Disabled
immobilized
crippled
inevitable concomitant
of…living
the greater the attachment
the greater the reaction
inherent need
for freedom
vitality is reduced
underground reactions
silently exert
and influence
concealment
somatic manifestations
physical ailments
human body
less the being.

I once walked softly
and dreamed in Spring
now its is a Fall
dis-position
then some thing
every thing
no thing
happened.

Inadequacy
compulsive quality
urges and passive
adaptation
shifts in equilibrium
magna cum laude of madness
fleeting
euphoria & ennui.

Conversations became
spittle and sound
knees upon ground
silence became sustenance
no discernment between
nourishment and hunger
ideas and ideals
romanticized rebellion
from a life of
quiet desperation.

melancholy soaked skin
mourning in the morning
lamenting…

I bear witness.

A social contract
of hyper vigilance
intolerance
sought after
temporary relief
hedonism
narcissism
alcohol soaked eyes
promiscuous athletics
anguish
inner agitation
churn.

Bunny Wailer wailed
how heavy burdens lay
he who knows it feels it
still holds true
this day.

All parts cannot be pulled
back
together,
your self
in parts
how can you pull
together your self?
wheat & chaff
cannot go back to
one grain.

preoccupied self-pity
outright rejection
indecision
procrastination
aversion and fear.

Bersonian concept of
mutable time
slow drag of
reality
No return
no Forward
susceptible
conscientious
habituated
re uptake at the synapses

Dry mouth transience
apathy
contagion
draining
futility reinforced
perplexed expressed
deliberateness
provocative
unbearable truths
neurotic
overwhelming
spite.

The why’s grew less important
as the sighs grew more persistent
venom spreads
assiduously
derisive laughter banishes
impunity
and no less dangerously
I write, I risk
I bear witness.

Be better
try harder
mind over matter
righteous in your doctrine
to condemn the mad hatter
this is not Wonderland
its a no-wonder land
to conform you must
swallow a pill
you are
what you choose to be
supremacy of will,
is that so,
I choose to be ill?

But that pill is hard to swallow
it gives me a dry mouth
what you call my wallow
I call my
due south
the chemicals in your brain
ebb and flow
just in time
you are reading me
my rights
while I connect
the dotted lines
Not just
the bottom line
the part where
I’ll be just fine
but start with the first time
i saw my face
register fright
an aged insomniac’s
self-loathing
without a wrinkle of light
in the mirror I sought
instant recognition
but the medication
dulled and lulled
blurred my weary vision
what I saw was broken,
torn and worn,
the shake
of a wretched sob
the ugly
of scorn.

I have no
pink ribbon to decorate
no survival baldness to
uncover proudly
no heart monitor to register the
beat down
This disease
if you please,
is pain and all disdain,
huge losses
and
small gain,
a fleeting smile,
waste and rot,
survival that my memory
forgot.

The righteous are not always right
just because they fight,
is there ever a righteous right
that does not extinguish
a light?
champion a right
we had imprisoned
all along?

My healing swaggers
like hip hop
jumps back
like hop scotch
it scratches,
it jumps
it circles quickly
sometimes
the volume is low
the hook
pierces slow
and light shines through a small hole
with a warm muted punch of glow.

My natural african hair
at times
springs slowly
its height searingly pressed upon
so it can sit lowly
mixture of textures
reveals mixture of race
but when midnight meets silence
darkness claims its space
my curls creep and climb
to meet
high-ness
with a royal finesse.

Your happiness
you attribute
to your will,
mine,
a pill
and still
you must
I must
bear witness.