A Key West Local's Life

Looking for me?

2018-01-15T10:54:00.002-05:00

https://www.senoritapenelope.com/blog

Te Amo

2016-12-22T13:53:00.003-05:00

My Tio. My Luis

The reason this blog exists and someone that allowed me space to be and figure things out. I spent two months in Spain with family I hardly knew at the time.

Made a special trip up to see him this fall cause he had a stroke and wasn't doing so well. He was now 99.

The first day, I retraced all the places I spent walking over and over including his favorite pastry shop. Hoping he would be glad to see pastries and me but he didn't recognize me or the baked goods. Didn't matter, I just wanted to see him.

Now confined to a chair, it was a shade of what I remembered and heartbreaking cause he never liked to sit still.

I looked into his eyes and smiled. Stroking his arm and asking if he remembered me. "It's Penelope. te recuerdas?" A blank stare was returned and I knew he didn't.

But I kept kissing him on the check, smiling looking in his eyes. Before I left with the last kiss I saw a half smile start to form on his face. Maybe he does...

The next day as, I was requested to come for lunch with the family, his amazing caretaker told me he remembered and had been bossing her around all morning to get ready for my arrival.

This time he was there. I could see him and he could see me. I had to run to the bathroom quickly so he couldn't see me cry.

He was fed in the chair while we ate in the kitchen. His caretaker helping communicate between us because my Spanish is so awful and the stroke has hindered his speaking.

After we finish lunch, I sat next to him doing what I did the day before but this time he's with us.

My Spanish is shit so all I can do his hold his hand, stroking his arm looking into his eyes saying "Te Amo. Te Amo" over and over again. Cause its the only thing I can express clearly.

His eyes well up with tears and I lose it.

I told myself I wouldn't cry because its so selfish but can't help it. I run into the kitchen so he can't see me cry, but the caretaker is telling me his grumbly voice is asking for me. She's trying to keep it together too.

I go back and wipe my tears. Put on a smile and hold his hand a little longer. There he is. There he is. In a body that no longer serves him. I'm here. I'm here for you.

As its time to say goodbye, I look back knowing this is the last time I'll see him. Multiple kisses including some blown from the door. He starts to speak. His words may not be there anymore but the tone of his voice is.

His caretaker tells me what he's saying in English

"He saying that your visit means more to him than you know."

I see her tears and can feel mine surfacing again. I blow one more kiss and get safely out the door before I lose it completely.

I walk back to the place I'm staying at in sobs and can't stop crying all day. I go back to Barcelona and light candles for him in every church I feel something in.

The best one being the crypt of la Sagrada Familia. As I light the candle for him I ask that he can be released by the time it burns out.

And as much as I want him to stay, I pray he can leave and be free again.

So he leaves on the winter solstice. The darkest day of the whole year and it feels like it.

There is a sadness for his passing but a celebration too. He's free from pain and can roam again.

I hope to see him again someday. I know I will.

Te Amo

saturday

2016-12-19T11:34:00.000-05:00

"I know its weird to bring a bottle of wine to a massage but do you happen to have a fridge to put this in? I may or may not be going to a party after."

My talented masseuse surely does and without a beat takes it and motions me to go in and strip.

Regular bodywork, yoga and diet have become my form of health care and its working. I've never felt better.

I go in to remove toxins only to put more in immediately after. I tip, grab the bottle and decide to go to the Sagittarius party I was invited to.

The communal house is enchanting and seems to exist on a hidden plane in Key West. Strange.

I walk in and ask for the hostess cause I recognize no one. They all gladly welcome me in and ask if I need help opening that bottle.

Nicole is in the kitchen making her own birthday cake and says she needs to focus.

I pour her and me some wine after we find jars to put it in. Nicole is making a 7 minute icing and she's not sure its supposed to be the color it is.

"What makes it a 7 minute icing?" I curiously ask. The puzzling face I get in return is perfect and I realize that will have to wait cause her focus needs to return back to the pot.

I go out back under the banyan tree open kitchen backdrop to revel in the mix. Barefoot blonde conch kids smoking, dogs, Dade county pine and a welcoming commune of peeps.

I ask Nicole where the bathroom is. One person points me to the one next to the cake baking. Nicole makes a squinty face and I ask her when that person leaves "Where is a safe place to pee?"

"Upstairs is the "GIRL" bathroom." AKA the clean one - there's even a sign noting that. And it is.

An open window breeze blowing through home made embroidered curtains makes me think this is a movie set for a southern style film or a horror flick.

As I go upstairs to pee, I pass by an old man with an eye patch in an empty living room completely silent.

He sits on a couch next to a loaned baby grand piano staring into nothing. I want to take a picture so badly but don't want to make him feel like a freak so I mentally stow that image away cause its so beautiful.

Abby finally arrives sans her wife. Her psychic wife can't come into the house cause theres too many entities.

Normally I feel that stuff too but for some odd reason this place enchants rather than repels.

Abby's going through some shit so we sit under the banyan tree talking it out. I tell her she needs to turn off her head and laugh more. I ask her if she wants to go to the dark side tonight since Angie's not around. She lights up and responds with a big yes.

There's a new bar in town. Previously a sex club that now serves grilled cheese and has PBR on tap.

Do you want to go? I ask her. Afterwards we can make our way to the parrot to see the best Led Zeppelin cover band on earth. This is my end night goal. To make it out long enough to see Stairway to Heaven.

We start to make our goodbyes so we can make it to the grilled cheese and Stairway. Nicole insists we stay for the birthday cake. But asks: "Could light it and bring it out to her?"

Of course. We even add singing.

We start to nail the cake with all the candles.

Abby is tipsy and I give her shit for how she's trying to light them. She returns this banter with a hot lighter on my arm.

Now I have a semi permanent lighter tattoo on my upper arm to remind me of this evening for the next few months.

Happy Birthday we sing with me trying to get photos but the tree blows them out before I can get a solid shot.

We walk out and into the crazy Duval mix to make it to the bar which looks like a fancy Midwestern VFW and I wonder what went on in this space before.

Abby is surprised that Angie hasn't returned her text yet and as I look at my phone I tell Abby she texted that message to me instead of her.

As we laugh about it her psychic wife is calling me. She's at the parrot with another friend and I tell her to stay there cause we're on our way to see the band.

Abby and I wiggle our way to the back of the bar and I ask if Angie can sit back here. The question is answered when Angie asks if we can stand outside away from the overhang.

The girls are done but I want to see music so I decide to stick around cause if I go I'm not coming back.

I sit patiently waiting drinking water taking in the people watching show.

A newly minted 21 year old dude starts to hit on me after a girl who was sitting next to him leaves. He asks me what I do, how long I've been in Key West and is surprised to hear I'm a waitress.

"You don't look like one." he says puzzled. I shrug and nod.

"My old dad just left" he says. "He's 53."

His mom, who was with probably him, had kindly warned me to watch my purse as a sketchy guy got closer to the window we were both sitting in.

I laugh thinking, I wonder how old this kid thinks I am. And the next question is exactly that. He thinks I'm 31.

"I'm 43. 10 years younger than your dad." I say with a smile.

No way. Where are you going after this? - he asks

Home.

The band finally hits, its not as good as I remember but still entertaining after they finally get the lead singers mic synced so you can hear how strong his voice is.

He looks like a beat up Robert Plant and I wonder how it feels to be pretending to be someone else all the time. The crowd starts cranking up like that RIF in stairway and I'm ready to head out a mere three songs later.

I ride home, drink more water and shower off the entities I collected this evening.

Lay down, close my eyes and revel in the random float of life I love so much.

Hurricane Rewind

2016-10-06T11:38:00.001-04:00

Hurricane Matthew is upon us. All is well, we'll be fine.

But I can't help but remember how I started down here. Arriving two weeks before the worst hurricane the city had seen in a while. Wilma.

Heartbroken. Life broken. and jobless waiting for the island to recover so I could do the same.

Under the Tuscan Sun. I think I was watching this on heavy cable rotation about everyday. Maybe even twice a day.

Its uncanny how someone was trying to talk to me and let me know it'll all be ok. Feel so much affinity for it now, right down to the Asian best friend.

Fast forward to now

Life has become exactly what I want in this moment. I sat in a church in Spain crying, thankful tears to those superior beings. So grateful for everything that's happened. All of it.

I've possibly fallen for a 23 year old Italian I met for like 10 minutes in Rome. I'm seriously considering buying a place in Europe with some friends. And the trip I just came back from was a celebration of it all.

Change can happen if you let it in.

Be open to see the signs.

Amore Amore questa vita

More pics and stories later. Trying to take it all in first.

Upgrade

2016-08-15T13:34:00.004-04:00

Upgrade time.

Was thinking of getting yet another camera for this upcoming trip but decided on a new phone instead. Haven't had a new one in quite a while and in the spirit of downsizing for this travel, it hit the mark.

What I didn't expect was the tirade of how much my sales representative hated Key West while waiting for my phone to get programmed. I really should have been paid the phone programming fee since I had to listen to a lot during that hour or so.

Strangers like to tell me a lot of things. And I guess I listen, so more flows out.

How do people move here not knowing what its like?

I mean come on.

Also mainstream northern people don't seem to know what to do with themselves. Not all but I'd gather to say about 80% of America. Unless its easily served up to them in a multiplex of stores and entertainment sources.

As I listened to complaint after complaint about the parking, bikers, pedestrians, cost of everything, etc. (I think I was in shock when he mentioned this place should be more car friendly). I just felt grateful.

I really like living outside the norm. That includes not watching a shit load of crappy reality TV. (I do like to get my Project Runway on though)

My really good friend Toni came down for her annual visit.

Whilest hanging in the house the first day she started mentioning TV shows I had no clue about. Seriously, sometimes I feel like I live in a hut (and I like it)

Naked and Afraid was one. When the logo came up with an XL after it, I asked if it was going to be about a group of fat people.

It was a group of naked people dropped off in the jungle with one tool to survive. Seriously? After we started watching them pick ticks off each other I asked if we could turn it off.

Junk food. Junk TV. Do you know how it truly affects you? What mindless static you allow in?

Watching other people trying to survive in bizarre situations. Social, physical or otherwise. Hell, even politics and the commentary along with it, have been just as bad. I can't watch.

Americans are so angry and afraid.

So on the most recent tirade from this guy whom I just bought a phone from, I tell him there are some really great people down here. "What do you like to do for fun?"

The only thing I could get out of him was trivia games. Everything else I told him about he shot down with "I hate that" or "I can't"

A lot of people can't handle living in the Keys. You do with less, you don't have the same stuff as up north but you get so much more.

Everyone needs a tribe and I've found some great peeps to hang with down here. Be it 5 minutes or 11 years. We've all had a history that led us down to the end of the road and a good majority are happy here.

Maybe its cause we didn't fit in up north.

Talked with a friend who's moving back up and asked if he was nervous about heading back into "normalsville". He was a bit but has a growing family where there will be more for them up there.

He asked me what I've figured out so far living here. I told him I know I didn't fit into 9 to 5. The gray cubicle that felt like jail until I felt natural light on my face as I walked out.

I don't need a career or title, I just need a job to support what I love to do.

I don't need much to be happy. A good cup of coffee, a swim, a bike ride, yoga, paint, photos, a book that blows my mind, great friends, a bunch of stupid laughs.

After visiting with my friend recently and talking to this guy yesterday, I wonder. I wonder if people need this reality TV crap to feel like they are in a better place.

Watching people in survival mode on all levels does it make you feel like you're alive? Watching someone suffering as much as you are, does it make you feel not so alone?

In reality, I think it just numbs you out. Kinda like eating a giant bag of cheetos.

Don't let yourself be numb. Find something you love to do (however small) and enjoy the hell out of it. Push yourself to try something new just for kicks. Connect.

Just try.

That's what's on my mind today. I keep feeling like Florida is fully flowing through my veins. (been seeing a bit of Bloodline lately and it resonates) All of it. And I wonder if I'd ever be able to go back to "normalsville"?

Or at the very least take a bit of out of the norm back to normalsville.

Been trying to check off all the little details I need to do before I leave on vacay, but made time to go to the beach this morning.

Sit and breathe with eyes closed. Do a little yoga, get in and swim. Going back to the yoga studio too cause I miss my tribe and am ready to not go solo anymore.

I felt like I was dying up north before I got here. Don't let those everyday cycles spin you out.

Live.

Its a lesson I don't want to ever forget. Got a good reminder of it while purchasing a phone.

Acceptance and GO

2016-08-05T09:48:00.003-04:00

"to be free means to be free to satisfy one's preferences. preferences themselves are beyond rational scrutiny; they express the authentic core of a self whose freedom is realized when there are no encumbrances to its preference satisfying behavior"

- Matthew B Crawford - the world beyond your head

So I haven't been writing much these days.

A funny thing happened with the mural. A quick weekend or two in Miami with artsy friends was a realization of the life I've always had in front of me... but denied it.

Denied it because I didn't think I could make a living at it. Denied it because I needed something "more solid". Denied it because I was afraid to be seen.

But its been there the whole time, ever since I was a little kid and it makes me happier than I ever realized.

Have you ever thought about what makes you truly happy? The one thing that you want to do without any limits, expectations or worry about failure?

I'm most alive when I'm exploring and creating. And why can't life be exactly that? I mean, who cares what kind of job you have as long as you have time for what you love. Time for what brings you to life.

I liken this realization to a slow moving car crash.

You brace for the impact, holding on for dear life, tensing up with each tick-ing movement. Then when you hit, a release.

It wasn't so scary after all. It was the bracing, the holding back that took all your energy and effort for an outcome that was going to happen no matter what.

I've been in Key West for about 11 years. In that time, I started out marketing artists. Writing about them, discovering how they became. In a way, I think it was to help me figure out my stuff and feeling a part of art without the fear of rejection.

I dabbled in it myself. Had big plans, marketing and selling. But the work couldn't flow. After those Wynwood weekends I found myself really enjoying just doing the work. Not worried about the outcome but more curious of how it would turn out. Or what turn it would take.

So much JOY.

Add to that some great conversations and laughs with other people that like to do weird things. I came home thinking I don't care how much I make, or if I even become successful; I just want to keep doing THIS.

This is the life for me even with its uncertainty. And it was acceptance that made it break open and flood in.

All I want to do these days is paint, draw, put weird images on board.

I can't stop the images from coming. Yoga has even taken a back seat to it a bit but I still find time to stand on my head (cause it feels good).

Life feels brighter. Even on tough days at work I look around and feel really grateful for what I have.

Getting ready to take another big trip too. The Greek yoga retreat that was born out of a night in a basement Hong Kong Irish Bar with two yoga teachers doing shots is happening.

The retreat should be amazing but I'm also going to see my Tio Luis who's not doing so well these days and am most excited about this. He's 99.

Spain was my first big trip to break open that artsy part and I'm going back to say thank you and see him one last time. Even found a little surf house to stay at not too far from the farm.

Throw in some Barcelona time, a day in Italy, Germany and its on.

For now, its painting, figuring out how to pack a backpack for the trip, getting back to the yoga studio, updating and upgrading my phone for better travel pics and getting excited for more images to come.

Even time to hop a Greyhound to see my friend Toni in Key Largo for a weekend. Adventures in life in every form!

Gotta kill that curiosity one weird adventure at a time.

Charged

2016-05-12T11:03:00.001-04:00

"You seem...Charged." a regular patron tells me as I enter the restaurant after my first weekend in Wynwood.

"I am!" and that is the best description of the finish of a few really really good weeks.

Who knew just a mere weekend or two off would change my whole perspective. It really stretches back the night before my birthday and a vegetarian cooking class with a bunch of girls I didn't really know.

Bookend Stock Island krunk fun to Wynwood krunk. Or Krunk to Krunk as I like to call it.

At the cooking class I found out one of the girls worked in the library. I've always wanted to secretly be a librarian and so I not so stealthy cornered her to find out what its really like while listening how we should cook vegetables.

In the midst of finding out how to properly slice and dice our veggies I gave up and told her how I've always wanted to work in a library but never knew anyone actually working in one. The flood gates were open for questions at that point and bonus, she actually worked in the archival section which is even cooler and my inner nerd rejoiced.

We talked all about her work, how she got there, where she wants to ultimately go with it and does she ever get afraid of ruining really old stuff. And there was one sentence she uttered that summed up my obessession with running away to the library world for work.

"Yeah, I like to learn too."

That's it. That's why I want to be a librarian. And why the library has always been a sanctuary for me in my toughest times. It may not be the job I'm looking for so much as the environment and ability to learn at all times.

Steph, an old college buddy rolls into town the day after my birthday. Most of my college friends have families and 9 to 5 jobs and all of them have not made it down here. Yet.

She got a great gift from her hubby (also a college buddy of mine) to come down and visit. I warn her that we'll be kicking it in my studio apartment like its 1995. At first a little embarrassed by it.

You tend to compare your life to your friends in "normalsville" and wonder if you're not still a college student who's in their 40's.

Thinking mostly of her sprawling house and yard in comparison to my one room apartment. But in the end I really love my place, where I'm at and am happy to share it with her.

We get some bikes and roll about town. As she calls it the wine and bike tour cause that's exactly what we did. My favorite part was the sailboat/snorkel day in which we got in and swam with all the fishes. Something I vow to do more often cause I miss the reef and open water.

We swam with a big ole sea turtle and nurse shark that whizzed by. I kept popping up and pointing to make sure she was seeing it all.

Key West home isn't so bad when you have all this beauty to enjoy. Sometimes it takes a friend coming down to remind you of that very thing.

Onto the next week and a trip up to Miami to help my spirit animal make a Wynwood mural. Marlene is one of my yoga teacher/artist friends who is fucking cool as shit. And even cooler when you find out she was on a call list to pose nude and that ended her up at a cocktail party naked painted pink serving David Bowie a drink.

I remember seeing her artwork before I actually knew her and asking the gallery owner "Who is that???"

Her work spoke to me immediately and later finding out she's a trip to hang with as well. Her, me and her nephew are on the team to make this wall happen. And bonus points for all of us not knowing what we were doing since it was all our first time but it just flowed.

The ride up to Miami was so fast as we all talked constantly about everything. I forgot what its like to be around artists. Fast, excited, conversation over a myriad of subjects and how to tutorials.

It was already a great trip. We primed the wall the first day and scoped it out. While waiting for the second coat to dry we got some animal masks in the costume shop we were painting on.

In between had great beers at the brewery, amazing food at Kush, and met other creatives in the neighborhood. I was in heaven and it was only the first weekend.

We finished up this past weekend staying in a krunk town airbnb place that was kinda perfect too. Complete with three huge banana tree spiders that kept the bugs away.

Everyone in Miami was so kind. From the couple that let us use their scaffolding. Right down to the security guard who let us into the Wynwood walls cause Chase wanted to take a pic of one artist's work. It totally changed my view of Miami and let me know there's a place I can get my creative fix if I need to.

I need to be around other artists. It just adds something to the work and is a damn good time.

Food truck eats, an MTV food show shoot while painting, walking around the walls trying to figure out how other artists did what they did was awesome.

Marlene is talking about starting a mural business and I'd be totally fine with it. I don't even care how much it pays, I just want to keep painting. It was so fun figuring it all out and with a wall that big you can't think about screwing it up. You just gotta get paint down and quick. Details come later.

I see it already changing my work which is what I hoped this excursion would do.

Shake things up a bit, give yourself some space, see where it leads.

The artist community is how I fell in love with Key West. It's good to see it alive again in another form.

And the biggest learning of all came yesterday when I got a rush of ideas for new paintings. I am not a marketer.

I started taking off the marketing tag on descriptions of me in my social media a few weeks ago. It didn't feel right anymore.

I got some requests for files from the new web designer of an old client and realized I have used marketing as a shield to be what I am. An artist.

It was a way to stay creative, make money, have a respectable title. It was safe.

As an artist, there's no guarantee you'll sell. You may have odd jobs, and there's no traditional pathway to success. Its a total crap shoot.

I chose marketing cause it was safe and it almost killed me. Yes, I learned how to MacGyver the shit out of anything and make it happen on a shoestring budget but I got crushed. Mentally, emotionally, spiritually.

I choose art. I'd much rather use my marketing tools to spread art out in the world than beer, shoes, tomato sauce, credit cards, and soda.

Its where my heart is and always has been. I don't think I truly realized that until this weekend. I don't think I truly knew how marketing blocked me from being that until now.

I choose art. I choose my heart. Even if I'm not quite sure where it leads.

I started a new portrait yesterday and have some really cool weird ideas for more. Having fun with it I decided to post a pic to my personal Facebook page to show people.

I've always compartmentalized that piece of me not comfortable to show it to everyone. It took a long time to just show my paintings to people I knew and cared about. I didn't hesitate to show it now.

As we were cleaning up last night and one of our busboys was mentioning I've been gone too much as of late. Our manager made light of it in a way saying, "Don't you know, she's an artist now..."

"Yes, I am. Damn straight."

Hello

2016-04-17T10:37:00.003-04:00

Hello!

This is what you see when going to a friend's house to get your haircut.

I love spring. Always have and always will.

Space...

2016-04-15T09:55:00.001-04:00

A little space make a world of difference.

Traded a shift for a co-worker to have a night off. That left me with one day on, one day off work week.

I had no idea how much that would change my mood and am excited to have more space this upcoming month with a friend coming in town and the mural in Miami.

Things have been softening. The need to breakthrough lessening. Learning to really be in the moment whatever that entails.

Overall, listening to my heart more and my mind less. I highly recommend that.

Enjoyed my unexpected evening off with a sunset sesh at the beach and subsequent beautiful bike ride home.

Death

2016-03-28T18:07:00.002-04:00

Friday morning I had a kayak tour of 24. Friday night I waited on 70 people.

Woke up early to meet a friend for a birthday breakfast. And wandered around town.

Next day, a wall of flu.

I just got a following on Instagram by a cemetery which is right on par cause I feel like death.

Oh well, at least I get another day off.

Drinking a whole container of Oj wondering if spring break is over yet.

And just like that...

2016-03-23T12:08:00.001-04:00

Two days ago I felt like I was in a hole. A depression I haven't felt in a long long time.

Yesterday I picked up a crystal that made me feel weird in a good way. I promptly paid for it and headed home.

Today, I had a standing morning coffee and donut date with my spirit animal that was totally what I needed. Artist Yogi extraordinaire who is a great mentor as well as friend.

A gentle nudge from two friends in two days to start letting go of the restaurant work so I can let something new in. Knowing they are right but not sure how without totally freaking out.

Didn't realize how much of a machine I've been working in until now and how much I've been resisting letting it go since its been the only thing I've known for work these past years. All the resistance and depression is how I know its not working anymore.

Time to start living the art/travel life in the foreground like I've been talking about since I moved down. And that means letting go of what I know. Trusting and creating space for something new to develop.

And boom. An offer to help create a mural at the Wynwood walls pops up from my spirit animal. She's never done something like this before and I immediately offer my assistance cause I wanna learn (and have some fun in Miami)

I just might need to give up a shift at the restaurant for a bit to go up each weekend for the next month. Uh, yes please.

New tricks. New exploration. Inspiration. Less restaurant.

"We're gonna Thelma and Louise the shit out of this!" was my comment when she excitedly accepted my offer.

And a counter offer that we could possibly tap each others talents to expand and sell our wares.

New art fix. New experience. Travel. Yes, yes, and YES.

And maybe I'll buy a car up up there too.

So excited! Happy Lunar Eclipse Ya'll!

Be the Change

2016-03-20T10:53:00.001-04:00

Be the change you want to see in the world

Haven't had too much to say lately. Mostly been thinking about things and trying to feel it out. When that happens... I get quiet.

Went home for a long overdue vacation and to see the parental units. Dad's been having some health issues and of course refuses to wear his doctor ordered monitor so they can figure it out.

When I go away, I delight in all the cultural, physical, and food options that don't exist in Key West. Not to mention a bit of shopping as well.

When my life was in a serious nose dive years ago, I moved to Key West. I was so sick of not fitting into the boxes that defined success "relationship, home, job, etc". They were not making me happy and even in my distraught state, I yearned to be free.

So I dropped out. Hence the residence in Key West.

No more relationship, no more home, no more cubicle.

That drop out allowed me to heal, think, feel, and find my bearings. Do you allow yourself time to feel? Do you allow yourself the space to see?

I finally saw what I'd been given on this recent trip home and what might be awaiting me if I ever decide to leave this island. Which is what I find myself increasingly thinking of.

What it gave me.

The space and community to discover who I was and what I want. Something I will forever be grateful for.

Places I travel to usually involve a sense of seclusion (i.e., Bali, the desert, Peru, Spain (communication seclusion) Removing yourself from all the noise and distraction is a powerful tool.

You begin to realize you don't need a lot to be happy. I definitely see this in third world countries and am amazed at how unhappy everyone seems to be in the States.

We accumulate things to make ourselves feel whole. People, jobs, cars, homes. They never really do the job. We need to find ourselves in order to find what truly makes us happy. Limiting your accumulations can help you discover that. Doing something that totally scares you can launch a new life.

I'm watching a couple of friends go through the engagement/relationship portions of their lives. In between pole dancing class.

I see the confusion of wanting to do the benchmark life event but not really sure of what it means. Just knowing that this is what you're supposed to do. This is the goal, without knowing if you really want it but the train is going full speed ahead.

I don't miss that question mark. In fact I'm relieved to have experienced it and know I don't need it to be happy.

Would I like a partner in crime to enjoy all of life's offerings?
Of course, but I don't need to be married to him to cement my place in the world. I kinda like being fluid, in the moment and need someone to match that for it to work.

Always thought it was the opposite but see why it hasn't worked in the past. Must be why I finally brought home an art piece made by a guy I almost married.

Had saved it for a long time in the basement of my parent's house. I really did love it but couldn't get past seeing him and the pain in it.

Did not want him in my space so it sat covered up for years until I uncovered it every once in a while to decide if it was time to bring it in.

You might think 11 years is a long time to decide but that's how long it took for me to finally see me in that piece. Funny cause its a giant lighted P with a dragonfly (one of my favorite spirit creatures). You'd think that wouldn't be so hard.

Healing comes in waves with a lot of setbacks. I finally feel like that nose dive time is behind me. Especially when I come home at night and light the P.

And it truly is complete with a set of anchoring tools to help me find my center if I start to nose dive again.

In St. Louis a friend took me to venture cafe. A place where a panel of speakers from the community talk to an audience of working collaborators. Young tech people enjoying free craft beer and eats watching as a panel of chef's talk about the up and coming food community in St. Louis. Wha????

Never in a million years would I expect to see this kind of creativity and collaboration in of all places - St. Louis. The food scene there blows doors off Key West mostly cause its so much cheaper to operate. But the creativity...

I miss that in Key West.

The whole reason I wanted to live here was the creativity. A bunch of outlaw people living life outside the box. It was an intoxicating mix coming from corporate america. Running away to join the circus is how it felt.

Now I see corporate America starting to conform to non-conformity. Something I so desperately needed when I was there and was reprimanded and fired when I chose it.

"Is this for real or is it just bullshit?" I asked my friend, hearing the jaded corporate self reappear. My UX design, artist childhood friend whom I've known since Kindergarten said "Its real."

She worked in advertising too and left it as well so I know she had a handle on what I was asking.

I was blown away. People were kind, sharing ideas, and worshiping at the altar of creativity. Started making me think that leaving won't be so hard when the time comes.

There's more out there. And I always thought I could never leave Key West for what it allows me in freedom to feel and the space to create but I see exactly that is awaiting me in a place I never thought I could live up north. And popping up all over the place.

Transformation to say the least.

I'm not saying I'm ready to leave just yet, but am thinking.

Lots of bumps in the road this past year to start the process.

The whole condo mess - I'm so thankful that didn't go through. Our restaurant had been turned upside down complete with finding out our beloved owner has stage 4 cancer. He's trying to fight it naturally with low doses of chemo cause he doesn't believe in the health system which I admire.

Trying marketing again for it to crash and burn again. Finding I love the information architecture and design more than the actual marketing. Looking into a UX design degree or library science possibly to find my old lady desk job when I get tired of the restaurant biz. (and that is quickly approaching)

People are so angry these days. Its funny to watch these elections and hear everyone being horrified by people's behavior. Are you kidding me??

This election has been a long time coming. I see this shit in people everyday waiting on them. And most (not all) have been absolutely horrible this year. Angry, intolerant, intoxicated and what's the word? Oh yeah, Assholes.

Exactly what you're seeing at Trump rallies.

I get it. People are unhappy with their lives. Feeling squeezed and squashed but taking it out on others is not the way. Something I've felt lately a lot in the restaurant gig.

Take some responsibility. Unplug and find out what what makes you tick. That's my suggestion but we live in a society that doesn't want you to do that. The whole advertising industry is built on you not knowing who you are so they can sell products you don't need.

Booze, pop culture and stupid reality shows are the brain numbing that we choose to escape our own reality show.

But if the past 11 years have taught me anything its that knowing yourself is quite possibly the most centering, powerful and loving thing you can do.

It has shifted so much for me and yoga has helped cement it which is probably why I'm slightly obsessed with it.

I know that whatever comes my way, I can work with it or at least try. Flexibility in everyday events, that I am reminded by when i move through asanas. We create our own environment and energy with every moment.

I'm seeing Key West disintegrate as I first knew it and it saddens me. Is it the place that's changing or me I wonder?

I see it being devoured by greed and waves of unconscious people who drink till they release whatever anger or emotion they have in them.

The drinking has been scaring me more these days too. So much that I'm considering attending some Al-Anon meetings to help deal with it.

Everyone feels so out of control, angry and hopeless.

Especially on my trip back to Key West when I got bumped on a flight. Watched the crowds at both airports just wail on the flight staff. I tried to be a human to the gate people and ask questions instead of get upset. I got a free bottle of wine, a rescheduled flight and my luggage out of being human.

Stayed overnight in Miami only to have slept through my alarm and almost missed my shuttle back to catch my next flight.

In the rush I left my kindle and some jewelry in the room. Called the hotel immediately to see if they could retrieve it only to be told that housekeeping didn't find anything.

Had to call the hotel back four times just to find out that someone probably stole and lied about it. Upsetting but I let it go.

Come home and stand in a line with a bunch of complaining tourists to catch a cab. Tried to sleep off the last 24 hours unsuccessfully before work and found my bike had a flat 15 minutes before I had to be there.

Waited on a cab and forgotten for 45 so I could drop off the bike to get fixed enroute to work only to pick it up at 1:00am on bike rack after since I had a paddle board tour the next morning.

And then waited on all those rabid tourists at work.

That kind of bumpy re-entry hasn't happened since I lived in NYC and it was the moment I knew I was leaving the city.

What helped me release was my yoga practice at the beach, laundry, grocery shopping, cleaning the house, pole dancing class with a bachelorette party, reading and painting. I.e, becoming human again with a few days off.

So we'll see... In the meantime, I'll enjoy the ride down here and keep moving.

Mentally, physically, spiritually feeding myself to see where the path will lead. And excited for the possibilities ahead instead of fearing them.

In Search Of...

2016-01-31T09:35:00.001-05:00

You know you've lived in Florida a wee bit long when talking with a date about your psychic friends, the online store you're building for one and that seems TOTALLY normal.

But in the eyes of a man from Connecticut...uh, not so much.

I have to admit as the words were coming out of my mouth I started laughing internally cause it sounds crazy. But that is my life in the keys and I wouldn't change it. Realized just how happy I am with it in that date.

Nice dude but not my jam. Especially when I had to explain that most fisherman wear similar clothing because we have like two stores they can shop at. Oh and instructions on how to access his photos on his new mac.

It was most interesting to see just how long I've lived down here. The differences in the norm so to speak from up north or say outside of Florida.

Also why people who have constricted views tend to choose vacationing in Key West, I'll never understand. Maybe its their subconscious wanting to drink pina coladas.

Dating a normal man has been the bane of my existence. I keep thinking that I need a normal one. After this recent meeting I have decided to let that drop.

So I'm throwing myself all in. New dating objective:

In search of stable, active weirdo. Who can laugh and have stimulating intellectual conversations at the drop of a hat. Drunks need not apply.

We now return to our regularly scheduled programming...

2016-01-23T19:43:00.001-05:00

Hello there. Its been a while. How are ya?

A recap of the holidays and new year:

Crazy amounts of people and energy. I never get used to the busiest two weeks of the year down here. And the week after seems to be the worst apparently.

Physically and mentally exhausted.

People trying desperately to live up to a holiday image that is so unrealistic and not obtainable that insanity ensues. I blame advertising.

Anyhoo, that included a couple crazy weeks. A customer writing on a credit card receipt to my Russian co-worker that Stalin killed over 65,000 people. Oh and p.s. they left a shitty tip. He just thought it was funny.

Working New Years and on the bike ride home getting to see a girl throwing up on a church. Two more blocks down watch a cop eating chicken off his car. Two more blocks down watch a woman try to take her clothes off in the middle of a busy intersection while her friends fought her to put them back on.

A cab finally got around that stripping lady to only encounter another one who turned around in the middle of the street daring the cab to hit her. When it swiftly sped around her, she and her five friends screamed at it. People were off their heads.

As I recounted what I saw to a close friend she responded with "OMG it sounds like you took mushrooms but that's your everyday normal life!!"

So, it took a little time to recover from the holidays. Yes.

Been building that online store and finding interesting things dealing with ecommerce and banks. By the way, you should go see the Big Short. Amazing film.

Made me appreciate all those blazing bank articles my dad was sending me as I was trying to work with a mortgage broker and him telling me they were all crooks. Dad is seriously an eccentric genius. Did you know eccentrics balance the world? They do. Probably why I like living down here.

So something interesting happened last night. Not only did I get to wear my favorite striped knee high socks to work but I met some cool people.

One older couple who was adorable. When I asked the lady if she wanted another Chardonnay she told me she shouldn't but smiled and said yes with a point in the empty glass.

So imagine my surprise when her husband ordered a decaf coffee with desert and her response to me asking her if she would like one also:

"No, I don't want to kill my ride"

Possibly the best answer to would you like a decaf coffee? which prompted me to respond with a strong "you go girl!"

As her husband left, he came up to me - shook my hand and pulled me close to thank me for the great service. Before he left he took my shoulder once more in his shaky old man voice and said "And I like those socks"

Now I know everyone wants to stay young forever but I can't wait to get old so I can be as cool as that couple and say things that will make people do a double take.

Not much later, I had a table of cute guys. One of which who was quite attractive, pulled together and had eyes that felt like they were staring into my soul.

Its not too often I meet a guy/customer that I want to flirt with but when he asked me where he and his friends could go to meet cute girls with cool socks, I quickly responded with "If you wait till 12:30 you might see me at the Parrot". (this was paired with a very nerdy nervous side leg kick)

I couldn't believe I actually said that and even more so meant it. I pulled back cause its kinda creepy to have a waiter hit on you while you're eating. Told them some places they could go have a good time at and left it at that.

Hell, I was happy I got to converse with a normal cute sober well-mannered man with nice accessories. Its kinda like finding a unicorn pooping rainbows down here.

Much to my surprise that he came up while I was polishing silverwear to ask for my phone number. He's a charter fisherman from up north down for a few weeks and thought I was cool (even with the dorky leg kick)

I normally don't hand out my number but was like, all right - grabbed a piece of receipt tape and scribbled it down. After he left I got high-fived by my 22 year old busser with a "And that's how its done!" Made me smile.

Even the busser was surprised by how normal he was. He was dually impressed by the balls on said customer to come up and ask for my number.

Makes me flashback to a time in New York when I was newly out of college and in the working world for the first time. A girl that was on my team set me up with an investment banker. I don't even remember how I knew this girl.

He was nice, wore a suit and took me to Knicks game with seats so close to the floor I could see Spike Lee and Mariah Carey. As we parted, he told me he wanted to see me again and I was unsure with his steadiness.

Made more unsure when I got an email forwarded to me by the girl who set us up from him and her excitement. He wrote her earnestly how grateful he was for her introducing us, how much he liked me and couldn't wait for us to hang out again.

At the time my 24 year old self was scared shitless and completely turned off by it. How boring! He wants to commit already and thinks I'm great?! NOOOOOOO!

That my dears lead me down a very bumpy road of artists and men who never would value what I had to offer. Probably cause I couldn't see it either.

These days I'm seeing my worth a lot more. Feeling like myself and not fighting with it as much. I even got my haircut like I used to a looooong time ago and swore I'd never go back to that style again. After telling my hairstylist to do it she finished easily and said, "Wow... that cut really suits you"

Yup what is old is new again. Just hoping I get it right this time.

I didn't do the sun salutations this year. Or set up a new intention jar.

As I opened the one from 2015 and created the piles of what did and didn't happen I looked at it and decided not to make one for 2016. Reason being?

If I speak and do things from my heart, everything will fall into place the way it should. There's no need for a wish list anymore.

That's my 2016 plan and I'm sticking to it. I'll let you know how it goes with the fisherman.

Extra Storage

2015-12-13T16:56:00.003-05:00

While waiting out the rain to pass through before doing laundry, I sketched out this little guy I'd been thinking about.

Its always fun when a friend texts you "Hey Pen Pen. Whatcha doing?!"

And you get to answer "Painting a turtle hauling an RV."

Extra Storage or Truckin' - not sure what the title will be yet but enjoying it just the same.

Fancy hobo dreams continue.

Blub blub blub

2015-12-09T10:50:00.002-05:00

Got a good list of strange stuff to paint.

I've been trying to write down any random image that comes to mind so I can flesh it out in 2-D.

That list is growing thanks to my warped mind.

I like to draw and realize that these strange images can become reality pretty quickly. The scrap wood pile need a priming.

Going to finish up some old ones, start the new and apply for a call to arts account so I can start plugging them in all over this great land.

Blub blub blub....

Woot to the Woot

2015-12-07T14:51:00.006-05:00

psychic site up and running!
shop build out next..

Dorothea Delgado

As Adele would say:
"Hallooooo from the other side!"

All I want for Christmas

2015-12-06T08:16:00.002-05:00

All I want for Christmas...

Is to be a fancy hobo.

In the Beginning...

2015-12-03T11:16:00.003-05:00

Almost done with the psychic's web site and shop I'm building and its looking GOOD.

Yesterday I was on a double chat line with her domain company and also squarespace at the same time trying to switch the new site over. God bless screen shot so I could show my chat line buddies what I was doing to make sure it was right.

In building this site, I'm learning how to set up an online store. Thinking of starting my own shop as well and revamping my site. Gotta love learning new things.

As I was talking to my client yesterday she told me she realized the need for a good website after she went looking to sign up for a workshop and saw another psychics overwhelming purple and butterfly motif.

I told her its fun to figure out a way to sell her supernatural gifts to the mainstream and actually used the term "I'll business you up" so we can forgo the purple, unicorns and butterflies.

Supernatural marketing. My new love...

In between that, I'm realizing the yoga teacher training has paid off in spades as I'm practicing at home or on the beach. Maybe the cemetery next.

Have mat. will travel.

Grateful

2015-11-24T12:34:00.002-05:00

Grateful.

This is where I've been starting my mornings.

The park pass that gets full use in summer is about to get more use in the winter cause I've left the studio to do yoga out here for now.

Roll down to the beach this morning and have a good conversation with mom on the way to clear up some old stuff. Much better to talk it out than to let it simmer.

Start a yoga practice and find that when I do birds flock over to glide overhead.

This morning its a hawk and as I twist and turn I spot it hanging out with me. How amazing does it feel to spread your wings and see the same thing above? Really amazing.

After yoga teacher training I was so wound up about how to teach.

How to create a "sequence". Lately I just like to move and flow into positions that feel right to my body. Busting up stagnant energy with sun salutations under the natural light and leaves feels so good.

So do headstands in the sand looking out at the water upside down.

Its not a perfect asana as I get texts from my psychic asking to write up a thanksgiving message to her clients that we can send out this week.

I can't stop thinking about it, so I stop my practice to text her it'd be more meaningful coming from her instead of me. Not necessarily a yogi thing to do in the middle of a practice.

I give her a sample of what I'd write and as soon as I do she tells me she's just overwhelmed with readings right now and will write it later. Was good to not spin out with her while being clear about what is needed.

The beach starts to fill with tourists who are happily escaping the cold. I finish my practice and read a little from this book I have by Osho. Yoga: the science of living.

His words speak to me in a powerful way, but last week I was horrified to see a video of him. He looks like he could of been an extra from Mork and Mindy. Or a cult leader that might be passing me some Kool-aid later.

He may be a freak, but his words and philosophies on life are dead on. And helpful. I just can't watch him talk in his tin foil outfits. And that's ok.

After I get my fill, I walk down to the ocean to feel the water. There's something about finishing yoga and ripping off a shirt to go swimming in your booty shorts and sports bra.

So freeing to be in the moment. So alive.

I know I have been down on Key West lately. But this is a good reminder why I love Florida and can't wait to explore more of it. There is so much more out there. Exactly what I love - wildness. (in nature - not bars)

More state parks than any state in the country I found out recently. Looking forward to getting that car and moving even more.

Its good to have things to look forward to, no?

I ride onward watching all the tourists shuffle here and there. Picking up trash they leave behind. First a trash bag, then a water bottle cap.

Stop by my local bakery for a cup o joe and pastry, I get to see a fellow work friend and her dog Frank. Frank!!

Frank is a love bug and I can't get enough. I don't even care about my coffee as he jumps all over me.

And this is how I start my day. Grateful.

Breathe

2015-11-16T14:08:00.001-05:00

Paradise is slowly choking on greed and money.
Where is the air?

This comes into mind with each brush stroke.

Time will tell and I think a car is in the future. Even scoping out a teardrop trailer so I can go and stay everywhere.

In the meantime... I enjoy my pile of scrap wood, enjoy the cool breezes, build a psychics website, drink wine and bake cookies.

And life is good.

Accidental

2015-11-14T15:53:00.000-05:00

The accidental self portrait of a palm

Repeat

2015-11-11T09:06:00.002-05:00

Yoga, coffee, photo, swim, paint. Repeat.

Blossom

2015-11-07T11:28:00.002-05:00

Sometimes you have to lose yourself to find who you really are. Multiple times.

As I watch my hair grow out into its natural color I revel in the change. Seeing the person I tried to cover up, come back in again. Wearing different hair colors, different jobs, different relationships to see what fits is no longer needed.

I love watching the dark color fill back in and wonder why I ever tried to change it. It works. My eyes look more alive framed with my natural coloring. There is an intensity.

Maybe I wasn't ready for it before.

The dark line lengthens complete with a few grays that I'm ok not removing. My grandmother had beautiful gray hair and so will I someday.

She is here and always was. Currently her uniform is yoga booty shorts and muscle t-shirts.

And it works

Turning a Corner / Pedal to the Metal

2015-11-03T16:57:00.001-05:00

Feeling like I'm coming out the other side.

A good day yesterday at yoga. Love a full room and the energy of it all. I feel strong.

Found a curbside pile of wood to paint on. Been pondering some new stuff when it appeared magically. I left a few pieces for other peeps.

Going to put a down payment on my Greece retreat.

Found out Tibetan monks are coming in January to do a sacred art tour, including making a sand mandala. The chanting alone gives me chills.

Designed a flyer in one day and it got me out of my work funk. Got more design on tap I haven't felt up to until I did that flyer.

A new mattress and frame arrived via amazon prime today. There's something exciting and hopeful about a new mattress that just makes me really fucking happy.

Going to start selling my artwork through my website. Really. Don't give a shit anymore, its gonna happen.

And this. Purple Rain mother f*ckers!