One of the hardest, yet greatest aspects to being a part of the “LGBT” community is our unparalleled diversity.  It’s not possible to categorize LGBT people because we are as diverse as the human race itself.

I can’t think of any other minority group that has such richness, or that is as rife with internal dilemmas, as our community.  How on earth are we supposed to band together to fight for our rights when there are so many issues on which we cannot see eye to eye?  How do we overcome our foreignness to each other, or better yet, make use of our wonderful diversity to create a cohesive, powerful community?

Hell if I know.  Nor do I intend to attempt an answer to any of the above questions.  What I intend to do instead is discuss one special lesbian I adore.  A lesbian I feel absolutely alone in adoring.  That lesbian is Suze Orman.

Suze Orman is a goddess.  She is everything I would want in a woman, if I wanted women in that way.  She’s smart.  She’s beautiful.  She’s rich.  She’s sharp witted and funny.  I love her voice.  She likes to listen to people and give them advice.  She’s not afraid to tell someone that they’re a dumb fuck .  And best of all, she knows how to handle money.  I get practically dizzy just thinking about her.

Being responsible with money is a value that was drilled into me by both my parents as a child.  I was taught to disdain people who could not balance a checkbook or who regularly overspent.  There was an unspoken rule in my family that everyone is allowed to bounce a check once in a blue moon, but it you did it more than once every few years you were a complete retard and a moron and you should have all your money taken away from you and handed over to someone who knows better.

My parents are staunch democrats, so let me be clear that this kind money-centric rearing was never about having to make smart investments, or knowing how to make your money grow.  It was only about knowing how to live within your means and not become a burden on other people.

There were clear rules on the timing and handling of money in our house.  Here’s how it works:  Step one:  you get your paycheck.  Step two:  you pay out what you owe.  Step three:  you put some away in savings.  And then the final step:   you can use the rest for whatever you please, whether it be giving to charity or spending it on yourself.

I always thought this four-step program made perfect sense, and have never understood why every other person on Earth doesn’t feel exactly the same way I do about this.

My mother is especially vehement about these values, and although she has a lot of relationship conflicts with my father, they always seemed to agree on the importance of responsibility in personal finance.  (Just for the record, my dad is twice as vehement as she is and usually has to be convinced to spend any money at all.)

I knew that I could never marry, or even live with, someone who is irresponsible with money.  As shallow as it may sound to the true romantics out there, my feet were always planted on the ground firmly enough to know that wise handling of money was rule #1 in choosing a life mate.  No matter how crazily in love I might be with someone, if they were a regular check bouncer or a person perpetually caught up in a personal financial crisis, a long term committed relationship would simply never work.  It’s always been very important to me that I can trust whomever I’m with not to put me in any kind of financial jeopardy by their own laziness or lack of responsibility concerning money.

Which brings me back to Suze Orman.  I don’t have one single friend who likes her.  I mentioned to a close friend recently how much I care for Suze, and my friend responded “Suze is a total bitch.  She thinks that people with bad credit don’t deserve love” and then proceeded to tell me how another friend of hers likes to say things like “FUCK YOU Suze Orman!  We’re GETTING  a donut!”

I think these people are wrong, needless to say.

Ok, so I don’t really have any kind of coherent ending to tie this piece together.  Except to say that it’s been a long time since I’ve had a really close lesbian friend.  (I had one for a number of years, but we had a falling out and then she died.)  So I’m in the market for a new lesbian buddy.  Suze, if you’re reading this, will you be mine?

Or, if you are a lesbian who also loves Suze Orman for all the reasons I do, please email me at cp.marytylermoore@yahoo.com so that we can be best friends and call each other every five minutes.  OK?

CP

I Worship At The Altar of Suze Orman originally appeared on A World of Progress TeamZine on October 27, 20092009-10-27T04:00:14ZF j, Y.

Related posts:

1. The Softer Side of Activism

Winning the right to marry in several states is certainly a step in the right direction towards equal treatment. However, until the federal government acknowledges unions between ALL COUPLES as marriages, with all the same rights on a local, state and federal level, we have a long, long way to go. Currently gay couples consistently pay much more in taxes, benefits, legal fees and insurance than their heterosexual married counterparts. Civil unions don’t protect you fully and neither do domestic partnerships. The definition of these two “alternatives” varies widely from state to state. Marriage is marriage is marriage.

Recently in their Money section, the New York Times ran an article entitled The Higher Lifetime Costs of Being a Gay Couple. I’m not gonna lie. It pissed me off. The Times hypothetical worst case scenario costs a lesbian couple a whopping $467,000 more over the course of their committed relationship than their straight counterparts — almost half a million dollars is the cost of being with your same-sex partner. (That’s some big, beautiful house, eh?)

This article puts things into a black and white perspective and clearly shows an element of continuing discrimination simply because we choose partners of the same sex. The NYT investigation looked at the obvious culprits, but considering that there are over 1,138 federal protections, rights and benefits that are based solely on marital status, no investigation could possibly cover all the ways in which we… well… get screwed.

With the debates raging around health care, I think the additional money we pay in health insurance costs is a timely point to make. For instance, even if your company allows your same-sex partner to be added to your health care benefits, your partner’s portion of the premium will be taxed. An employee with a heterosexual spouse, pays the premium for their spouse with pre-tax dollars. This can be a substantial difference. I looked into adding my partner to my employer’s health insurance (my employer allowed for same-sex couples to be covered, but did not contribute to that coverage), and my premium would have risen over 400%… and I would have been taxed on that increase! If my partner had a child that I provided for, my premium (taxed) would have increased 800%.

Perhaps this is why a recent UCLA study found that “individuals in unmarried partnerships are substantially less likely to have health insurance than their married counterparts.”  This means straight as well as gay couples, but the straight couples have a choice, whereas homosexual couples do not. This being the case, yet another all-too-real expense that same-sex couples might endure is the increased financial risk of having a major health issue for an uninsured partner. Considering that premiums for health care have continued to increase (they have grown by 87% since 2000 based on a study done by the Kaiser Family Foundation), many people are priced out of the health insurance market. Obviously salaries have not kept up.

I was in a ten-year relationship with a woman who had a son (my “sonish”) from a prior heterosexual marriage.  While we were together, I provided the majority of the housing, food and clothing for my “sonish”. If I’d had the same role in a straight marriage, I would have been able to claim 3 dependents, earned-income credit (EIC), other deductions and his student loan when he went off to college.  As it was, I could claim nothing. In fact, for the majority of those ten years, I had to file single status and could not even claim “Head of Household” despite being so.

Only recently did my home state of Oregon begin to allow me to claim a non-working same-sex partner as a dependent. Since state deductions are based on federal returns, I have to fill out an additional “dummy” return as if I were in a married hetro-couple. A same-sex couple incurs more tax preparation costs because they can file jointly in their state (if the state recognizes same-sex couples on tax returns) but still must file as single on the federal return and additionally prepare this “dummy” federal joint return. That’s four tax returns versus two for a married couple.

If you own a house with a mortgage and one partner pays the mortgage and taxes, but isn’t named on the mortgage itself, the entire deduction is lost for federal taxes. The partner holding the mortgage can’t claim it, nor can the one paying it. A straight married couple can claim this deduction. Depending on the size of your mortgage and the value of your property, this is another substantial financial loss for same-sex couples.

Feel like you’re on a merry-go-round spinning far too fast? Dizzy after jumping through so many queer hoops? Here’s more:

If you dissolve your same-sex marriage, civil union or DP and get a ‘divorce’ you lose once again. With heterosexual couples, the home gets split as do other assets and there are no tax consequences. For a same-sex couple, if the house is split, the state might accept that as non-taxable, but the IRS will either see half of the house as a gift (possibly taxable depending upon the amount) or compensation for “services rendered” which would also be taxable. And “services rendered”?!! I find that more than a little insulting…

If alimony is ordered, the state might let the partner paying alimony write it off, but the federal government won’t. Again, alimony for gays, even if ordered by a court, would be considered a gift or “services rendered” and be taxable… Three times, as it turns out… once when it is earned, and again when it is paid (since the IRS won’t let you use the deduction), and another time when it is received. The partner receiving the alimony income has to decide how to file it with the IRS:  as alimony income, other income or self-employed income.

Each year, it is estimated that same-sex couples pay approximately 25% more per year than their heterosexual counterparts in taxes alone. Needless to say, this all adds up over the course of a couple’s lifetime. Feeling pissed off yet?

Those 1,138 benefits and protections aren’t just about taxes. They also include things like Social Security benefits (monthly income, death benefits and survivorship), immigration policy, Family Medical Leave Act, Worker’s Compensation survivorship benefits, pensions and on and on…

I know a gay couple who are multi-millionaires who have been together for 25 years. They can afford to hire the best attorneys and experts to make sure they are covered and protected to the best ability of the law, even though all their preparations may still fall short. My point? A straight married couple gets these protections automatically, whereas we have to pay for them out of pocket and still never come close.

Adding insult to injury are those heterosexual couples who choose to get married earlier than comfortable or married period, specifically to take advantage of spousal benefits and tax breaks. So much for the sanctity of marriage…

When same-sex couples wed, they wed because it means something to them. It’s the best protection we have, albeit flawed federally and in most states, for our partners and ourselves. It’s a validation of our relationship, our love and commitment to each other and yes, it affords some benefits and protection on a state level IF the state recognizes same-sex partnerships. It certainly isn’t for financial gain, as some who oppose same-sex marriage claim… at least not until all states and the federal government consider same-sex couples equal to their straight counterparts.

It’s a slap in the face each time we have to put “single” on a form or pay that extra 25% in taxes, or worse, when faced with health challenges and retirement. It’s a slap in the face each time a straight couple marries for added financial benefits based solely on marital status. It’s a slap in the face to us each time one of us is turned away from an ill partner in the hospital. It’s a slap in the face that though we pay more in taxes, we have fewer rights to the benefits and protection that many heterosexual couples take for granted.

It’s tragically ironic that we have been subsidizing straight couples through our lifelong contributions to Social Security, welfare and worker’s compensation since the inception of these programs. Yet, our partners never receive the spousal benefits that straight couples get automatically. So when those opposed to equality in marriage cry out that legalizing same-sex marriage would break the system, I shout, “Stop living off of my back! Stop allowing me to subsidize you!”  I challenge any straight couple to turn down these benefits that they receive based solely on whether or not they are married. I challenge you to honor my equality.

Gay Couples Get Hit in the Pocketbook. Repeatedly. originally appeared on A World of Progress TeamZine on October 24, 20092009-10-24T15:08:48ZF j, Y.

Related posts:

1. When Gay People Get Married
2. When Gay People Get Married: The M.V. Lee Badgett Interview
3. This Ain’t Fiction

Since coming out in 1995, I’ve participated in countless rallies and marches. Last spring, I attended the Transgender Leadership Summit in San Diego. I’m giving a workshop at the TransformAZ conference in Phoenix. This, on top of my journalistic and literary efforts on the gay and gender-variant experience.

But most of my activism doesn’t involve waving banners or marching through cordoned off streets. It doesn’t involve writing essays or giving advice to the lesbian lovelorn. My primary form of activism is quieter. It’s subtle. And yet, it is as powerful as any form of activism I engage in.

I live in a retirement community. Most of my neighbors are senior citizens who have no idea what the rainbow squiggle on the back of my car means. I’ve only lived here a couple years, so I’m always meeting new people. It is an opportunity to change minds.

When I meet someone new, I don’t introduce myself with, “Hi, I’m Dharma and I’m transgender.” I’m more likely to tell where in the neighborhood I live, or explain that I quit my job to take care of my mother-in-law. I ask questions about the other person and discuss items of commonality. Hometowns. Professions. Books. Music. Concerns over healthcare, the war or the economy.

It’s only when I’ve gotten to know someone that I share that I’m gay or transgender. By this time, they know me as a giving person and an aspiring novelist with a good sense of humor. When they learn that I’m gay or transgender, it forces them to contrast the caring person they’ve come to know with the gross stereotype they have been warned against by their church or friends.

They see that I’m not trying to “recruit” them to be gay. They see that I don’t hate men. They see I’m not a pervert and that I’m not crazy. And then they start to wonder if the people who warned them about “the Gay” or “the Transgender” had any clue what they were talking about. It’s the softer side of activism.

To be sure, some people are so firmly attached to their prejudices that they may not want to be my friends after that. But many remain my friends. As a result, a social alchemy takes place. Fears and misconceptions are dismantled. Opponents become allies.

Traditional activism can be scary to outsiders. There is an instinctive pushback. And too often, we are left preaching to the converted.

But softer activism is less threatening. It makes no demands. It issues no ultimatums. It is simply a hand extended in friendship.

The Softer Side of Activism originally appeared on A World of Progress TeamZine on October 22, 20092009-10-22T04:00:21ZF j, Y.

Related posts:

1. A Space of One’s Own
2. When Gay People Get Married: The M.V. Lee Badgett Interview
3. I Worship At The Altar of Suze Orman

On October 11, 2009, Billie Myers provided her soulful rendition of “America, the Beautiful” accompanied by the saxophone of Dave Koz at the Equality March on Washington and shouted, “I stand here as a very proud member of the LGBT community.  I will not be defined by anyone else!”

Billie Myers’ discovery is one of legend.  She was a patron dancing on the dance floor of a nightclub in London when legendary producer Peter Q. Harris asked if she also sang.  Soon thereafter, Universal Records signed her and her first CD, Growing Pains, with its smash hit Kiss the Rain which shot up the charts in 1997.  Her follow-up effort, Vertigo, released in 2000, met with critical acclaim, but didn’t perform well enough for Universal to keep her on.

After a long hiatus and rising from the ashes of her depression, this year she released Tea & Sympathy under her own label Fruit Loop Records.

Billie was raised in Coventry, England to an English mother and Jamaican father.  At age four, she was sent to foster care.  Racism was ever-present in her tumultuous growing up in the early 1970s in England.  Her younger years were punctuated with trips home and then back into foster care with a foster mother who didn’t particularly care for black people.  At age 12, she lived with her father again, but basically marked time there until she finished school.  By 16, she was attending nursing school.  After stints nursing and working in the insurance industry, she started off on her musical adventure.

LH:  Your legendary discovery is amazing!  And then you released, “Kiss the Rain.”  After its success, it was just gone.

Billie:  Yeah, it was really a hard time.  During the time of Kiss the Rain it was kind of like a fairy tale.  At the time that didn’t occur to me that it wasn’t always like that because that’s all I knew.   You have a degree of success and it’s kind of addictive.  You start to measure yourself by that success, especially when it’s a public success.  And then they know there’s no follow up to that, and then you start looking at yourself like, ‘One hit wonder, what a failure.’

LH: So, people latch onto people who have fame and detach just as quickly.  That had to be startling to have people just disappear overnight.

Billie:  I wasn’t the easy person to be around.  When my world came crashing down, and when you’re majorly depressed, you’re not necessarily the nicest person to be around.  You’re not fun, your not social, you’re not communicative and you’re not a good friend.  Some of them were just gone and some of them were gone because they couldn’t cope with the bad place that I was in.

LH: But, some did stay around and they identified that you were struggling beyond a point where you were personally safe anymore.  Do you think that you might have been able to get through that time without those people?

Billie:  No, I wouldn’t be here without those people.

The realm of what is considered normal when you’re in that place is misconstrued and very warped, but it makes sense at that time.  I joke about it – I gave away my stage clothes and musical equipment.  Everything related to music had to be out of my life, because in my mind, I wasn’t writing, I didn’t have a career, I wasn’t singing and I was involved in a nasty legal dispute that was draining any money I did have and it was a done deal, so give everything away.  But, at the time it made perfect sense.  Why bother getting out of bed, I didn’t have a life.  Why go out, because people would ask me what I’m doing, and I was doing nothing.

People telling you might not be well and at some point you stop returning their phone calls so they stop calling and then you think your friends don’t care.  And, you forget you spent the last two years not calling them back.  It’s very warped.

LH:  You’ve obviously had some success in working through the depression.  It sounds like you’re looking at things from a really healthy perspective.

Billie:  I live with depression.  I’ve probably had some depression all of my life.  I have great friends around me.  I have good days and I have bad days.  I made a decision with this record.  I knew everyone would ask me what I’ve been doing since 2002.  It wasn’t like I could say I was doing charity work or something.  I didn’t want to concoct some story.  I wasn’t sure I wanted to tell the truth.

Right now, everyone is being lovely about being open.  I’m doing work with the Jed Foundation who work with people to age 25 on depression awareness.  But, the very first time I read an article written by someone with no awareness of depression or when they make some negative reference to my Fruit Loop label, I probably am not going to feel very strong that day.

The first time I have a disagreement when I’m strong-minded about something, I’m afraid that they’ll say, ‘Yeah, you’re depressed.”  A year from now there may be people who are not nice about it because they don’t believe that depression exists and that you should be pulling yourself up by your bootstraps.  And, you know what?  There’s a large percentage of people of the world that are like that.  That you should be able to pull yourself out of it.

LH:  What are you doing with the Jed Foundation?

Billie:  The founder’s son committed suicide.  In his memory, he started the foundation.  I’m doing a little PSA and putting a bit of a face on depression.  I’m going to do my little bit and talk to some college kids.  And more importantly to therapists and parents and friends on what it feels like and what is or isn’t constructive and what to be aware of.  The truth is that if I were to fall into a deep depression next week, I’d be the last one to know.

LH:  I hope your single is a big hit – the entire disc is just dripping with emotion, every single track.  It just seems you are an incredible romantic.

Billie: It’s interesting that you say that.  Because I think I am.  People who know me don’t agree with me. I may be disappointed but maybe that is because my bar is the perfect romance and romanticism of what life should be.  Don’t say that to my friends because they’d roll their eyes at that and say, ‘Have you heard her songs?’

LH: You know, you love and you lose, and it wouldn’t hit you like that, you couldn’t write lyrics like that unless you were a romantic.

Billie:  I’m giving your phone number to my friends.

You can listen to tracks form Billie’s new album at her website:  http://www.billiemyers.com

I hate my job – interviewing smokin’ hot women with both brain and heart!

Billie Myers: Out, Proud, and She’s Risen Like A Phoenix originally appeared on A World of Progress TeamZine on October 18, 20092009-10-18T04:01:04ZF j, Y.

AWOP contributing editor, GLBTQ
Author of Hahn at Home

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