I admit I have been playing mind games (waiting a long time between texting him back, waiting for him to contact me first, not talking much about my feelings because I don’t want to come off too easy, etc.)

I want to be a challenge, but I also want to show him I’m interested. How can I tell if what this guy tells me is legit or if he is just wasting my time?

It sounds like you have some relationship experience and know how to push some buttons as well. And… it sounds like this guy (with 8 years more experience) probably has more experience than you.

I mean, if you think about it logically, the guy seems to be playing his cards right.  I admit that guys aren’t always as good as girls when it comes to picking up on what’s happening in a relationship, but if he happens to be somewhat perceptive he is picking up on some level that you’re playing mind games with him.

The question you have to ask yourself is what your motivation is for playing the mind games?  I’m not saying you’re doing anything wrong, but it’s going to help you if you can recognize the motivation behind your actions.

Is it that you’re afraid that if you make yourself available he’ll lose interest?  Is it that you think if you make yourself vulnerable he’ll hurt you?  You mentioned that you didn’t want to come across as “too easy”, so that’s part of the equation but there’s probably more.

If you’ve read even a portion of what I write on the site, you’ve probably seen me harp on and on about how neediness suffocates even good relationships. But let’s make a distinction:  Being available does not equal neediness.

Yes, I do recommend to women to make sure they’re lives are filled with rich social connections and things to do other than obsessing about the guy they’re interested in, but that’s mainly to keep them occupied and prevent them from obsessing.

I get the feeling that you’re on the other side of the fence:  You construct a barrier to keep people out so they can’t hurt you.  And then you push their buttons to make sure they stay chasing you. After all, if you can get the guys chasing you then you never have to worry about being abandoned or rejected.

The problem is that living this way is lonely.  Fortunately for the audience of the website I’ve bounced all over the spectrum in my dating life.  And I’ve experienced what it’s like to be the guy playing the mind games, keeping the wall up and making sure the girl is always chasing, always pleasing, always calling.

It’s a lonely existence.  It’s isolating and it’s tough to feel like anyone really knows you or really loves you because on some level you know that you’re manipulating them and you don’t know if they’re in love with the chase or with you for who you are.

Granted, I’m going a little deep here and who knows, maybe I’m off the mark.  But I’m willing to bet that some of this speaks to you.  Maybe all of it speaks to you, but regardless whether or not you see this as true about your experience what I’m about to say will probably make a lot of sense.

You have the opportunity to be with a guy that wants a relationship with you.  Not with your mind games.  Not with the chase.  He is saying he wants a relationship in spite of all that stuff.

Now granted, it’s a little scary, but opening yourself up to the possibility of that doesn’t sound like a bad thing.  You don’t strike me as typically behaving in a needy way, so just being able to relax a bit and let your guard down probably won’t hurt.

Things might turn out great… or not.  But you’re an adult, you can handle a little disappointment if it doesn’t come together.  It might even be good for you to have that experience if you’re used to having guys chasing and suffocating you with their own neediness.

I hope what I’m saying makes sense to you (and I why I focused on this and not on the guy).  The guy said he didn’t think the feeling about a relationship was mutual.  I promise you it’s because of the angle you’re coming from here – it wouldn’t hurt to take a different approach and open up a bit.

And for the record… I would bet the guy is legit, but he’s reserving himself for when you’re ready to relax and bit and let your guard down.

Hope it helps and good luck,

eric charles

Got a question? Send it to askaguy@anewmode.com and we’ll get you some answers! (Note: Please keep your questions short and concise, with a descriptive title – thanks!)

Related posts:

1. Ask a Guy: How Do I Get Him to Chase Me Again?
2. Ask a Guy: Is Sex on a First Date a Relationship Killer?
3. Ask A Guy: Why Do Guys Vanish After A Great First Date?
4. Ask a Guy: We’re Dating, But He Still Checks Match.com
5. A New Take On Why He Won’t Call You His Girlfriend

ShopNBC has an incredible collection of Movado Watches at incredible prices. It’s a great destination whether you’re looking to treat yourself or have a b-day or anniversary coming up and want to prompt someone else to get something nice for you.

Either way, check out my top 5 favorite styles.

Silver Tone Dial Stainless Steel bracelet Watch, $1,195; ShopNBC Price: $664.29. A sporty style that’s a can’t miss for men and women.

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S.E. Blue Dial Stainless Steel Bracelet Watch, $1,395; ShopNBC Price: $797. I love the pop of blue, it’s subtle yet totally fashion-forward.

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Black Leather Strap Watch, $595; ShopNBC Price: $381. There’s something a bit unexpected about all black watches.

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Silver Mirror Dial & Stainless Steel Bracelet Watch, $1,795; ShopNBC Price: $1,025.71. A clean, classic style you can’t go wrong with.

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Luno Two-Tone Stainless Steel Bracelet Watch, $1,195; ShopNBC Price: $637.33. I love the contrast of the two-tone band and black dial. Very chic.

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5. Rock On With Studded Accessories

How do I know this? Well one of my exes is actually now one of my best friends. As well as my business partner. That’s right, I’m talking about Eric Charles, our beloved relationship guru. Once upon a time, Eric and I we were a very serious couple and, without going into too many of the gory details, we had a seriously awful breakup.

Whenever I tell people I started this site with my ex, I get the same horrified look followed by the same burning question: “HOW?!”  And most people just assume we started the site while we were together and are now stuck in some sort of joint custody nightmare. Nope. We started the site long after our relationship ended and soon after our new-found friendship came to be. Eric isn’t the only ex I’ve been able to be friends with, there actually are a few of them.

I’m not gonna lie, being friends with an ex isn’t easy. You may find yourself re-living all the hurt and pain of the breakup (and does anyone wanna go through that nightmare twice?!), you may experience a level of jealousy you never thought existed within you,  and feelings that you’ve long since buried can abruptly be woken from the dead unleashing a whole Pandora’s Box worth of pain and problems.

However, there are also great benefits. First, it’s really wonderful to have someone who was once so important to you back in your life. There is a great comfort in having someone who knows exactly who you are, good and bad, and just gets you. You can also find peace and closure. Maybe you’ll get answers to the questions that have been haunting you. Maybe you’ll find that you are 100% over your ex and can look back and laugh at the fact that you once so staunchly believed you would never be able to live without this person. Or, you can find yourselves on a very exciting journey, like starting a website for instance!

So now the answer to the question I’ve gotten a million times before, how can you be friends with an ex? Well, here it goes….

GET DISTANCE

You can not break up and then go out for coffee as pals the next day, or even the next week, of the next month. You need distance first and a lot of it (Eric and I went 2 years with zero contact!). You need to get your life back on track first, and this life can not include that one person who was once at the forefront of everything for a while. You need time to heal and cry and analyze and mourn. It’s a painful, brutal process but there’s no way around it. Before you reach out to an ex, you simply must learn how to live, and how to be happy in this life, without him.

FORGIVE AND FORGET

If you still have hurt feelings/anger/resentment and questions that are still unanswered, it may help to air it all out to your ex after taking that first step and reaching out (or once things get a little more comfortable). Whether you get the answers you wanted to hear or not, you need to forgive and forget and force those ugly feelings to dissipate if you ever want to develop a normal friendship with your ex. The quickest way to kill a new friendship is by bringing the past into your present so make sure you are truly ready to leave all the sad and bad stuff behind.

UNDERSTAND AND ACCEPT WHY IT DIDN’T WORK AND WON’T WORK

Before you can be friends with an ex, you need to wholly accept that a romantic relationship just isn’t in the cards. You tried but it didn’t work out plain and simple. Do not try and justify why the relationship will work now even though it didn’t work then. Yes, sometimes exes can get back together and start anew but we’re talking about friendship here and if you are really committed to being friends, you need to abandon all thoughts and hope of a romantic reconciliation and focus on a new future rather than a redo of the past.

ABANDON ALL ATTRACTION

To be friends with an ex, you need to have friendly feelings, not sexual ones. Now this one is the hardest steps to master because this person is someone who you were once very strongly attracted to and intimate with. Having feelings of attraction for your ex is a slippery slope that will most likely end with you getting hurt. To develop a truly profound friendship with an ex, feelings on both end must be completely platonic. This means you can’t get jealous when he dates other girls, you can’t flirt, you can’t hold hands, kiss, cuddle, and absolutely no sex (I don’t care how many drinks deep you are, there is no such thing s casual sex with an ex, trust me!).

KEEP DATING

Dating other people that is! Do not abandon your love life just because an old love is back in the picture. Once the pressures of a relationship are replaced with the comfort of a friendship, it becomes way too easy to idealize the past and allow yourself to think maybe, possibly, potentially, this friendship will turn into something more… No, no, no!  Waiting around for your ex to fall back in love with you is not friendship, in fact, it’s more like emotional warfare. So keep dating, keep playing the field, and above all, keep yourself open to the possibility of finding love with someone else.

ASK YOURSELF WHY YOU WANT THIS FRIENDSHIP

Before you even make the first move and reach out to your ex, ask yourself why you really want to be friends with him. And don’t just ask yourself this- sit with it, mull over it, talk about it with your girl friends and most of all, be honest with yourself. Do you want him to fall for you so you can reject him like he rejected you? Do you want him to tell you he never stopped loving you? Is the whole ‘lets be friends’ a cover for ‘let’s get back together’? If the answer to any of these questions is yes then you are not over your ex and need to follow all the steps outlined above before you can even think about being friends. Unrequited love is the most painful pill to swallow and is one you will most likely find yourself choking over if you establish a friendship with your ex before you are actually able to see him as a friend.

So there you have it. That is how to be friends with an ex. Do you think you’d be able to do it? Are you friends with any of your exes? Have any more suggestions that weren’t on the list? Talk to us in comments!

- SABRINA ALEXIS

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1. Ask A Guy: Is He Committed To Me?
2. Ask A Guy: Good Guy Or Leftovers?
3. Ask a Guy: Turning a Longtime Friend With Benefits Into Something More?
4. Ask A Guy: Why Do Guys Vanish After A Great First Date?
5. Ask A Guy: Is He ‘Just Not That Into Me?’

Summer Trends — What Turns Guys On, and What Flummoxes Us- Lemondrop

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We continued meeting up and for the first 5 times I took it as just sex.  Not just sex, but really aggressive, dirty sex and sexual role-playing.  A turning point came where he started showing another side of himself.  A sweet, caring side.  He even cooked me dinner.

I can tell he lusts for me, but given the way this started out I don’t know that there’s a chance any relationship could come out of this.  I’m not a clingy/needy type of girl and I give him space, but if there were any possibility of this becoming something more I’d like to pursue it.

What are your thoughts on a relationship happening after sex on the first date?  Is sex on the first date a relationship killer?

Yes, a relationship can come from something that started with sex on the first date.

There are some guys who will never date a girl that sleeps with them on the first date out of principle, but the surprising reality is that that’s only a small percentage of men who are that are that rigid. For the majority of guys, what really counts (and what they’ll reflect on) is the way in which the sex happened.  That’s the real issue.

I mean, if the sex happened after hours of amazing conversation and genuine connection, that will most likely have good potential for a relationship.  At least, it would at the very least not hurt you and might even help chances for a relationship.  It would be looked at from the perspective of “passion” and “love at first sight”.

So on the one hand, if you went in there and had sex with virtually no connection established other than some playful, sexy banter and verbal foreplay, that will work against you in terms of being evaluated as a relationship partner.

On the other hand, if you established a profound, deep, meaningful connection first before the sex, then there’s a possibility.

There’s still hope if you didn’t fall into the category of profound connection before the sex…  But guys aren’t going to date you for sex.  Sex and relationship feelings are WORLDS apart for guys in the beginning – they are completely separate during the beginning of a relationship and then merge later on down the line (at the love stage).

If you want a relationship, I would encourage you to find ways to connect on a deeper level.  Let him know you…  get to know him.  Understand him, give him space to open up.  You can’t force it, but if it’s a possibility, creating the space would be a good direction to go.

If you want him to be more open with you, demonstrate openness.  If you want him to connect with you on a deeper level, demonstrate coming from a deeper level.  Not every guy will go for this (he might not be in that place), but if he is, he might just begin walking down that path with you.

Now you mentioned that you have some pretty aggressive role-playing and sexual interplay.  In it of itself that’s not a problem, but if you’re trying to pursue a relationship with this guy and a cornerstone of your current “relationship” is role-playing it might make forming a genuine connection very difficult.  Role playing is about stepping into a role or character… and forming a genuine connection is the total opposite.

Given the set-up you described, making a relationship happen here might be tricky.  There’s certainly no harm in trying though and I would say if a relationship is what you’d like to move towards, give it a shot and the worst that could happen is nothing happens.

Hope it helps,

eric charles

Got a question? Send it to askaguy@anewmode.com and we’ll get you some answers! (Note: Please keep your questions short and concise, with a descriptive title – thanks!)

Related posts:

1. Ask A Guy: Why Do Guys Vanish After A Great First Date?
2. Ask a Guy: Does He Want To Date Me Or Not?
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4. Ask a Guy: On and Off Relationship – Is it Meant to Be?
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Kate’s summer wardrobe is made up of lots of neutrals, soft prints, ethereal dresses, boho tops, and relaxed-fitting cargos and cut-offs, all of which are highly versatile pieces that can be used to create endless summer ensembles.

Rather than recreating her exact outfits, like we often do in our celeb style inspiration posts, I decided to round up a selection of pieces that could easily fit right into Kate’s wardrobe, if they don’t already.

Read on for our Kate-inspired finds!

Kimchi Blue Sleeveless Chiffon Lady Dress, $58. This ethereal slip dress is the perfect go-to for those sweltering summer days and can be worn with tights and a blazer when the seasons change.

Asos Darling Pocket Floral Skirt, $58. I love the vintage feel of this femme and flirty style.

TopShop Rose Frill Tunic, $28.  A basic cami that you can wear with skirts and shorts now and use as a layering piece come fall.

Joie Picasso Lace Up Sandals, $176. These sandals are cute, comfy, and will work with anything in your closet.

Free People Nigerian Tulip Print Tank, $88. A billowy floral top is an essential closet staple.

Current/Elliott The Army Pants, $188. Relaxed cargos are the perfect alternative to jeans in the summer months.

Staring at Stars Lace Up Print Dress, $58. A can’t-miss style that is comfortable and figure-flattering.

UO Canvas Satchel, $48. Lightweight, roomy, easy to carry, the overall perfect summer satchel.

Forever 21 Juliette Slub Tee, $12.80. A lightweight long-sleeve tee is a year-round must-have.

Chloe Tilia Acetate Sunglasses, $295. They may be pricey, but it’s worth the added dose of fashion-forwardness that these shades bring.

J Brand 1043 Cuffed Shorts, $158. A high-quality pair of cut-offs is a splurge worth making.

- SABRINA ALEXIS

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5. Celebrity Style Inspiration: Sienna Miller