Ten title and lost, which threw off the time-space continuum (because State fans cried about it too much), resulting in a alternate reality version Jason Richardson winning another NCAA title, forcing Chris Paul to go to MSU, which led him to get drafted later (because Izzo ruined him) and he plays for the Spurs now. The ripples from that reality came over to our own reality and altered the trade in such a way that it could not be done. Or at least that's what I learned in Mr. Dumar's high school physics class. Sparty On! (dangling preposition)
David Stern is a hack.

Bonus- 12. Tim Tebow made the final call, because Tebow knows best. Tebow! Hashtag Tebow! #tebow

Yes, I know the banner at the top is messed up. I'll fix it, but you can blame Ron Paul for it in the meantime.

By Aaron Brandt, who thinks the moon landing was an inside job by the government as an excuse to go to war with the South. #conspiracy

Salads: The villain of Thanksgiving

noreply@blogger.com (Aaron Brandt) — Fri, 25 Nov 2011 14:20:00 PST

I hope everyone had a nice Thanksgiving. I sure did, besides the fact that the Lions blew it again and Suh is an idiot. However, I would like to take a minute to discuss one of the key issues facing the stomachs of Americans all over the country. Salads.

I simply do not see the point of salads and I never have in the past. Traditionally, the salad comes before the meal; an appetizer, if you will. However, I find nothing appetizing about salads whatsoever. Salad is glorified grass, served with a few shrived vegetables and doused in a sauce of fat, sodium and high fructose corn syrup. Basically, salad is cow food for humans.

You could eat salad all day, and never get full. In fact, world champion speed eaters consume mass amounts of lettuce in order to expand their stomachs due to the fact that salad has almost no nutritional value. The only way it tastes respectable is if it is covered in heart attack syrup. So why would I want to eat anything with no taste or satisfaction? Beats me.

And rarely is salad fresh. Nothing says yum like some limp brown leaves and soggy tomatoes. Even fresh salad has its drawbacks. The fresher the salad, the more likely a boll weevils will be crawling all over it, ready to occupy 100% of your household food items when they catch a ride from Olive Garden to your house.

I move to abolish salad. I am not a horse, content with whatever plant scraps my trainer throws at me; I want to enjoy an appetizing appetizer. Give me some nice Italian bread or at least an onion ring or two. Real food. None of this pointless salad business. Do you think the Pilgrims messed around with salad? No, they were too busy killing live animals with guns and cooking them over fire to waste time preparing a tedious salad. America. (Technically the new world at the time.)

By Aaron Brandt, frustrated salad eater.

Thanks to Mara (below average texter) for the topic.

Why I don't own an umbrella

noreply@blogger.com (Aaron Brandt) — Wed, 16 Nov 2011 12:15:00 PST

Way back in 2008, I was going over my list of junk to bring to college. Toothpaste, underwear, Lord of the Rings complete extended edition on DVD; you know, the usual. My mother suggested that I bring an umbrella in case it rains while I'm walking to class. Being the independent 18 year-old I was at the time, I scoffed and rejected such a ridiculous offer. Well mom, looks like I had good reason to deny that umbrella.

The Reflector A man reported to be carrying a gun toward ECU’s campus actually was carrying an umbrella, officials said today. Reports that he was carrying a gun prompted a three-hour long lockdown of East Carolina University and a large search of campus and surrounding area by armed police. Officials ended the lockdown just before 1 p.m., and an e-mail from Chancellor Steve Ballard said the reports turned out to be unfounded. Campus was locked down following two 10 a.m. reports that the man was walking on Fifth Street downtown toward campus. A search produced no arrest, officials said, and no hostage situations took place. Police confirmed at a news briefing at 1:30 p.m. that the man had a large umbrella in his backpack that people mistook for a rifle. Scores of armed police, with guns and rifles drawn and pointed, searched city and university buses, the Rivers Building and other campus facilities, the downtown area and a residential area near campus.

See, when you bring an umbrella to class, you send your school into lock down mode for three hours and find yourself face down on the pavement with an entire SWAT army pointing automatic weapons at you. Is that really worth it? I'll put up my hood and forge through the worst of what West Michigan has to offer if it means not getting shot in the name of dry clothing.

By Aaron Brandt, anti-umbrella, anti-get-mistaken-for-a-terrorist.

Wild animals on the loose in Ohio!

noreply@blogger.com (Aaron Brandt) — Wed, 19 Oct 2011 14:02:00 PDT

"Townspeople hid indoors Wednesday as deputies with high-powered rifles hunted down and killed lions, bears, tigers and dozens of other exotic beasts that escaped from a wild-animal park after the owner threw their cages open and committed suicide. After an all-night hunt that extended into the afternoon, nearly all of the 50 or so escaped animals had been either gunned down or captured alive, authorities said. As of midafternoon, the only animals still on the loose were a wolf and a monkey, according to the sheriff's office." The Denver Post

Typical Ohio. Letting some nut job stockpile some of the world's most dangerous animals until he lets them all out and then kills himself. I worked at a zoo all summer, so I consider myself to be an expert when it comes to taming wild beasts, and even I think this is ridiculous. You could just be running along the road, training for the Cleveland Marathon, and BOOM, you are trampled by a giraffe and eaten by a lion. No time to even fight back. I blame LeBron.

And of course animal rights activists are up in arms over the sheriff's order to shoot and kill the animals on the lamb (pun). I mean, we don't want to hurt those innocent animals as they tear through the local elementary school, would we? In reality, we have a once in a life time opportunity here. People pay thousands to travel to Africa for a chance to shoot some big game, but now you can hop in the car for a few hours and fire away at all the safari creatures you want! If I lived in Ohio, I'd be setting bait traps and spike pits like I was Tom Hanks on Castaway. Just hoping for my one moment of glory. Babe Winkleman's Outdoor Secrets will be all over that.

Also, I picture the rouge monkey and wolf as best friends. Like, they are smarter than all the other animals, so they decided to work together. The monkey rides on the wolf's back, terrorizing the country side with pranks and other nonsense, and when the situation gets heavy, the wolf goes all White Fang on everyone and then it's back to monkey business. Just two wild animal bros having a great time in Ohio. The same cannot be said for Roary the Lion over there...

By Aaron Brandt, who received a "B" in his high school PE archery unit. Bull's eye.

PS. Ohio apparently can't spell "animals" when it matters most? Ani Als.

Words with Fronds

noreply@blogger.com (Aaron Brandt) — Tue, 18 Oct 2011 16:23:00 PDT

An original artwork by Aaron Brandt.

By Aaron Brandt, Mt. Clemens Library Scrabble champion 2002.

This week in music

noreply@blogger.com (Aaron Brandt) — Mon, 17 Oct 2011 20:59:00 PDT

Here is a smattering of sound waves, a proverbial who's who of musical artists and brand new songs currently shuffling through my iPod, which Steve Jobs himself forged at Mordor with his bare hands. Click the links to legally listen to each song. Some of them are so piping hot fresh that there are no YouTube links. So find it yourself.

1. Princess of China- Coldplay (feat. Rihanna)
2. Verses the Mirror- States (Happy birthday, Molly)
3. Toes- Lights
4. Without You- David Guetta (feat. Usher)
5. Call me Hopeless, But Not Romantic- Mayday Parade
6. Where I Belong- Switchfoot
7. Crash- You Me At Six
8. All That Comes Out of My Mouth- Carolina Liar
9. Radiosurgery- New Found Glory
10. After Midnight- blink-182
11. Television- Jack's Mannequin

12. Slightly old jam- Crawl- Kings of Leon

13. Really old jam-Chicago is so Two Years Ago- Fall Out Boy

14. Mashup/Dubstep/House jam- Paper Towels- Kap Slap

By Aaron Brandt, copy/paste expert.

Michigan vs. Michigan State: The ugly aftermath

noreply@blogger.com (Aaron Brandt) — Sat, 15 Oct 2011 13:45:00 PDT

So I don't know if any of you heard, but Michigan State beat Michigan 28-14 and I found the resulting Facebook/Twitter response more than humorous. Let me go over the classic reaction/war of words between Michigan and State fans.

MSU Fan: "Hey Michigan, we beat you 28-14! Four years in a row, little sister!"

Michigan fan: "Yeah, but we are 67-33-5 overall against your sorry school."

MSU Fan: "I don't care about the past. What was the score this year, little sister?"

Michigan fan: "We are still smarter than all of you anyway. You go to a farm school."

MSU fan: "Yeah? Your girls are all ugly, little sister."

Michigan fan: "At least we don't play dirty like you guys do."

MSU Fan: "We overcame all 13 of those penalties and you still lost by 14, little sister."

Michigan Fan: "At least we didn't cheat like you guys did 10 years ago. Spartan Bob."

MSU fan: "Scoreboard. Let's play basketball, little sister."

Michigan fan: "Your program is not elite."

MSU fan: "Your quarterback is not elite."

Michigan fan: "Why don't you go burn a couch."

MSU fan: "All of your fans are Walmart Wolverines."

Michigan Fans: "Because our school's standards are so high. That's why you didn't go here. You couldn't get in with your GPA. Go deliver my pizza"

MSU Fan: "Who won the game again?"

Michigan Fan: "We should have because you guys are cheaters. And your uniforms are ugly. That's not even your school's colors."

MSU Fan: "You don't even have a mascot."

Michigan Fan: "You will work for me someday."

MSU Fan: "You will...You...We...What was the score?

Michigan fan: "You smell bad."

MSU Fan: "You smell worse."

Michigan fan: "Want to stop pretending we care about football so much, and watch the Tigers game tonight?"

MSU Fan: "Sure."

Michigan fan: "Ok, save a pizza for the game, after you are done with your delivery route."

By Aaron Brandt, noted college football rivalry dialog writer.

Picture credit: Dale G. Young/The Detroit News

The TBS strikezone is wrong!

noreply@blogger.com (Aaron Brandt) — Tue, 04 Oct 2011 12:38:00 PDT

I hate that stupid little box on the right side of the screen called Pitch TRAX, that displays balls and strikes. During playoff games, it sits there, flashing every single pitch. But who died and made this computer king? Instead of actually watching the game and understanding the nuances of an individual umpire's strike zone and style, we blindly depend on some computer made by the same network that gives us Meet the Browns? Why? If you paid any attention, it was clear to see that the computer was not always perfect. But there it was, acting as the be all end all when it came to balls and strikes.

Take a look at the called strike zone by umpire Wes Gerry Davis. Yankees fans and Tigers fans alike complained about how off the calls were. Well, maybe if they paid attention to the game, and not the computer program that Tyler Perry put together while filming Madea Goes to McDonalds, the haters would have seen the consistency. In fact, it appears as if the Tigers got the smaller strike zone. But not accoridng to the technology that Stuey Griffin programmed. Baseball isn't a game of perfection. There are so many wrinkles that change day to day, such as the strike zone, first base calls and even the way the infield dirt is watered. To get worked up about balls and strikes based on the interpretaion of a computerized system that is clearly flawed is futile. Just watch the game, friends.

By Aaron Brandt, who is trying to repair all the floorboards on the Tigers' overloaded bandwagon. Tigers in 4, 5 or Yankees in 5. Game, set, match. Fried.

P.S. I am writing this blog in my sports writing class while watch a documentary about professional wrestling. Yes, I am improving my writing by not paying attention in my writing class. Tuition money at work, people.

P.P.S. Get baseball off TBS.

Writer's Block: The Musical

noreply@blogger.com (Aaron Brandt) — Fri, 23 Sep 2011 08:27:00 PDT

I open a new blog post. Blank page. No ideas. No motivation. Glancing at the white text box I see my enemy, that little blinking bar in the top left corner. It just sits there, flashing it's skinny frame at a regular interval, taunting me, "Hey, Brandt, when was the last time you blogged? August? You're no blogger. You are a hack. Go back to using Twitter with the rest of the bad writers." I can momentary silence his vitriol by typing a few meaningless words, but he comes right back, knowing that those characters have no purpose or direction.

Technically this pixelated demon is called an insertion point, but who really cares. He is nothing more than a reminder that I have not blogged about anything significant since July (hello Cru, and your nebulous new name), aside from a few stupid pictures and a few average video clips. And Mr. Insertion Point knows it. He knows that I haven't had time to write a decent blog. He knows I haven't even been looking for topics. And he knows that I have resorted to asking the Facebook world for topics. Oh the humanity.

So what am I going to do about it? I will kill Mr. IP. He is a dead man. I will forge through this drought of creativity and thought with shotgun blasts of words and paragraphs. I'll set up a hotline for people to call in and request topics. I'll open a P.O box so anyone can mail me ideas. I'll hire a staff to scour the web for interesting stories that I can obliterate with sarcastic salvos. Topics on topics. Posts on posts. Blogs on blogs. It might get messy, but I am willing to try anything to rid my dreams of IP's haunting regularity. Blink. Blink. Blink. Blink. Enjoy it while you can, digital spawn of Bill Gates. I'm putting you out of a job like Steve Jobs.

By Aaron Brandt, who just bought a new set of Pilot G2 pens (blue).

New Chipotle ad "Back to the Start"

noreply@blogger.com (Aaron Brandt) — Sat, 03 Sep 2011 11:28:00 PDT

Has anyone seen the new ad from Chipotle? Here it is.

I think this is one of the best advertisements for fast food in a while. People love cute little animated animals, Willie Neslon, Coldplay and happy endings; this ad has it all. The music is set perfect to the video, and Nelson's voice gives the song a purely American twist. I don't know if anyone has seen how meat is processed these days, but it is enough to make you only eat vegetables for the rest of your life.

What the ad really does well is forge an emotional connection to Chipotle. In the ad, the Chipotle farmer is he hero, saving all the animals from steroids, chemicals and general abuse from modern food processing. The viewer feels for the animals, and when they are released, the viewer cannot help but see Chipotle as one of the good guys. Instead of trying to sell one new product, Chipotle sells itself as a whole organization. Therefore any new product that comes out will be associated and directly connects to this advertisement.

When I first heard Willie Nelson was covering a Coldplay song (one of the best songs of all time), I was skeptical. But this ad really hit its mark in reversing the common perception that all food is processed in a way that would make a garbage man cringe. I think my grandma would even like this commercial. Solid advertising.

By Aaron Brandt, who is not a vegetarian, country music fan or supporter of PETA.

I told ya'll.

noreply@blogger.com (Aaron Brandt) — Sat, 27 Aug 2011 12:08:00 PDT

One week until football.

Rapidfire Round Two

noreply@blogger.com (Aaron Brandt) — Mon, 15 Aug 2011 16:54:00 PDT

I asked for topics. Thanks for your responses. Here goes.

Pizza Toppings- Should be limited to either pepperoni, green peppers or chicken. Anything else is just trying too hard.
Custodians- The unsung heroes of America. They do everything we don't want to, including clean up the women's bathroom, which are always dirtier than the men's bathrooms.
Hipsters- I don't have a problem with hipsters, as long as they keep their hand rolled cigs out of my airspace and tone down the condescending looks because I wear Nike's 94% of the time. I like some of your music, excluding Vampire Weekend. Or did they sell out too much already to be considered hipster? Yes? Well I still can't stand them.
Cassie Wygant- Some girl that I know that wanted me to blog about her. Enjoy your five minutes of fame.
Divit- Some girl that wanted me to blog about her's dog. Sorta looks like a rat. Might actually be a rat.
Toads and their blankets- A reference to a comment by a girl who wanted me to blog about her regarding the fact that she considered bricks to be "toad blankets." I cannot make this up, folks.
Hummingbirds- How do they do it? Flying around all paranoid and such. Chill out, bird, the fake plastic flower feeder thing's gonna be there tomorrow, no mater how fast you flutter your little wings.
Copper Beech- The place in which I live. I have to be careful what I say, or the main office will call and vaguely threaten a lawsuit. So umm, yeah, it's a great place to live...
Twilight- I haven't read the books or seen the movies, but I do know that everyone hates the main character because she is a bad person. I can't get into that. And Taylor Lautner is in that movie, right? The kid who everyone thinks is going to GVSU next year? Yeah, because a millionaire actor would enroll in a DII university. For what, an advertising and PR degree? (happy, Susín?) Ok. Besides, we have Lautner look-alike Mark Riashi Jr. already.
Color blindness- I've always wondered, do we perceive colors differently? Like, when I see red, is that actually your blue? Are we all color blind? What is it like to live on the planet Kamino and have the ability to see into the ultraviolet spectrum? Did Han shoot first?
Sporks (more spoon or fork?)- Are you blind? Obviously more spoon. I'll be honest, anything you can do with a spork, I can do with a spoon. The prongs on a spork aren't big enough to stab anything worth stabbing. Spoons on spoons on spoons.
Sex in the City- Never seen it, never will.
VHS Tapes- Classic. However, I don't miss constantly having to press the tracking button. Actually I don't miss anything about VHS tapes. What is a VHS tape?
Is camping in a trailer really camping? Are you kidding me? If you think camping in a trailer is really camping, then you must think that power walking is running. No, camping is done in tents, without electricity or running water, or bathrooms. Camping means you cook your own food, poop in a hole in the ground and brush your teeth with dirt. Don't come to me with your "camping" inside of a mobile building. Go back to some barren parking lot and drink Busch Light with the rest of the rednecks.
What exactly is a rack? A rack is slang for one thousand dollars. So apparently rapper Young Chris has thousands upon thousands upon thousands of dollars, according to his song.
#hashtags- A cool way to make parts of a tweet stand out. However, using this in any other situation, such as on Facebook, MySpace or college research papers is downright #unacceptable. Follow me on Twitter. http://twitter.com/AaronBrandt

This concludes round two of rapid fire. Thank you for participating.

By Aaron Brandt. Blogs on blogs on blogs.

Website review: Collectible Supplies

noreply@blogger.com (Aaron Brandt) — Wed, 27 Jul 2011 16:51:00 PDT

Growing up, I had a large amount of sports collectibles in my room. I acquired them mostly through garage sales. At this point in my life, I am slowly getting rid of all these knickknacks. Some of my favorite pieces were various schutt mini helmets. Obviously my favorite was the University of Michigan Wolverines helmet I got as a birthday gift way back in the day. Now had I decided to further my collection, a good place to start would have been Collectible Supplies, a website dedicated to the sales of various sports collectibles. Their Schutt helmet collection is very large, featuring teams from most major colleges. The site even features rare throwback helmets from older teams. They also have collectibles from all major sports, including the NFL, NCAA, NBA, MLB, NHL, NASCAR and other minor sports. You want a new pair of Everlast MMA gloves? Boom. Is a Detroit Red Wings Mr. Potato Head Doll on your Christmas list? Look no further. What about that Minnesota Twins hitch cover that grandpa has always wanted? Got it. The variety of products on this website makes it a useful tool for the casual and serious collector alike. Purchasing is easy, with credit card or PayPal options. The site also features a nice "order tracking" feature, which allows the user to follow the status of their precious collectible. So if you are looking to expand your collection beyond a few bobbleheads, take some timeout of your day and head to Collectible Sports.

Campus Crusade changes name; takes out Christ

noreply@blogger.com (Aaron Brandt) — Fri, 22 Jul 2011 08:51:00 PDT

Day old news, but I was too busy getting a library card to blog about this. Basically the Christian college organization Campus Crusade for Christ is changing its name to Cru. Why, you ask? Well, why don't we find out from the vice president, Steve Zellers.

"We felt that our name was getting in the way of accomplishing our mission. Our name was becoming more and more of a hindrance. It’s reverted back to some of its meaning related to the Middle Ages – forcing Christianity on different parts of the world,” he said (FoxNews). Nine percent of Christians and twenty percent of non-Christians were "alienated" by the name, according to their research. "We've been having issues with two words in the name -- campus and crusade," said Zellers.

I can see the rationale to drop the "crusade" from the name; as not to associate with the crusades from the Middle ages, but they fail to explain why "Christ" was left out in the cold. You want to disassociate yourself from the crusades? Then don't use an abbreviation of the word as your new name, then take out Christ. And how can the word "campus" cause issues?

The pathetic explanation for dropping Christ was explained in the Huffington Post:
"Cru enables us to have discussions about Christ with people who might initially be turned off by a more overtly Christian name," said Cru's FAQ section. "We believe that our interaction and our communication with the world will be what ultimately honors and glorifies Christ."

Let me get this straight. In order to bring more people to Christ, you are dropping Christ from your name so that people don't think your group is associated with Christ? I mean, what a ridiculous concept, for a Christian organization to have an "overtly Christian" name, right? (Please note dripping sarcasm.) Personally, I don't think tricking people into joining your organization is the best way to spread the Gospel. You say that your communication will be what honors and glorifies Christ? What about the communication to the world that Christ in your name is a "hindrance?"

The 16th verse of Romans comes to mind, "I am not ashamed of the gospel, because it is the power of God for the salvation of everyone who believes: first for the Jew, then for the Gentile." Note that Paul does not say anything about alienating people because he calls himself a Christian here. Or Luke 9:26 "Whoever is ashamed of me and my words, the Son of Man will be ashamed of them when he comes in his glory and in the glory of the Father and of the holy angels."

Newsflash, if you think changing your name will bring in people that feel alienated by Christianity, then you might want to reconsider your public relations strategy. What an underhanded way to bring people into your organization.

I gave Cru a try back in the day, and I have to say, it was not my cup of tea. That's another blog for another time, but I do feel that a non-Christian would be very alienated by what goes on inside the organization, rather than it's name. I simply don't think it is a very good idea to change the name because a small percentage did not like it.

So many Christian organizations are hidden behind nebulous names such as InterVarsity (I thought it was some sort of intramural tennis club for about a year), Agape, Kairos, Power to Change, Promise Keepers and See You at the Pole (what?). Why not be honest and have an "overtly Christian" name? I'm sorry, but this is just not a good look for Cru. It sends a terrible message to the whole world. A message that says "we are afraid of offending people with the name of Christ." Cru is an internal nickname that works amonst those who were already part of the organization. Cru is not a brand that can carry the organization, or even try to explain what goes on within itself. But Zeller couldn't care less.

“Much like lots of brand names they don’t necessarily have meaning in and of themselves,” he said. “It is a name we intend to give meaning so that when people hear it they know that it’s a caring group of Christians who are passionate about lifting up the name of Jesus.” Forcing meaning to a meaningless name? Could there be a more risky PR strategy?

In conclusion, Cru could have easily dropped "crusade" from it's name, and kept Christ. I don't care about their explanation or what really goes on within the organization, it is the public's perception of the change that matters. And so far every single news report has had a negative headline regarding the change. This causes the public's perception of the organization to change in a bad way. There are almost no positive comments on these articles, and that should not surprise anyone. It just looks bad on Cru's part. Cru folded to the pressures of a politically correct world, and took a substantially weak stance. Now they have to clean up the mess and put out a few more hurried "explanations" before they lose all credibility.

P.S. The Lutheran campus organization is called "Christ on Campus." Just saying.

By Aaron Brandt, who was impressed with the Allendale Public Library's collection of "The Book Thief." They had about ten copies.

I'm on Google+

noreply@blogger.com (Aaron Brandt) — Mon, 18 Jul 2011 18:04:00 PDT

I just got on Google's new social network, and I am in the middle of figuring it out. Seems pretty cool so far, as long as lots of people start using it. It makes Facebook look cluttered. I really like how it connects all of Google's various services together in one place. It's nice for bloggers and users of Picasa, such as myself. And there is no such thing as Farmville or Mafia Wars and all the other stupid apps that clutter up my newsfeed.

So if you are on Google+ already, add me. And if you want an invite, I'll send you one, as long as you promise to read my blog. Or send me cash donations. https://plus.google.com/u/0/110047240368336667496/posts

And for the op-ed section of this post; I think it's funny when people knock new social network sites and updates. For example, when people talk about how much they hate Twitter when they don't even have an account. Now it's all about how Google+ is stupid because Facebook already exists. Or when people complain about a change on Facebook that we will all get used to in a day or two. If we had a choice, none of us would go back to the old versions of Facebook and such. There's the rant. Again, if you want an invite, hit me up and I'll do what I can. And add me to your circles if you have Google+. Also, +1 this post.

By Aaron Brandt, who used Twitter before it was cool and MySpace after it was cool.

Zip line crash! At a wedding!

noreply@blogger.com (Aaron Brandt) — Thu, 07 Jul 2011 06:55:00 PDT

Check out this video. It really got me worked up this morning.

My job at the zoo is to ensure the safety of all riders on the zip line. We go over inspections, safety checks, rules, more safety checks and attach a harness which reduces circulation by 12% when you have it on all day. So when I see something like this, well, I can't say I feel bad for anyone. Let's break this down.

Mistake #1- The bride clearly is not adhering to rule number four, which instructs riders to keep their hands on the rope, or keep them at their sides. Instead she goes flailing like a wounded bird, which could easily knock the trolley off of the line, causing her to get stuck or at least slow down (which happened).

Mistake #2- Clearly the bride ignored the "no dresses allowed" rule. I mean, come on, how is she supposed to put on the leg straps? Let's not get into the details of why that wouldn't work.

Mistake #3- This dude is the definition of people I can't stand. I can explain all the rules very clearly, telling them not to run or jump at the end of the platform, and what do they do? Take a running start and swan dive off the edge. Umm, bro, when you start at a high rate of speed on a downward angle, you are going to end at a high rate of speed. And the 18 year old girl at the other end will not be able to catch your beer gutted body when it slams into her at 100 MPH. In this case, just married Justin slams newly wed Wanda and the rest is history.

Mistake #4- Good idea, getting on the line when someone else isn't even at the other side yet, Hot Rod. I mean, with your running start, there is no way you will hit her, especially since she slowed herself down by flapping her arms...Oh wait, never mind.

Mistake #5- Was this dude even attached? I mean, the harness I put on people has three carabiners attaching the person to the rope and a two piece, Petzel harness which is certified climbing gear. It is impossible to fall off, even if someone acts as stupid as this guy. Was he just holding on to the rope? Good idea, man.

Mistake #6- The camera guy. Dude, just shut up and film. Let Tom Bergeron and Bob Sagat narrate your video later. Instead he chimes in with an insightful "I got it all on fiiiiilllllmmmm. That's Youtubin'...I'm Youtubin' that shh...I'm Youtubin' that, Red." I bet Red doesn't even care, or have a computer for that matter. Red is just happy about the open bar, which is clearly where the groom was right before he got onto the zip line.

In summary, it is always a good idea not to act like an idiot when you are attached to a half inch wire while suspended off of the earth. It makes my job easier, reduced your medical bills and save the life of the 112 pound girl at the catch side if you follow the rules and just enjoy the ride. So please, come to the zoo and visit me at work. Our zip line is 100% safe, and 100% fun. Juicy Juice. 100% juice for 100% kids. (paying the bills)

By Aaron Brandt, who does not do anything with lions or animal poop at his job. He remembers when that joke was funny. Oh wait, he doesn't.

Worst father ever?

noreply@blogger.com (Aaron Brandt) — Sun, 19 Jun 2011 19:34:00 PDT

Happy Father's Day; here's a video to make yourselves feel like great parents, no matter who you are.

Umm, worst dad ever award winner here? I think it's parenting rule number one that you, under no circumstances, let your child pick up dead animals. Yet this dude is just filming his daughter rub roadkill all over herself. I'm not sure how one can intentionally get rabies, but if I had to do it, this would be one of my first ideas. Find the nearest pancaked creature and slather his carcass all over my shirtless body. I'm sorry, but are 1.9 million views on YouTube worth having your daughter foam at the mouth like she's Tea Cake from "Their Eyes were Watching God?" Then you have snooty comments from mom, "Do you think she will be a vegetarian after this?" Uhh, if by vegetarian you mean she won't be able to eat anymore because she is in an iron lung, then yes, she will be a vegetarian. If your daughter's future diet is your main concern, as she rubs a rodent's rancid bodily fluids all over her Pull Ups, then you might want to hire a nanny. "Now take a video of the mom." Calm down spotlight hog, Child Protective Services will give you plenty of attention in your interview. I think there is a direct relation between the number of subscribers to his YouTube channel and the number of days the girl spends in the hospital.

Contrast that with my dad, who happens to be the greatest dad of all time. When he brings dead animals into the equation, it is in the form of a mounted deer used to scare me from outside of my window when I was 7. Or the fact that my old cat "ran away," until we found out he was eaten by a dog. Five years later. And when a squirrel actually did try to spread his rabies on our family, pops nearly shot him off the roof with a rifle. And I would NOT have been allowed to rub Norman's (that was his name) bullet riddled squirrel chest all over my buzz cut. No, my dad is the greatest dad ever, and don't you forget it. I have been blessed to have such a great example as a person, and a Christian as my father. And he has a pretty good blog, too.

By Aaron Brandt, who still wonders how the last cat actually died. #SuspiciousCircumstances.

Thanks to Chuck I. for the heads up on the video.

Links for 2010-04-11 [Digg]

Mon, 12 Apr 2010 00:00:00 PDT

Stop The Madness Steve Jobs!
Apple has updated its developer terms, these new terms will shut down many current developers, and disallow many popular game engines and other apps. Now is the time for us to band together, spread the word, and help Stop The Madness.

Links for 2010-03-20 [Digg]

Sun, 21 Mar 2010 00:00:00 PDT

New layout and amazing pictures
Pictures of biblicals scenes if you could see them from Google Earth