A Joyful Place called Home

Sharing Families

getsweetieberry@gmail.com (She's So There) — Mon, 26 Oct 2009 13:29:00 +0000

Sharing children sometimes sharing illnesses. It rarely fails that if our children go for more than a day to their other family’s home in another state that they will come home and within a day be ill. They run so hard while they are gone, bed times are thrown to the wind, activities are planned rapid fire because they do not get to be there often, that they are tired, worn out, and susceptible by the time day three comes.

We try very hard to plan a half day or day home early when they are gone for a week or so. It allows the children to come in, sleep, and slow down a day so school isn’t missed the next week. Sometimes its not possible, as it wasn’t last week, there were family activities there until the last moment.

If you are the “visited” parent, please take time to consider that your child will want to stay up 24/7 with you, but perhaps fewer activities and simply more time with you is a way to counteract a child becoming so exhausted they literally are susceptible by the time they are there. After all, its a new environment for them germ wise, and if cousins and step siblings are involved, there are all their exposures as well. The children are very unlikely to not agree to anything you put before them, they do not want to disappoint you!! (but sometimes what can be done in a weekend is not what would be in the child’s best interest)

My two younger children are both sick this last week. They h!

ad been away from home a week, going 24/7 hunting, playing, staying up and having a great time. However, it has not been a great time missing school, doing makeup work, and being ill for several days after they over extended themselves on the trip and subsequently missing a couple of days of school after they got home…

So often our children simply want to “be” with us when they visit….no entertainments or big events necessary….just time with us.

Have a great day

hugs

Sweetie

We All Do it Differently

getsweetieberry@gmail.com (She's So There) — Tue, 20 Oct 2009 00:52:00 +0000

The children just returned from Fall break with their new Stepmom and Dad. It was a good week for all. They hunted deer together, they attended a college football game, they gathered at their grandparents home…..they did life their way. The homes are very different but we all love the children.

Being now the “ex wife” more often than the “children’s natural mother” has really been a shift in my role. The children’s father was single for almost a decade after our divorce. We worked well as a team, though separately, without anyone else involved. Last February though that has changed. The dynamics change with a new wife in the picture…and we are thankful for her. I am blessed that she not only loves our children, she chooses to include them in as her children as well. This is her first run at motherhood, and the children both are blessed to have her.

What one doesn’t expect when you leave a traditional situation with your children, is that divorce and remarriage gives outsiders rights to have opinions on your parenting. Often in the last eight months I have had to carefully think through comments said or offered to my children as most likely not meant as they were heard….and I often wonder how many of my own words are used in ways that may sound “off” to the new step mom. I am thankful for her, more than she knows, because we are both trying to simply love the children and help them know they are loved. There is enough pressure on children when there are two sets of parents, without unpleasantness between the parents. Extended family members have accepted our children on both sides, and I am thankful that they are seen simply as “the grandchildren” now his or her children.

Who knew though, that after almost a decade of believing that there is enough room in the children’s lives for all of us, that I would have to remind myself of that fact regularly as we readjusted routines and opened calendars to make the new schedules work. We are readjusting the schedules, the boundaries, and the relationships to keep everyone as included as possible….after all, the children have two families, and I want them to love and participate with all of us without pressure or guilt…..that’s what A Joyful Place Called Home…is all about.

Choosing Boundaries

getsweetieberry@gmail.com (She's So There) — Sat, 12 Sep 2009 15:53:00 +0000

Choosing boundaries...it is the name of the game with blended or step families. You have a reality of at least one other household in which your child spends time. Just as you cannot control what is served for dinner somewhere else, when your child visits his/her other parent you cannot control what happens there. Of course there are basic health and safety concerns that legally you can require, but those are generally not the issues you have to face as your children grow up.

Our children's households are vastly different. What I do know is we all love the children, albeit differently. My mantra has continued to be our children have enough love for all of us....

Teenage years produce more challenges for step and blended families. Teenagers can definitely push the envelope on communications. In some families, parents are played against one another and living arrangements change like making a bed. In our family, there isn't an option for our children to choose to live with their other parent without a court requiring it. We've been there and aren't visiting that area again. Children should not have the power or authority to choose whom to live with, which in many cases, is instigated over anger over boundaries....or lack of getting their way. The issues don't stop with where a child lives. There are authority issues like what are the boundaries for cell phones, curfews, independence with vehicles, dating etc. Unlike traditional parenting, every parental decision may be debated from the chid's other parent set or grandparents....and while their opinions truly may not count legally, they certainly do count with your child and with the peace level in your home. We try our best to respect and gather input from the children's other parents on decisions that affect them.

We enter a new season this Fall, one with independent drivers, a new teenager, and many new boundaries to revisit with their coming of age. Each step taken carefully, communicating with our spouse first, then the other parents if something we need to let them communicate on, then the children. A unified front matters....when ever we can.

Back to School

getsweetieberry@gmail.com (She's So There) — Sun, 30 Aug 2009 14:47:00 +0000

The start of school is always an interesting time for a blended family. In some cases the children have just come off of four to six weeks in a different family environment. In our case that is true. Everything changes in August. They come home, they change grades, they have new routines and new environments.
Keeping our family on a happier path means establishing space after visitation to allow the children to "readjust" to home. Allow grieving of their daily time with the other parents, allow them to get ready to begin a new year again.
Simple dinners, a family movie night, time at a park.....we work towards all of them the first few weeks of school until we're back on a weekly pattern of "family night" around the ball games, gym trips and life. Having that family night to count on to have fun, de-stress, to play together is what helps us be a family.

hugs,
Sweetie

Choosing Date Night

getsweetieberry@gmail.com (She's So There) — Tue, 04 Aug 2009 11:55:00 +0000

When you are a blended family date night as a couple takes on a whole new level of priority. As the family first comes together, there are the days of figuring out how two households do this as one....and your couple hood matters....its like a freshly planted sappling...if its not watered carefully and tenderly cared for, it can be uprooted before it grows.
Les and I have understood from the beginning that date night for our marriage was important. We often had financial issues in the beginning as he moved from a higher paying job to my state with additional children and responsibilities, but even then, we chose our relationship to be as important as any thing else we focused on. I believe that choice was a wise one.
When we first married, the children were often jealous of the new spouse. The truth was that as happyas they were we were marrying, and they were....they didn't want anyone or anything to remove the attention from their parent they had had. For both of our oldest children, this was almost as traumatic as anything else they went through, when you are a single parent, you and your oldest child usually become very close....a new spouse may change how that closeness works....in our case for both of our oldest children it very much did.
Seven years down the road it is almost funny what we have had to do to make date nights happen. From quick trips to Sonic for a 15 minute time out and couple time to literally parking the car and walking at the park....and oh the rules we enacted along the way...."no talking about the children" "no talking about the exs" "no family talk at all regarding extended family" which some nights left us very much in one of two modes....silence or searching for conversations that didn't involve the others! :)
As we enter year eight one of the best decisions we have made is choosing date night. We selected Friday nights when its not football season and Tuesday nights when it is. We often do not leave until close to bedtime and often the dates do not last but an hour or two, but that time is something to look forward to, something to dress up for, something to plan for and that has made such a difference in our marriage.
God is so good, marriage is important and in a blended family, its essential to spend time with both!

The Six Month Check Up

getsweetieberry@gmail.com (She's So There) — Mon, 03 Aug 2009 19:45:00 +0000

Six months ago I achieved another title...his first wife....meaning, there is a second one. Our divorce was over a decade ago and I truly didn't think that it would affect much as far as I was concerned for my exhusband to remarry. My concerns were far more about how my children, ages, 13 and 16, would respond to the news their father would marry again. I have long preached and shared what I believe that there is enough love for all of us ...that the children should be able to love each of us without guilt or shame...or pressure.
There is much to be said for a father remarrying. In our case, the new lady of the house is much younger than I, sixteen years to be exact, and my children are her only children at this point in her life. I want them to love her and I am thankful she will love them....after all, she and I have no history between us, I was long gone before she ever arrived on the scene...and as much as I am able to, I am thankful they have each other. My own remarriage was over seven years ago and had nothing to do with her situation or theirs.
So here are the answers to the questions (and I can't believe you asked!!!)

Did it bother you that he remarried?

Actually I have been praying that he would find a new wife one day and that she would be a Christian, love him dearly, and they would live happily ever after!

Come on, 28?

Their father has always been an energetic 44, so 28 is about right to keep up!

So what's the hardest part?

The mistrust and the assumed position that we can't get along, or that I am not doing things with the children's best interest in mind....I am thankful she includes my children as her stepchildren and thankful her family has chosen to love them too....now if we could simply break down the walls and communicate more comfortably...

What's the BEST part?

That they are happy...and my children see that...and that they are welcome when they are there...

What's it really like for your ex-husband to remarry?

Freedom. Its like knowing its finally over, we are both choosing our own happily ever afters....and we are both happy in our new tomorrows...

What was unexpected?

That I would find that it was easier to stop emotional eating after they wed....I didn't know how much of my weight was based on feeling guilty over his unhappiness and some other things from my past (72 lbs later, what a revelation!)

Its like beginning a new process of co parenting to deal with my exhusband's new spouse, but so far so good and I am thankful!

Sweetie

Public Places,Ex husbands, and Horses...

getsweetieberry@gmail.com (She's So There) — Mon, 29 Jun 2009 12:30:00 +0000

This weekend we drove 1000 miles to witness our daughter's end of camp ride and rodeo in another state. It was a chancy weekend, we knew that we could not pick the children up, yet we had hoped they would be allowed to dine with us afterwards and then drop them off at their dad's like has happened so many times before. We arrived at the camp just as the show began. How appreciative I was of the camp director to make two sets of certificates and pictures, so each family could have one.
The event went well and we hugged their necks and put them in the car with their natural dad and stepmom. Her natural dad mentioned he had planned a surprise birthday pizza party and dinner with them really wouldn't work this time. It would spoil her party. Of course, it was apparent quickly that no such party existed, and afterward the disappointment of a broken promise, twelve year old daughter immediately caught that Dad had simply kept her from spending time with a mom and stepdad she hadn't seen and was very homesick for in six weeks. How sad, and on her birthday eve as well. Legal issues could have been pushed, for I have every right to have her on her birthday eve which according to her paperwork is ours, but in this case, why would I wish to make daughter pay for her natural dad's lack of working together in unity? We hugged her neck, and told her we'd see her next weekend, and assured her it was okay. She was once again put in the position of dealing with disappointment when it doesn't have to be that way.
At the event, I offered to take family pictures of their family so they could all be in the picture. They accepted. Other than that, not one word, nor grunt was made, despite pleasantries being offered. The picture offer was after my exhusband failed to speak, nod, or answer greetings during the hour and a half we were there. Thankfully the new stepmom is not as avoiding of pleasantries. The children need all of us, preferably getting along or at least neutral. How sad that my children's father has chosen this route after last year's move to another state on our part. Before this last six months, we were able to sit near each other at events and share happy times as two couples supporting their children.
My friend Bob Collins, the Stepcoach, says stepfamilies require "Love beyond all Reason" and I felt that exactly this weekend. We do what we have to do to support our children having as little stress as possible. Was I disappointed? Yes. Was I irritated by the ex behavior? Absolutely. Did I choose to show it? As much as possible no. Our children were the main event Friday night, not their natural parents' lack of relationship. Better to shelf the frustrations and disappointments and simply applaud the children's events! After all we'd drive ten hours to be there to support her!
Unhealthy people do hold on to anger. Unhealthy people choose to place blame on others. The truth is though, that if I hold onto that anger past sundown, I am just as guilty of sinning. God tells us to forgive each other so we can be forgiven....and whatever pain it is to get over my flesh...its bound to be better than a life without God's forgiveness! Life in a step family can be very challenging. You are asked to love without love returned, to forgive without forgiveness at times, to reach out to those who may indeed not reach back in kindness. The best of all world's though is when we can get past our own selfishness and do what is right for the children, which in my humble opinion is to allow them to love all of us without guilt, shame, or having to choose.

hugs,
Sweetie

Summer Visits

getsweetieberry@gmail.com (She's So There) — Sat, 20 Jun 2009 11:28:00 +0000

Visitation is still underway. We have our college boy home and our two younger teens at their natural dad's in another state. It is a different time, one that is good and hard all at the same time. Cell phones and the internet mean that we have an easier route for communications between us, but the distance is still there.
We live 400 miles from my children's father. It makes me so aware after living years in the same 80 mile area, how hard it is for him that the children now don't come every other weekend as they used to. The truth is his job has changed, and even if we were still there, it would be difficult because he works so many of the weekends. We were liberal about visitation times, we shared them more than any paperwork required, so it was truly a change when distance and high school activities changed my son from being able to go on the weekends.
As step and blended families reach teenaged years, visitation takes on a different level complexity. Children in sports cannot leave their teams in the fall or spring to travel without cost to the team and to themselves. Children in band competitions and other organizations are penalized for missing weekend activities, yet they still need their other parents.
What we have found is that moving to an area if possible works. We moved to Arkansas to be near the children's natural father and parents. It wasn't a happy move for me at the time. I had no desire to give up my job where I was, my home, nor my life. However, as a single mom, it simply didn't make sense so many years ago to stay six hours away where my children would have to go through twelve hours in the car per weekend to see their dad. They were little, and it was hard on all of us.
Later, their father moved back to his parents home town to be nearer where we settled seventy miles from them. It gave us two different arenas to live in, but easy enough to get the children back and forth.
Economies change and my husband's job was moved to another state. Both parents tried to move to the new area. We stayed, he did not. Change is hard. New communities require new investment of yourself to become part of it. He didn't choose to. We had to, and we did.
Step and blended families have choices that are so foreign to traditional families. The children's needs must be considered, its not just about the adults' lives anymore....yet God still is first, marriages second, then the needs of the children....even when the order is difficult...God is God and we are not.

How is your summer visitation going?

Children and sports in the blended life.

getsweetieberry@gmail.com (She's So There) — Wed, 17 Jun 2009 11:34:00 +0000

After seven years of sharing children with two other households, we have seen a fair amount of times when the children indeed paid for our status. This summer, our children are with their natural father for six weeks of the summer. They are thrilled to be there, but there are also costs.
Baseball and swim season is a big deal where we are. It begins in April and goes through July. ... Our children didn't choose to participate this year because they knew that to do so meant that they had two choices: 1. Miss practices/games to do visitation with their much loved dad or 2. Put their heart and soul into a team they would then walk away from mid season.
Tough stuff for a step and blended family...baseball was a passion for one of our children, but he would prefer to do without than risk hurting anyone's feelings. Where did that leave him though? His friends simply didn't understand. There was pressure from coaches to not go for the summer. (like that would work...how silly!) and most of all, son and daughter knew once again that they weren't part of "the set"...you know...that imaginery group of "normal" folks who have it together.
This summer our church has a program for girls ages 9-13. One of the best situations I have seen for step and blended families. Each week is set up to be totally inclusive for that session (2 hours) so that visiting family, step children, or foster children will have a complete experience without penalty for being "temporary". The church has gone out of its way to identify to the local congregation that we must reach out to step and blended family members who are on their six week visitation. They have included them in newsletter mailouts before they arrived, they included them in personal invitations to the events during their time with their other parent, grandparent or care giver. They have made a point to prepare our youth to receive and reach out to the children who are in a different environment for the summer.
I appreciate that effort. For my own children face summer in a community they don't attend school in. They would like to be a part of things there, but like every other teenager, its tough to be the new guy every year for six weeks.
What can we do to help our children and those children who have temporary situations (foster care, visitation, visiting relatives) have positive experiences in the churches and organizations we know? What rules do we need to look at to see if they are inclusive or simply not appropriate for today's family (example: miss a practice and you're "out" when the other parent has control of part of that time)

Be blessed!
Sweetie

Summer Time Toxic Transfers

getsweetieberry@gmail.com (She's So There) — Sun, 31 May 2009 10:54:00 +0000

This morning is the morning we load up the two youngest children and meet their dad and new stepmom 3.5 hours on the road from here and the children go for the next 4 weeks. Its an exciting time for them as well as a nervous time.
Toxic times if you ask me....you see, they are in the neverlands....excited to be with dad, sorry to be missing their friends here, thrilled for the possibilities summer has in the country at their grandparents, frustrated that they are missing church and youth trips here. For the last four days before they go we see their fallout despite their excitement to be going. Toxic turnovers are part of the step and blended family visitation times. My children get nervous about the changes and it affects each of them differently. One of my older children used to get plain silly for a week before he saw his mom. You could count on him forgetting simple things and walking around like he was in a daze. Son2 is more angry. He gets angry about any detail regarding meeting on the road...he just wants peace....and to not have any schedule...and of course moving families is like a tactical movement in the army....there are logistics to work out...who, where, when, how, what do they take, when do they come back, who does the drop offs and gets the targets home? lol
There is usually a move for power on the other end at our toxic transition. Times are changed and locations at the very last minute change, mainly to make sure I am not in charge...which is fine with me...it just adds one more apple to the overturned applecart of trying to get them ready and out the door.
Families do toxic transitions every which way. We personally prefer the meet 1/2 way mode. We usually share a meal or snack together then part. The meal may be the shortest on record, but we try to have a common front for that time period. We purchased each child their own phones when they reached 10 because that way they can call us without it being a long distance issue. It also means there is less likelihood of anyone leading them NOT to call....you'd be amazed how busy they got one summer, we never were able to get them on a phone but 3 times for six weeks....usually they talk here three times a day with their other parents there each day...can you say working on custody changes? (Later the court did not affirm any changes to move there)
Today the letter writing campaign begins. My youngest at 12 still likes to know she can get mail, so I write there while she's gone. The first had to be mailed last Thursday to be there Monday, but it matters.
The truth is my children need their father, his wife, and their grandparents. The truth is also that for our family, it is a time to focus on our college boy who is home for the summer as well as each other while the house is just us. It will be a busy time in our work life, so we will work harder to the down time. Who knows maybe Mt Washmore will be caught up!

God is good, and may the Toxic Transfer begin!

Mother's Day

getsweetieberry@gmail.com (She's So There) — Wed, 06 May 2009 12:52:00 +0000

One of the more brazenly interesting things that happen in step and blended families, is you are put in the position of having to walk your talk more than the average bear. If you don't, you have two sets of families, two sets of children reporting on your reality to their other parents.

Not only are you rearing children with another women you most likely wouldn't have seen coming in your childhood (Ooooh, pretty please, may I grow up, be left by my husband, and then get to share my children's upbringing with someone he picks?....nah, not me either) but the truth is that my children will reap the benefits of me being the adult I am supposed to be. This is our first year with a new step mom on the plate. We are excited about her, she is a first time spouse, and first time step mom, no children biologically of her own yet.

There is no rule book, so I could simply, as birth mom, ignore her and then pretend she didn't exist. However, my children love their father, and I want them to love their new step mom too. She isn't in competition with me. I am not her competition either (as if, she's 28, I'm 44...and we are as opposite as perhaps we can be) However, there's room in their hearts and mine for both of us.

This new bride and step mom will influence my children. They are 12 and 15, and will spend six weeks with this new to them step mom this summer. She will be at most holidays, some ballgames, and events in their life for the rest of their lives. I'm not even sure she realized just how much difference she's made already. The children and their dad were a tight three pack, now they are having to learn that Dad has a new partner and they are a two pack that comes after her. They will learn things from her. So far, they've learned she's willing to share their father and isn't going to make him stop being in constant contact with them. They've learned he's found his laughter again and is happier than he has been in a while. They've also learned that wedding weekends can be fun. I am thankful. She is truly caring of their needs and I am thankful for that as well.
Mother's day comes up this weekend. There are those who say "She's not their mother" but truthfully she is their step mom. She could have said "They are his problem" but she didn't, she has engaged with my children, calls them weekly, and makes them welcome and her family has too. (how thankful I am for that she will never fully know) Yes, I could wait and send her a card next week when its Stepmother's Day on May 17th, but I want her to know that they and we are thinking of her too. No, we don't have to ....its not in the rule book....but I know when I was the new step mom for our two oldest, it meant alot when I received a Mother's Day card from their mother, particularly at a time when it was rather bitter that I had custody of her children....a complete stranger who had married her ex husband and moved with him to another state. Yet we knew from day one it was in our children's best interest to work things out.
That's the thing, it is always in your children's best interest to work things out. There's enough love in your children's hearts for all of you, just as you are. The marriage/divorce is history, that's not an option any more, but today and the future....it doesn't need to be filled with yesterday's anger, resentments, and catty comments. Forgive whatever happened, prepare your heart to go forward....yes, there are boundaries that have to be held with unhealthy folks, or folks who have no boundaries themselves, but the simple things, they can be managed....civility....kind words....affirmations to your children that its okay to love others....to like others.....to enjoy time with others.....even if it has to be done in the boundaries of which it can be safe to do so.
If your other parent(s) aren't participatory, it may not be they are the silly gooses you make them out to be. They may be reeling from the guilt of leaving, or reeling from the reality of not rearing their own child themselves, or they may be hurting in ways you have no idea that exist. Divorce leaves many scars, custody battles even deeper ones.....you don't have to become best friends, but what does it hurt to allow them to know their children even if the desire is unreciprocated? One of my friends sends monthly email newsletters to her children's father....he never calls, writes, anything....but he appreciates the connection, even if he cannot tell her himself.....he has shared it with others who did. ...and she was told that he simply couldn't handle dealing with the pain, but he loved hearing about his children. That's valid folks.....we'd wish them to get help or get past themselves...but some folks can't.....wasn't that part of the problem in the marriage to begin with?
Mother's Day....for me its a time to reflect just how thankful I am for an exhusband who does work with me to rear these children. Our times have not been easy together after our divorce nine years ago...but we have and try to always choose what works for the children....and that's what matters.

Perspectives and Preparations

getsweetieberry@gmail.com (She's So There) — Wed, 06 May 2009 03:06:00 +0000

Are your children going to their other parents for six weeks this summer? Will the children attend church at their other parents? Do you know the situation there? Are you able to let the youth/children/bible school people there know your child is coming? Our church has begun an initiative to help welcome the "summer children" into the youth and children's programming. We know how hard it is to be a teen and/or child who is only at a parent's home for 42 days in the summer and sporadic times during the year. How much easier for your children if a welcome letter, phone call, and alert is waiting for them when they get to their other parent's home.
What about at your home church while the children are gone? Are you still working with their friends, helping chaperone and hanging out with their friends? We make sure to encourage emails and updates to our out of state during the summer children while they are with their dad. So many summers they simply felt entirely "out of the loop" while they were away on visitation.
What can we do to promote an easier path for our families? What can we do to promote an easier path for our children? Not all parents can co parent. Not all situations are healthy for our children with their other parents. What can we do to bridge the gaps and help heal the hurts that divorce brought to our children? Simply by being honest with our children about how hard it is for some of the situations they face is a great first step in making it better. My own children needed to hear me and their natural dad say it was "okay" for them to love their step dad seven years ago. They needed their natural dad's permission so they didn't feel disloyal to him. I am thankful he willingly encouraged them to love their step dad...even though it was very hard for him to do!
God asks us to put the past behind us. To start each day facing forward and looking to Him to answer our needs and to lead our paths. Broken marriages cause pain that is truly hard to heal, but God is in the business of healing. God is in the business of restoration. Let's let Him be the God of our step and blended situations too.

Step Mom Blogs (and Dads)

getsweetieberry@gmail.com (She's So There) — Thu, 30 Apr 2009 13:26:00 +0000

Hello, if you are here today, you may have seen my call on Twitter to find Step moms and those working with step moms who are blogging! I'd love to create a blog roll here of moms and step moms who are living our walk. You do not have to blog only as the step mom or mom, but your blog should from time to time acknowledge and share that part of your life.

Please leave a comment below with your blog address and we'll add that section in the next few days. This is a free site, with the intention of becoming a site for resources for all step families!
While we are Christian, we do not expect that anyone else is required to be one to participate here! We are developing this site and it will be changing weekly as we prepare to be launched as a national resource in July from several national organizations. Please bear with us as we learn, grow, and share!

Sincerely,

Les & Sweetie Berry

Step and Blended...Seven years later...

getsweetieberry@gmail.com (She's So There) — Thu, 30 Apr 2009 12:43:00 +0000

Les & I began our journey as a stepfamily almost seven years ago. We began with a marriage that brought his children and job 400 miles from where they had lived. They changed from a urban area to a rural area, the children changed schools, cultures, and situations at home.
Les & I were both very aware we were a step family. He had grown up in one, and had been the son who saw parents struggle after divorce and remarriage. I had been the one who only knew step families through a very limited perspective as a teacher who dealt with the children whose homes were broken....and my impressions were naive and very limited. I simply knew that children need both parents, children need to be allowed to love their non resident parents without guilt or interference, and I knew that I wanted our home to be different.
When Les and I married, we had both been divorced for quite a while. We didn't leave other spouses for each other, nor were former spouses even aware we were dating. That meant that bottom line, their children were marrying someone they didn't know at all. A scary thing for parents who do not have custody of their children. We helped our former spouses understand before the wedding that we were marrying, gave pertinent information to them, and waited for the response. The response we got was not unnatural. There was fear that the children would be mistreated. There was fear of the new spouse to be's background and proof wanted that they had clear backgrounds, (which as a matter of fact we allowed) and concerns that the new marriage would greatly affect dynamics of how we had functioned for visitation, etc.
When my exhusband remarried in February of this year, some ten years later, I remembered what it was to be the new step mom. I immediately wanted to meet or talk to the bride to be, to let her know that we had no reason to be less than friendly. After all, I am not her competition, and we would share children. The bride, however, was not particularly desiring to meet or know the exwife....me. Who could blame her...from her perspective, why would anyone not stay married to her husband to be? From her perspective, why would I have anything to say to her.But as a bride who has not had children before, there are many reasons why I am the one who can pave her path for interactions with her new step children, I have known them for 12 and 15 year respectively, and little does she know even the best of children will take advantage of situations. Not to mention things like allergies, asthma, and issues. However, meet we did and now have a neutral ground and a friendly one to work from.
New step moms seem to go one way or another. Either they think "this will be so different from what every one else experiences, because "I" am different" or "oh gosh, this is going to be tough"
Both are right.

More tomorrow.

God is good!

Rounding them Up

getsweetieberry@gmail.com (She's So There) — Sat, 25 Apr 2009 11:29:00 +0000

This week Les and I are asking for you to start rounding up the moms and step moms you know and share with them that we're creating a resource for reading, entertainment, resources and information about being a step or blended family. We're entering into a period of gathering the needs...yesterday we did a #hashtag on Twitter asking in six words or less the issues people were facing that day....it was interesting to see what came in (see comment with some of the responses on the previous post pasted into one comment)

What's going on at the Berry home? The latest issues have been more about teenage stuff than step or blended family issues. We have basically three teenagers, all fiercely independent, yet still dependent upon parents to help them make decisions and definately the ones called when life goes sour. One is facing the task of learning to juggle freedom with finances while maintaining the necessary insurance payments and balancing the need to have food money. Our next son is convinced at 15 that he is fully capable of maintaining his own decisions on his life, unfortunately his belief that he is invincible hasn't lived up to his reality when the count is down ...so every now and then mom and step dad have to step in and call the boundary. Miss Priss is less than 60 days away from 13 and we can tell. Suddenly our princess of peace is more like an edgy volcano....spouting a few misfires every now and then as she learnes to juggle hormones and the pressures of being a teenager.

What are the old issues: Children who really don't want the "step" part of the parents to ever initiate a direct "order" to do something. It really isn't that its a step issue at all, the child will grunt, sound frustrated, or sigh that sigh that goes to the next county if the natural parent does it either. Children in a step family really like to pull out all the stops on what mileage they can use against the parental units. It's not even about liking them in our case, the children all love their parent and step parent, its simply a "I am not submitting to authority" thing...played out in any language or focused on any person or reason they can think to blame it on.

In our family, we've been married for six years. We took Ron Deal's advice and worked on letting the biological parent be the "heavy" on directives when we married each other the children were around 5,8,12, and 16, however in the real world of our family, all parents are the "every day" parent....we have custody of all of our children for most of the year, so the concept of a step dad or step mom not being able to expect to tell a child what to do, wasn't going to fly. There are just too many times when the other parent had to be the one at home. However, we did in general and still do, let the biological parent address the issues or at least be the forward person as we both discuss something that has gone down. We work really hard on being together to discuss family issues, but there are times when the bio parent and the child or the step parent and the child simply need 1:1 time to work out their irritations peacefully.

Now if you have a solution for how you handle the teenager who doesn't seem to connect taking off clothes/socks and the floor versus a laundry basket...let me know!

God is good!
Sweetie & Les Berry

What's the Biggest Issue You Face this week as a Step or Blended Family

getsweetieberry@gmail.com (She's So There) — Mon, 20 Apr 2009 12:15:00 +0000

Hi, my name is Sweetie Berry, I'm a step and blended family advocate and I really want to know what your biggest issue or challenge is as a step or blended family! We've got a team of folks ready to "plug in" to your questions and issues....so please, comment below with your issues and challenges!

The biggest challenge we're facing right now is how to get our teenagers to do what they are asked to do without it being a "step" child issue and recognizing its simply a "I'm a child and I need to do what I'm asked" issue.

What's your challenge this week?

Creating A New Family Tradition....

getsweetieberry@gmail.com (She's So There) — Sat, 11 Apr 2009 12:55:00 +0000

Step and Blended families have all kinds of challenges where holidays are concerned. If its not visitation, its guilt over not having visitation. Holidays can bring added stress to a new or continuing step or blended family. In America we tend to paint a picture that all families are "Norman Rockwell" moment families. The truth is that all families are different and what is "normal" in one is not "normal" for the next.

Our family found traditional holidays to be really a taxing time. A large extended family on both sides made the children feel torn between loyalties to original parents and new parents....and often the holiday was a gut wrenching, guilt overtoned period....a no win situation for them no matter what was happening. Early on, my ex husband and I made an agreement to try to let the children have both of us....without guilt. Easter is traditionally a time the children are home for the weekend. Christmas is a bigger deal for his family, so my gift to them is to let the children go each year.

The truth for us is that we needed our own alternately timed family traditions in our blended family. We do specific things each year at specific times give or take a week due to sports or visitation....to celebrate us as a family too and the one who made US! Easter egg hunts have nothing to do with Easter...but in our Southern heritage, they have a lot to do with gathering up friends and relatives and enjoying good times together! We have often hosted a city wide Easter egg hunt in our rural town....and the activities such as stuffing the eggs and dying the others were reason enough to have multiple age grouped parties to share the adventures! These giving to the city parties allowed us to step outside outselves and share our labors with others....always a good thing for a blended family...to unite for a common cause!

God bless you this Easter! I am thankful we did not have a tornado come through our home yesterday though the hail and storms were tough enough! God loves you and enjoy His Resurrection Sunday!

The Best Taco Soup Ever!

getsweetieberry@gmail.com (She's So There) — Thu, 09 Apr 2009 12:16:00 +0000

Taco Soup

1 lb. ground round crumbled and browned
2 cans petite diced tomatoes
3 cans of beans (I use 1 black bean, 1 kidney bean and one of the husband pleasin’ variety)
2 cans beef broth
1 small can diced green chilies
1 can corn (I like the mixed white and yellow)
2 packages of your favorite taco mix
Mix all in a large soup pot and simmer 30 minutes before serving. Serve with warm tortillas and butter.

Last Saturday night after the wedding, we drove to my Aunt Rose's home in Tulsa. We had the most delicious soup that every.single.member of our family loved that was present. I thought I would share it with you today!

hugs!
Sweetie

Teaming Together

growingintolovely@gmail.com (Sweetie) — Sun, 05 Apr 2009 06:17:00 +0000

This evening was our oldest daughter's wedding day....and a beautiful evening it was! One of the best parts of our remarriage was the decision to choose to work together to parent our children....not every ex wife and current wife choose to be polar in positioning, Kimberly's mom and I sat together on the front row of the wedding, cried together and have reared our children together....today, both of our families were seamlessly one as we came together to celebrate our daughter/stepdaughter's wedding day....and I am so thankful we have chosen to work through the tough times to be this way with one another....after all...we are ALL her family! Each of us our own role in her life and all of us love and want the best for her!

May God bless their union and give them grace and peace in their household forever.

God is good!

Sweetie

What Perceptions Do You Face?

getsweetieberry@gmail.com (She's So There) — Sun, 29 Mar 2009 13:57:00 +0000

For many years as an educator, I wrestled with the forms at the beginning of school. The school forms we filled out for each child were not very forth coming with the true picture of who the child was reared by at home as adults in their lives. The form asked for one mother, one father, or guardian. Not a very adequate data form for the majority of step and blended families in today's families. In my own children’s lives, there is one mother and step dad they live with, and one step mom and natural father who is in another state. In an emegency, the number will go to a neighbor, for our families are 400 miles away. I have a friend who for safety reasons need the schools and organizations to know who NOT to let pick up her children on the forms. Communication is necessary! While the out of state parents cannot perhaps run in an emergency to the school, or maybe don't have the legal right to. They are absolutely VERY important in our children's lives. They want to know the school website, the passcode entries for newsletters, conferences, and special events. Online gradebooks can be accessible to all. Including your child's other parents on emails, mail outs, and notifications helps keep our children close to both of us. It can also be used as ammunition to attack each other. Please, let all try to move past that stage! Now it’s not always my favorite thing for a child’s natural dad to know the “ammo” of what is not right in my life with a child. Whether it is too many tardies, although the child arrives at school 15 minutes early, or a poor grade on an online report card, we have to keep the focus on the child, and not just analyze and criticize each other’s parenting. The reverse is true too, sometimes distance makes connecting the dots of parenthood easier to focus. My younger children’s dad noticed that after lunch one of ours was simply doing poorly each year, so we changed what that child had for choices after lunch as well as provided longer acting allergy meds for his heavy allergies. Within six weeks it made a real difference in how that child's day went at school.
What changes would you like to see organizations and/or churches do to make organizations and churches more inclusive to our children’s lives? We’re collecting issues and how or if you’ve resolved it. Please share your experiences or comments below. My passion is helping organizations and churches learn new perceptions on how to help make a joyful place called home happen, especially for those of us in Step and Blended families. Communication is often the key, whether its changing a form’s data, understanding the need for flexible programming requirements, or what have you. Whether its limiting the absences to participate on weekend ball teams or form changes needed in clubs. Let’s share our voice and our comments on what you are facing that isn’t inclusive to all members of your families! There are things to be said and appropriate leaders are listening!

A New Set of Rules

getsweetieberry@gmail.com (She's So There) — Sat, 28 Mar 2009 09:19:00 +0000

Do you have experiences where your child/children had to choose whether or not to participate or were not allowed to participate in sports/church/clubs because scheduling visitation does not allow for their participation. One of the more serious issues for our family when we began as a step family, was to face sports seasons. Our local coaches felt if you missed two practices you were off the team. Our children's natural dad lived 70 miles away and only saw them on alternate weekends. Every baseball season we'd make 5 practices during the week, but by about the 3rd weekend my child would be very torn regarding practice vs time with his dad. Of course, DAD won, but son lost. He would have to choose...and in that choice miss something very important to a little boy....his baseball season.
We feel strongly that organizations do need the respect of attendance for teams and groups one commits to, but children are children and should not have to choose between parent time and group time. They have lose enough in losing an original family, why should it be set up so they lose more? We have had the same tough choices for youth camps with their Sunday school group, concerts prepared for but never participated in because there was only one weekend performance, and youth church programs that always met on weekend nights only when they were gone.
We, as a church, have to stop and realize that there are all kinds of families that cannot do Sunday night only activities. Workers that do shift work cannot take off Sunday shifts, we must learn to offer worship experiences at all times in our often empty buildings. Night workers, emergency workers, hospital staffs, all need time with God and corporate worship too!
Share with us your time/organizational struggles with your own step or blended families....we're being asked to tell the real stories and we need them to tell!

God is God! He is good!

A Crooked Path

getsweetieberry@gmail.com (She's So There) — Sun, 22 Mar 2009 11:31:00 +0000

When Les and I were divorced, we didn't have the "free ticket out of Dodge" experience. We had both been through gut wrenching endings of our marriages. It wasn't a pretty time, or experience for either of us, no one rejoices over a broken marriage or broken family. Our stories and brokenness were almost the same, years before we met each other, and 400 miles a part.....We had both sought family as we both desired our homes to be a God centered place with family who would be together forever, not have the pain of not one, but two divorces each....and the disillusionment that goes with shattered dreams, broken hearts, and horrifying realities financially of what happens when your life falls apart. God had a plan to restore our lives even in the ashes of marriages destroyed.....Even eight years ago, Les nor I would have imagined that God could fix our broken worlds.

In Les's history was an unwanted divorce as his first wife left him and his children were young and it was hard. Later, a marriage to a young woman who had a son that Les reared as a step dad and only dad from the time he was one until he was six. Seeking solutions, Les and his second wife married entirely too fast, the hard part of healing had not been allowed to be done...they were both in a rush to find sanctuary in a new life with a new partner. Unfortunately it takes time to heal and to learn to identify the brokenness, and God has to grow you through your scars. The second wife was young, and perhaps too young to handle all the life that her unexpected pregnancy as a teen to a boy and later adulthood and parenthood at 18 had brought her. When she and Les met when she worked in a business at 19, she not only became his wife, but immediate step mother and mother of 3 children at 19. One who was only years younger than herself Can.you.imagine how hard on a 20 year old to be stepmom to a two young children AND your year old son, while working full time? After five years she left, too many differences, too much on a young girl's plate that she wasn't prepared for, she didn't want to do church, or God...for the life of the single partying girls looked so much more appealing, she wanted to be young and single, and without reservation, or very much warning, she chose to leave Les and the children. Because her child was not his biological child, from the day his ex wife left him, he was never allowed to see that child again. Five years of loving a baby and then without warning to never see him again. This is something that hurts his heart still. Attempts were made when we did marry some years later in 2002-2003 to reconnect at least for communication, but the mom involved preferred not. She had every legal right to do so...for Les was not her son's biological father. However as a mom and teacher, my heart breaks for the child who was literally torn from the only dad he knew without warning or choice. His mom, who is not the bad guy of this story, simply felt that she would one day get on with her life, and didn't want him torn three ways when and if a new step dad entered their lives. However this didn't stop the anger and upset that the child experienced when he was the one who sacrificed part of his support system...the only dad he knew. And it didn't stop the once again lesson for our stepchildren who learned that nothing is permanent and people do stop loving you and leave you. A difficult experience for any child to see parents choose to leave them.

Divorce is simply hard. God is a God of love, and in His attempts to keep us safe in that love, He has told us that we are to forgive, to live in peace, to end strife in our homes. When His commands are broken, the results in all the players lives are devestating. The pain can literally shape a family for generations! Our children are scarred from the pain of divorce. They have had to face harder lives and more complex family structures because their parents could not work together to stay married. It doesn't matter if one parent or the other acted out more publically in the divorce, the truth is each person is 100% responsible for their half of a marriage ending....for forgiveness and grace through God is available even for those who mess up, and yet we choose often to go our seperate ways.
We both led single lives and painful recoveries from divorce. I simply wasn't ever going to risk another marriage when my marriage to the children's father ended after a very difficult marriage and continual distance in our actual time together in one home. For the last five years of our marriage, we had lived most of the time seperately, and things had not been well since before Madison's birth. No one could have prepared me that God had a plan for another life for me. I certainly wouldn't have believed you if you had told me that God would send a man from Oklahoma through friends on the internet and he would become my husband. Our seventh anniversary will be June 14, 2009. God had another plan for both of our lives. Our experiences, hurts, and scars you see have become a new thing in Christ. Christ has restored our family, restored our wholeness and given us a Divine gift of restoration as he promised to the sons of Abraham if we would be obedient to his calls. We are in no way "there" but God has drawn us into a love affair with Him, He has restored our dreams of a life long love with each other, and he is healing our families. Would I have chosen the path that my life has taken in divorce, single parenting, and now remarriage? Absolutely not, but I would have had no other way than to allow God to use the pain, suffering, and shame that I brought on myself than to let the Potter squash what I had so clumsily made of my life, and see His hand upon our lives as grows our family into something beautiful. It is our deepest prayer that in coming here, others will find acceptance, assistance, and a shared path of walking out this step and blended family life, and through God's grace, grow closer to Him.

God is good! He is ever present in our daily lives!
Sweetie

Visitation: Making the Transitions

getsweetieberry@gmail.com (She's So There) — Mon, 16 Mar 2009 13:21:00 +0000

Every step or blended family has its own visitation issues. Whether your family has supervised visits, transfers to the other household, or shared custody, learning to deal with transitions is important.
Visitation is not just a time for your children to see their other parents, family, and extended networks, its a time of transition for them. They face changes in homes, rules, expectations and possessions. We used to call the time before and after the visits "toxic time" because the children when little would get overly excited and coming home they were usually over tired. The transition time for our children to return to the guys we knew and loved would vary from 3 hours to 2 days. Our children were always glad to get home, but had wonderful times with their dad and grandparents. Likewise, there were days they simply didn't want to go to one house or the other because something was happening at the other location, they love all of us and we try not to make our divorce continue to seperate them from their other parent(s) and extended families.
As much as possible, we try to allow our children to make it to things and events that are important to them with the other parent. When we lived in the same 100 mile area we invited all of our children's family to events that they participated in. Now that we are 400 miles away, we plan carefully the schedules and make sure big games like homecoming and playoffs are planned for well in advance. We listen and ask about dates in Arkansas that need to be planned for so our children aren't left out of family gatherings, whether or not its "their" weekend or time. The children's needs must rank over the legal paperwork when it comes to co parenting. Boundaries are there for the days we cannot agree, but we work very hard to continue to try to work together to co parent our children....and there have been many many hard days.
Whether the transition be polite or hostile, the children's needs must be handled. My ExH has gone through periods where he didn't see, hear, or speak to me personally when we met on the 1/2 point for weekend visitation. It made me furious sometimes (which was probably the point) but you see "I" am the only one who can make me furious...so its MY boundary that has to be considered, do I really need to allow his issues to be mine? Likewise, I've had weeks when I had to have someone with me to prevent a strife blow up when we met to exchange the children. Even other times we had to have 3rd party folks pick up the children and drop them off at the meeting location. The point is you never stop trying to create peace, you define boundaries when you have to legally if its unsafe for the children, but you keep trying and moving forward each time you can create a new level of peace among you! Children need all of us. Their other parents are 1/2 of them...and as far as safely possible, we need to let them have all of us.
The children need all of us, as much as we're able to allow it, allow your children emotional space to make transitions, plan a calm coming home time and careful meals so not to sugar them up when they are already tired and emotionally strung out from the weekend or visit. We like to make sure the children call to let the other parent know we arrived safely, its common courtsey...and we do travel to bring them home. Being close to their other parent doesn't take away your closeness to them....it just allows them to have their parents.

God is good....

ReMarriage Primer: Lesson One part 2

getsweetieberry@gmail.com (She's So There) — Mon, 16 Mar 2009 11:22:00 +0000

Remarriage Primer: Lesson One, part two

Remarriage generally means there's been a great sadness in your past and/or your spouse's past. A lost dream of happily ever after with someone you loved enough to marry or you married someone who lost their dream. The specifics of why you or your spouse's previous marriage ended, except in the case of death of a former spouse...and it is a different kind of wound, is not my business nor my point. There was something in you or your spouse's past that meant you were willing to formally and publically say "I Quit" to the vows you took promising to love that person for life.. (I'm not here to debate if you were allowed to divorce or not, the fact is you were, or married to someone who was, or you both lost a spouse....that's between you and God) Truth is, you were 100% responsible for your 1/2 of a marriage that failed, or you are married to someone who was. The other spouse may have even acted out in ways that made he/she publically the "bad" guy....but we all know that even when folks act out and make poor choices....well, it takes two to destroy a marriage. God asks us to love others as ourselves and to forgive 70 x 7 times....Moses said if we are betrayed by adultery we have permission to divorce...not are required to divorce....and in cases of infidelity...forgiveness is possible and many couples DO work through a past mistake. We all are responsible though for who we are in private as well as our public image....and I have yet to meet an individual who had nothing to do with their previous marriage dissolving....I have met many however, who truly did not want a marriage to dissolve but had little choice in the end result.
When Les and I married, I had been divorced, he had been divorced, no matter what was in our pasts we were still personally 100% responsible for our half of a marriage that failed. Truth was, I was the first and only person who had divorced permenantly in my entire extended family. Always the gifted one, I not only failed at marriage once, I had managed to do it twice...despite not believing in divorce, nor desiring to ever be involved in one.
...I teasingly said to my husband "Les, I've tried the "divorcee" life, I didn't like where it took me, or the experience of losing a marriage..and this time, if we do indeed get married I've decided we'll be happily married as long as you choose to live.....because I've decided I'd prefer the term widow than divorcee. It is your choice. And so began our life together in 2002.

What I am here to share, is that for a person to heal, to learn to thrive in the remarriage, the physician he or she must get an appointment with ....is God. The center of your new marriage must become transparent before God....and if you've begun without Him, no worries, you can stop right now and ask God to forgive you for thinking you can do your life without Him, and He'll love on you right where you are! There is nothing, nothing, you have in your heart or past, or even are facing this moment that God will stop loving you for. I can tell you first hand, in my day I have challenged the concept that God would love me no matter what, but He does. Hard to imagine isn't it...but it is SO true....ask Him to forgive what it is satan's got you convinced you're never going to be worthy of love again over. You're spending time beating yourself up for mistakes that are in the past...over....done....and the truth is in a remarriage, you don't have time not to deal with the past, you need forgiveness, healing, and restoration....Your present situation may get complex enough without the past weighing you down!

Now there are many human helpers along the path and God can use them all, but the essential ingredient in all healing that brings peace, forgiveness, dissolves shame, and restores the soul, body, and mind....is God. It certainly doesn't hurt though, to seek outside your personal perspectives from professionals who can help you with your boundaries, counselors, family coaches, ministry classes on remarriage. Many of the things you'll face in a remarriage are predictable...don't isolate yourself from those who can help you on your journey to happily ever after....you'll have enough situations that are uniquely your own to carry....allow the playing field to have some boundaries...and learn which paths work...There are good resources for remarriage and for success in stepfamilies. I strongly encourage you to pick up a few...learning the world you've just entered. Take a tour...read the experiences of others who share the goal of a healthy remarriage. Church groups who can help you realize you are facing things other families face by sharing and encouraging each other, and it helps greatly to seek professionals before, during and after, your remarriage, to help you recognize and heal your wounds so that you can go forward in your remarriage without baggage from your past weighing you down.

You did not enter into your remarriage with a bookie's odds for winning worth betting on.... in fact, most remarriages DO fail in the first three years....but you're not here to read about excusing yourself to quit are you.....nope, me either....we're in this to learn to create our own happily ever after....and so the journey begins. One day at a time....and if children are involved in your remarriage....did you know you get seven years credit for every year you survive?....because some days it is simply going to be a dog' s life the first few years! :) Our goal is to keep you out of the dog house and enjoying time on the porch of your happy home together....and to keep those pups cute and loveable...and part of your family.

Please return next Saturday and Sunday for more on the Remarriage Primer

meanwhile, back to our regularly scheduled posts this week!

ReMarriage Primer: Lesson Two

getsweetieberry@gmail.com (She's So There) — Sun, 15 Mar 2009 06:01:00 +0000

Les &Sweetie's Tales from the Trenches

Boot Camp for a HEALTHY Remarriage :

LESSON NUMBER TWO:

Couples should consistently and often be required to actually take time out as a couple, flying solo without children/stepchildren, even if it means locking themselves in the bathroom and turning on the shower while they kiss (each other) for 2 minutes in isolation..or parking at Sonic and sharing a cherry coke at the 1/2 price hours if that's what money allows...whatever it takes to step outside the target zone of stepmom and stepdad, and who is upset about what this week...as often as needed to remember WHY you got into this sometimes messy marriage and life! Hint: if the day has been really stressful, use movie to keep yourselves from continuing to talk about the problems and simply enjoy snuggling while watching a good movie. (hold spouse's hand and sneak a kiss regularly)

date-noun; time away intended to allow recoupling, stress relief, fun, and closeness of two people otherwise identified elsewhere as the stepmonsters, wicked stepmother or her husband...often the targets of minor children who do not find unity except in their alliance in joining together to take down the step and blended parents.(lol) Date night is not dependent upon possession of large amounts of time, money, nor equipment. Best planned regularly and often to overcome the stresses of daily life, work, homekeeping, and budgetary issues.

Warning: excessive postphonement of your marriage's need to have laughter and romance can lead to frustration, resentment, and emotional isolation.....and in extreme cases, seperation and divorce. Date nights/days/afternoons can simply be escapes arranged by secret postit notes detailing plans for a 5 minute meetup away from tormenting children, testosterone poisoned teenage boys, or tweens whose hormones have declared a civil war within her....If desperate for time, smooching in the car after dropping children at soccer, warning: steaming car windows will arouse the suspicions of your church league friends...and keep the rumor mills running. We're firm supporters of your local economy....keep the romance alive at home.

Rx for difficult days. Take time out together daily for quiet moments shared in embraces, silence, and with a healthy dose of closeness. Increase dosage as necessary to overcome the complexities of stepfamily life.

Rx for stressful stepfamily weeks...set aside at least one hour away from the children, ground rules are no child talk or heated discussions about children...simply an hour adoring the one you married (even if you wanted to pull his head off when you left for the date) Dates planned should not be canceled due to strife....satan works triply hard to make sure you get no stress relief....by all means, go out on the date....kill him with kindness if it takes faking it till you make it...but she who comes home happier wins!

Join us next Saturday night for Lesson Three of the Remarriage Primer!

God is good!

Sweetoe