Literally My Life

Wanna kill yourself ?

noreply@blogger.com (ftn) — Wed, 29 Nov 2017 12:12:00 +0000

The person who completes suicide, dies once. Those left behind die a thousand deaths, trying to relive those terrible moments and understand … Why?

Wanna kill yourself ?

Imagine this. You come home from school one day. You’ve had yet another horrible day. You’re just ready to give up. So you go to your room, close the door, and take out that suicide note you’ve written and rewritten over and over and over You take out those razor blades, and cut for the very last time. You grab that bottle of pills and take them all. Laying down, holding the letter to your chest, you close your eyes for the very last time. A few hours later, your little brother knocks on your door to come tell you dinners ready. You don’t answer, so he walks in. All he sees is you laying on your bed, so he thinks you’re asleep. He tells your mom this. Your mom goes to your room to wake you up. She notices something is odd. She grabs the paper in your hand and reads it. Sobbing, she tries to wake you up. She’s screaming your name. Your brother, so confused, runs to go tell Dad that “Mommy is crying and sissy won’t wake up.” Your dad runs to your room. He looks at your mom, crying, holding the letter to her chest, sitting next to your lifeless body. It hits him, what’s going on, and he screams. He screams and throws something at the wall. And then, falling to his knees, he starts to cry. Your mom crawls over to him, and they sit there, holding each other, crying. The next day at school, there’s an announcement. The principal tells everyone about your suicide. It takes a few seconds for it to sink in, and once it does, everyone goes silent. Everyone blames themselves. Your teachers think they were too hard on you. Those mean popular girls, they think of all the things they’ve said to you. That boy that used to tease you and call you names, he can’t help but hate himself for never telling you how beautiful you really are. Your ex boyfriend, the one that you told everything to, that broke up with you.. He can’t handle it. He breaks down and starts crying, and runs out of the school. Your friends? They’re sobbing too, wondering how they could never see that anything was wrong, wishing they could have helped you before it was too late. And your best friend? She’s in shock. She can’t believe it. She knew what you were going through, but she never thought it would get that bad… Bad enough for you to end it. She can’t cry, she can’t feel anything. She stands up, walks out of the classroom, and just sinks to the floor. Shaking, screaming, but no tears coming out. It’s a few days later, at your funeral. The whole town came. Everyone knew you, that girl with the bright smile and bubbly personality. The one that was always there for them, the shoulder to cry on. Lots of people talk about all the good memories they had with you, there were a lot. Everyone’s crying, your little brother still doesn’t know you killed yourself, he’s too young. Your parents just said you died. It hurts him, a lot. You were his big sister, you were supposed to always be there for him. Your best friend, she stays strong through the entire service, but as soon as they start lowering your casket into the ground, she just loses it. She cries and cries and doesn’t stop for days. It’s two years later. Your teachers all quit their job. Those mean girls have eating disorders now. That boy that used to tease you cuts himself. Your ex boyfriend doesn’t know how to love anymore and just sleeps around with girls. Your friends all go into depression. Your best friend? She tried to kill herself. She didn’t succeed like you did, but she tried…your brother? He finally found out the truth about your death. He self harms, he cries at night, he does exactly what you did for years leading up to your suicide. Your parents? Their marriage fell apart. Your dad became a workaholic to distract himself from your death. Your mom got diagnosed with depression and just lays in bed all day. People care. You may not think so, but they do. Your choices don’t just effect you. They effect everyone. Don’t end your life, you have so much to live for. Things can’t get better if you give up. I’m here for absolutely anyone that needs to talk, no matter who you are. Even if we’ve NEVER talked before, I’m here for you.💕

Why You Shouldn't Let Suicide Win

noreply@blogger.com (ftn) — Fri, 25 Aug 2017 17:00:00 +0000

Someone in this world needs you.

No one was expecting it to happen and no one ever thought that it would. That's the problem that we seem to face more often now. We tend not to think about something until it's too late. If you see someone and you get a bad feeling that they aren't doing okay, please check in on them. Better done than never. Don't wait until it's too late.

Suicide isn't selfish, for someone to feel so bad they want to kill themselves is not selfish. Some people are bullied, and others suffer from mental illness. Mental illness is an everyday battle, I suffer from it myself. This is something I've never truly shared but while I have never gone as far as to attempting suicide myself, I have suffered from suicidal thoughts. I've considered overdosing on Xanax. Even though you may not attempt suicide, having those thoughts in your mind are just as dangerous, and scary. But Please Don't Let Suicide Win !

If you are considering suicide, please take a few minutes to read this. You might feel helpless, you might feel depressed and you might feel worthless but you are not alone and it WILL be okay. As much as you think it won't, it really will be okay. Time heals pain. It might take you a month or it might take you a year but I can assure you that you are not alone and you will be okay.

If you commit suicide, you will leave everyone questioning what they could have done to prevent it. You will have people wondering if there was something they could have said or even a small action they could have taken to save your life. I think the worst part of it is that forever and ever people will wonder WHY?

WHY DID YOU FEEL SO SAD?

WHY DIDN’T YOU TELL ANYONE?

WHY DIDN’T YOU ASK FOR HELP?

WHY DID YOU FEEL LIKE THAT IS THE ANSWER?

Some people believe suicide takes the pain away, but in reality that pain goes to someone else; the parents whom just lost their precious child, the friend who lost their best friend forever now gone, and to everyone you ever meet, ever talked to, made memories with now those conversations and memories will fade and you will become a distant memory. We think we know about suicide, but we don't know enough. Anyone suffering from depression and/or contemplating suicide, You are not alone. Suicide doesn't take the pain away, it eliminates the possibility of it getting better. Suicide: It is REAL, it is DEADLY, and it NEEDS to be TALKED ABOUT.

Copycat suicides do occur under some circumstances. Persons affected are those already at significant risk for suicide, when one suicide can trigger another.
If you are considering suicide, please think it over again. You ARE loved, you are NOT alone, and it WILL be okay.
Suicide is never the answer. As much as you feel like you are all alone in this dark place there are so many people that love and care about you endlessly.

Overcome Obstacle Pushing People Away

noreply@blogger.com (ftn) — Thu, 24 Aug 2017 17:00:00 +0000

Everything you have ever wanted, is sitting on the other side of fear.

Overcoming the obstacle of pushing others away primarily has to do with building your own confidence and self-esteem. We push people away because we may fear that they will judge something about us. But, what if we didn’t think this way and were confident without these fears? What if we could say that we can instead of we can’t? It would result in the fear being non-existent. We would not push people away for this reason. The steps of building your confidence also come from the following.

Another way of overcoming the obstacle of pushing others away and building your own confidence is to come to terms with past traumas and fears causing current behavior. When you have been through traumatic experiences and constant rejection, your mind becomes conditioned to think that others are out to do you harm. However, this is simply what your mind wants you to believe based on past experiences. The past does not have to define you unless you let it. By tackling the issue from the origin, you will be able to rationally think about current and future relationships that are completely unrelated to past ones.

Understand that learning experiences form connections. What this means is, that by learning from past experiences, you can make better connections in the future. Just like the trauma example, if you have yet to overcome the trauma, people will come into your life that will make it seem like you are reliving it all over again. If, however, you learn from these past mistakes and problems you have had, you will be able to form connections, little by little, that are closer and closer to your ideal connection with someone.

Don’t confuse rejection with failure. You are not a failure if someone rejects you.

Why We Push People Away

noreply@blogger.com (ftn) — Wed, 23 Aug 2017 17:00:00 +0000

Sometime we push people away just to protect them

There are a variety of reasons we push people away. One is being fear. Fear of being hurt, rejected, or of something new we’ve never had. Being close to someone, makes us emotionally invested in the individual. We begin to focus our time and energy on this person. It would hurt us if they did something to go against our wishes, deceived us, or even if something were to happen to them. So, we may want to avoid the pain than to actual experience the joy and growth the relationship could offer. We end it before it begins so we could avoid any possible pain.

The fear of rejection ties into this as well since we may have been rejected so many times in our lives that it’s affected us so bad. We may even try to keep someone in our lives by clinging onto them or doing anything for them to keep them from leaving our lives, because of fear. And even the fear of the unknown, and meeting new people can scare us since we never know what may happen.

Another reason we may push others away is because we think we don’t deserve it. Again, going back to childhood, perhaps we were raised in a manner or have experienced certain traumas that made us feel unworthy and unloved, making us feel undeserving of friendships and love. While we may think we don’t deserve these types of connections, it’s often due to fears of not being good enough and insecure with ourselves that cause this

Emotional problem is another reason we may push others away. Depression and wanting isolation may make us feel worthless and want to keep our distance from others and only be with ourselves and our own thoughts. We may then push others away, or it may appear as such to other people because we neglect them and isolate ourselves from them.

And another reason begin that it’s not the right time. Essentially what this means is that it may not be the right time in your life to meet a particular person, or it could seem like too much. Let’s say a person comes into our lives that is perfect, like a perfect ideal romantic relationship for us. But, it is a bit too much for us right now. Meaning that they are just too good for us at this given time, since we may feel like we have a lot of work to do on ourselves first.

Sometimes we push people away, when we need them the most

To The Young Person Struggling With Depression

noreply@blogger.com (ftn) — Tue, 22 Aug 2017 17:00:00 +0000

Happiness is the only thing worth fighting for in your life.

First of all, I want you to know that I'm sorry. I'm sorry that you are experiencing the pain and torture of this horrifying mental illness. I know that there are nights that you don't sleep because you are up all night crying, and you roll out of bed in the morning and put a fake smile on your face. There is so much you need to hear, and I know that it may not help. You have probably heard it all before, but it is important for you to know.

Your mental illness does not define you. There is so much more to who you are than your struggle with depression. The social stigma on mental illness may lead others who don't know you personally to stereotype the type of person that you are. Little do those people know, your struggle with depression does not mean that you are weak and always sad. Your struggle with depression shows how strong you really are. You have been strong for so long that you can no longer handle it. You can be the happiest person in the world and still struggle with this illness. Do not let your illness define you, keep shining. You are unique and precious.

Your life has value. You matter. Regardless of what you have been told in your lifetime, your life truly does mean something. There are times when you may not feel like it, but the second that you give in to that thought you make yourself vulnerable. Believe me, I know that it's easier said than done to brush it off when someone says or implies that your life is worthless, but it is not true. Life is a gift that allows you the opportunity to become more, don't take that for granted.

So many people care about you, even if you think they don't. You are not alone. Family, friends, acquaintances and classmates all care. Of course you will run into a few selfish people here and there who only care for themselves, but the majority of people care. They want you to be happy and they want you to succeed and win your battle with depression.

You are loved. Somebody on this earth loves you. Your family would not be the same without you and neither would your friends. People care for you deeply, and their hearts would shatter if anything bad were to happen to you.

People will miss you. You have impacted the lives of so many--every person you have ever met in some way or form has been impacted by your existence. You will be missed; there is no doubt about it.

There is so much more to life than the struggles you are facing. You're going to get older and you're going to achieve so much in life. You'll leave high school and begin a whole new chapter--a chapter where you get to choose what to do with your life. You don't have to follow a set plan. The world is yours.

Things will get better. The beautiful thing about life's hardships is that good things always come after. Like the saying goes, "April showers bring May flowers," you must have dreary days before beautiful flowers can bloom. You are stuck in April right now, and I promise that you will get to May and experience a beautiful part of life.

God loves you. You are fearfully and wonderfully made.

If you need help, please don't hesitate to ask for it. There is so much that can be done to try to kick your depression to the curb. All it takes is for you to talk to someone.

I've been where you've been. I know that all of this is easier said than done. I know that it's hard for you to understand. The chemicals in your brain tell you to ignore all of this, but I've been where you have been. Things will get better.

Keep fighting.

Meaningful Ways To End The Stigma

noreply@blogger.com (ftn) — Mon, 21 Aug 2017 17:00:00 +0000

You do not know how much you have helped me.

1. Educate yourself

Chances are you know someone who suffers from a mental illness. Whether it be a family member, a friend, a peer, teammate, a friend of a friend or even yourself, most of us know someone who is living with a mental illness. Education is arguably one of the most important things we can do for those who struggle with a mental illness. By learning about the specific illnesses people face, you may be able to understand more of what it is people go through on a day-to-day basis. Understanding different mental health conditions can allow you to better support the people you know who are facing these battles.

2. Be aware of your attitudes and behavior

We’ve all grown up with prejudices and judgmental thinking. But we can change the way we think! See people as unique human beings, not as labels or stereotypes. See the person beyond their mental illness; they have many other personal attributes that do not disappear just because they also have a mental illness.

3. Be an advocate

We have to have start the conversation about mental health. It takes vulnerability and courage to have these difficult conversations, but talking about mental illness is the only way to end the stigma. Sometimes, this might mean opening up and sharing about yourself. It can also mean creating a safe place for someone to come and share their story. When we come together and have these conversations-when we invest in the stories of other people-it gives us the power to make a difference in the lives of others. You can encourage others to lead by example through the use of person first language, and correcting those who do not speak correctly about mental illness.

4. Support people

You do not have to have a mental illness to support those who do! Everyone can help raise awareness about mental health. Treat people who have mental health problems with dignity and respect. Think about how you’d like others to act toward you if you were in the same situation. If you have family members, friends or co-workers with substance use or mental health problems, support their choices and encourage their efforts to get well. It helps others know that they are loved, supported and not alone.

5.Practice empathy and compassion

Kindness is the most powerful, least costly, and most underrated agent of human transformation. It is simple and even cliché but cannot be said enough: be kind to one another. We are all facing our own demons, challenges and struggles. We are all fighting battles in which others may know nothing about. Be the reason someone smiles today, hold the door for someone and help others when you can. Give people the benefit of the doubt and practice forgiveness. All we want in life is to love and be loved. Each and every day, we get the opportunity to decide what kind of impact we will have on the lives and world around us—make it a good one. Sometimes, a selfless gesture or a moment of reassurance, even something as simple as a smile can be enough to save someone.

6. Listen

If you have been deemed trustworthy and safe by someone who is struggling, embrace it. It is not always easy to let others in. Sharing some of our deepest and darkest secrets with others is not easy. That being said, it is not always easy to take on all of that. It is okay to not know what to say or what to do. Listen; be present, and offer hope. You don't have to understand what they're going through, or know the perfect things to say or know exactly what to do. But you can listen. You can whisper words of hope and encouragement when they are drowning in the screams of darkness. You can take them for a drive, eat ice cream, be a shoulder to cry on, or just sit with them. It may not feel as though you are helping, but believe me, you are just by physically being there.

7. Educate others

Find opportunities to pass on facts and positive attitudes about people with mental health problems. If your friends, family, co-workers or even the media present information that is not true, challenge their myths and stereotypes. Let them know how their negative words and incorrect descriptions affect people with mental health problems by keeping alive the false ideas.

8. Share your story

If you or someone you know is living with a mental illness, encourage them to share their story. It took me years to find my voice, but I am so happy that I did. We are all just living stories that want to be heard, understood and validated. I decided to share my story because everyone deserves to know that their story is important, and their voice will be heard; there are people who will listen. People can read my story and know that they are not alone. You too can share your story. Everybody has different experiences, different perspectives, all of which add value to the lives of others. When you share your story, you let others know that it is okay to tell theirs.

End The Stigma Surrounding Mental Illness

noreply@blogger.com (ftn) — Sun, 20 Aug 2017 17:00:00 +0000

All it takes is a beautiful fake smile to hide an injured soul

If someone is "sick" in the traditional sense, the person doesn’t hesitate to treat their disease. Why do people think differently when it comes to mental illnesses? Mental illnesses are diseases that affect our brain, which is one of the most vital organs in our body. In most cases, people are afraid to seek treatment because they'll be judged by others. It is sad, but that is just the type of society we are part of. That shouldn’t be the case because it only creates more problems than it solves. There are also self-stigmas, however, such as thinking less of yourself because of your mental health.

Because of this public perception, it seems a mental health "stigma" has run rampant amidst our society. People suffering from common mental health illnesses such as depression, anxiety, OCD, and bipolar disorder are put in a position of shame because of their supposed mental "shortcomings." Those who seek treatment and medication often keep their condition a well-guarded secret, while the remaining number of afflicted people will never seek help because of embarrassment and fear of judgment.

I'm here to tell you we need to make a change.

When I tell people that I have suffered from major depressive disorder for the majority of my life, they're shocked. The truth is, depression has no profile. It has no specific target. It can happen to absolutely anyone. At the beginning of my mental health treatment, I was slightly ashamed of myself. Most days getting out of bed was nearly impossible, and going outside and joining society was out of the question. I was inexplicably sad, all of the time, and covered in a shroud of self-pity and internalized hatred. Why was I unable to be like "normal" people? I found my footing and regained the confidence and tools to start living my life.

The thought of people, just like me, suffering in silence for fear of criticism is heartbreaking. Not only is it saddening, it's destructive. Each year, thousands of Americans die from untreated mental illnesses, the majority of these deaths being suicides. It is our jobs as humans, to support those who suffer from mental afflictions. There should be no shame associated with suffering from anxiety or depression, as it is quite simply out of our control.

Let's change the dialogue. Let's uplift others instead of casting them into the dark. If you suffer from a mental health related issue - you are not alone. You are not less beautiful, less intelligent, or less of a person. You are strong, capable and worthy of love.

Stigma Of Depression

noreply@blogger.com (ftn) — Sat, 19 Aug 2017 17:00:00 +0000

I wanted to talk about it. Damn it. I wanted to scream. I wanted to yell. I wanted to shout about it. But all I could was whisper “I’m fine.”

Stigma is calling someone with mental illness "crazy" because they have a mental illness.

The stigma of mental illness scares us into thinking there is something terribly wrong. It feels so embarrassing to tell someone that maybe "I don't feel okay." As humans, psychologically speaking, we like to go with the crowd because being an outsider usually leads to neglect and being alone is frightening. No one wants to feel like they are burdening or stressing out their loved ones. That fear you have of speaking out is the influence of the stigma that has imprinted in our nation.

Stigma is the fear of telling someone you are going to the psychiatrist because you do not want them to see you as unstable or dangerous, even though individuals with mental illness are more likely to be victims of assault than the perpetrators of it. Yet stigma relies on ignorance, so it persists even though facts indicate the opposite to be true.

This matters because there are citizens much less likely to receive mental health treatment because of stigma, a problem that is most prevalent among multicultural groups. Not only this, but there is also a huge problem with homelessness, drug addiction, and suicide among those with mental illnesses.

If there was a purely physical illness that caused homelessness at the rate that mental illness does, there would be so much outrage. But, to most, mental illness is considered to be the fault of the sufferer. This is a view of which, by the way, is unsubstantiated by science.

That is stigma. It is very much alive.

Now, to combat it, there is but one option, and that is to freely discuss it as though there was no shame attached to it. The only way to truly combat stigma is to realize that there are limitations to its power. Because stigma relies on misinformation, once we talk about it and dispel the myths about mental illness, only then are we free from it.

Do not doubt the presence of stigma. It has always been there, whether it is explicit or not.

We should not be afraid to talk about mental illness. It is necessary for us-as a collective and as a society--to move past the pervasive and engrained beliefs about mental illness so that we can help those who suffer from it. It is not easy. But it is certainly worth it.

If You're Thinking About Suicide, Don't

noreply@blogger.com (ftn) — Fri, 18 Aug 2017 17:00:00 +0000

Suicide does not mean there was no killer.

This is a story about what we call suicide. I do not own this story. But this story change my suicide thought.

There’s a girl named Bella(Nabilla Natansya). She is a beautiful girl with brown hair and no sign of piercing nor tattoo. Her style is highcut converse pair with season jeans. Bella is close with me since she does not have many friends or maybe I’m the only option that she has.She have a boyfriend, Farhan. I know him but he’s not a friend, just acquaintances. We just bump into each other a few times.

27 July, Bella call me around 21:30 to meet up at TC until 03:00. There are a lot of humans so does apes. She tell me that Farhan want a break up. Bella burst into tears. She asked me, has she done something wrong. I just kept silent. I just rub her back with my palms. Bella cried. Bella show Farhan last text, Via Whatsapp; "We can’t be together . I’m sorry Nantansya. We can’t. That’s all. Several time Bella call and text Farhan, but unreachable. Maybe Farhan off his phone.

You know what's even worse? 29 July is the date 4th anniversary. Bella really fucked up. Repeatedly, Bella asked what has went wrong. Suddenly, she ask to have some good times. I’m on because my house is empty. So I can provide place to stay.
Actually, Bella has stop taking drugs. But that day is a cheat day, she said. Just one shot. She’s really high. NO, I deceive she takes a few dose. And she starts talking random about everything. She asked me, what I wanna be when finished study. "I want be Fazira" I say. But I don't take those stuff. I right determined to stop. I want to came up clean. After all its not me that is broken hearted, so why should I take it. I've got other plans. I've survived for a week.28 July, I woke up right around 1400. Bella was still asleep. I wake her up. But she's still asleep. I took a bath and go to nearby stall. I bought two pack of steamed rice. I head back home. I arrived home and she’s still sleeping. I wake her up and ask her to take her bath. When she’s done, we had our lunch. Best moment ever, even just having a stall food. Moment that I’ll never forget. "I want to commit suicide "-Bella, while laughing "Make it fast"-I said. I thought Bella was just joking. Bella left my house around 19:00. After she play some songs using my kapok guitar. No woman no cry.

29 July, 0100 Farhan call me. Asking for Bella location. I say, I don’t know. Farhan sound so desperate that night. Farhan said he’s in front of Bella house. But seems like Bella is not there, It has been hour now. He’s waiting outside of Bella’s house . Her phone is off but her car is there. Farhan explain, their broke up is just an anniversary prank. Fuck! I can’t help myself to just laugh. Indeed, that’s what I do all the time. Then, I drove to Bella’s house. I saw Farhan standing with a medium size Teddy Bear and 3 blue balloon.

I still remember Farhan fear face. I went to search for Bella from TC up to Gambang. Farhan wait at Bella house if she came back home. I call all of Bella friends actually just 4. That was all. I reached Bella sister, via INSTAGRAM DM, if Bella had return to her family house in JB. So I decided to return to my house and get some sleep. That morning I received DM from Bella sister, She gave me her phone number and ask me to give a call. Then, I call her ... "Along is dead. She suffocate "-Bella sister . Bella is dead, drowned at Gambang, Waterfall Picnic. Police found Bella’s bag, there's a Diary and a bottle. I went the hospital and watch Bella corpse. What can I describe; it is not an ordinary human being body. It’s Pale and Bloated.

Police investigate her Diary, She wrote a quote; " Suicide is not the end. It is a start to a chain reaction -K9" Something that I told her, long time ago. Police also found few verse in the diary that Bella wanted to commit suicide. In addition, there’s Dr. Asyikin contact number. In the diary, Bella did not write the reason why she wanted to kill herself. So, the police take statement from Dr Asyikin. She is Bella caunselor.

Dr Asyikin point fingers fully towards Bella’s father. Bella have depression. She was sexually abused by her own father. The abuse stop when Bella reach 16. But, she is still traumatized. She just share that story with Dr Asyikin. Dr Asyikin doesn’t lodge a report because the abuse has stop. Dr just helps in terms of spiritual. Bella’s father was arrested for 15 years and 12 strokes if I’m not mistaken. In the prison food chain, Bella’s father is at the bottom. That's the rule.Farhan felt guilt. He call me and apologize. He cried, just the same liked Bella cried when she lost Farhan. Bella’s mom began to be depressed. She lost her husband and her eldest daughter simultaneously. She feel guilty and useless because Bella being abused in her house without her knowing. After two month, Bella’s mom commit suicide. Followed by Farhan, two weeks after Bella’s mom.

October, I was in my deep thought and flash back things that happen. Bella told me once about Dr Asyikin. She is Bella ex lecturer. I meet her once when I pick up Bella from her office. Question, Why waterfall Picnic? So much effort needed. Far to get into it. Life. I understand more about life. I understand more about suicide.

Suicide bomber. In fact, Bella does not kill herself only. Bella killed Farhan. Bella killed her mom. Same as suicide bomber, in a certain radius, people surround will be deadth. The closer someone to the subject, the more horrible the dead body is. Which is far from the subject, might suffer impaired for life. Traumatized, depressed. Bella’s sister among those who hit by the bomb debris. Flawed, there are no family touch again. Dr Asyikin, feel guilty for not reporting the matter. Defective, living in regret. Me, flawed, missing liver functions. Takotsubo. Where hearts are narrowing because of electrical impulse too strong in the heart. My heart is pouring. Bella is killer.

I heard a lot of people is depress now. Suicidal. One thing I’m asking from you, when you thought of suicide, look people surround you. They are concern about you. Imagine you’re the suicide bomber, you are in a crowd of people that loves you and care for you. THEN, BOOM. YOU PULL THE TRIGGER.

Your death is a beginning to others suffer.
Death is never the end.

What Does Depression Look Like

noreply@blogger.com (ftn) — Thu, 17 Aug 2017 17:00:00 +0000

Depression is living in a body that fights to survive, with a mind that tries to die.

There is a pretty common misconception that exists in today's society: Mental illness isn't real unless it has a visible effect on your life. When I get physically sick, like a cold or the flu, people say to me “go home, you look sick.” It’s written all over my face, with my skin pale and my sinuses swollen, its apparent to anyone who sees me that something is wrong. But depression usually doesn’t work this way. Most of the symptoms are not visible to the outside world. My non visible depression symptoms are literally in a constant loop of tears at the verge of falling, my body aching, my mind running a million miles an hour and hurt worse than any cold or flu symptoms. But I don’t get a go home sick pass when these debilitating symptoms arise on the daily.

The worst part of depression isn’t how you feel. It’s not the emptiness, the sadness, the numbness. It’s the loneliness. And it’s not lonely because you’re alone. It’s lonely because no one understands. No matter how much you try to explain to someone how you feel, no matter how much they think they “get it”, they don’t. They’ll get frustrated. They’ll ask why you never want to get out of the house. Why you’re never happy.

It doesn’t work like that. Yes, this is coming from me–the girl who has a seemingly “great life” in the eyes of society. You can have a house, kids, family, money, pets, hobbies, career, degree, etc. and still feel empty when you’ve been struck with depression. Nothing in this life can fill the void that depression creates. Nothing can make you happy. If something does happen to make you happy, it’s fleeting. The happiness is temporary, and the negative thoughts slowly but surely come surging back in. And they’re unstoppable.

Depression is smiling and laughing in social situations, not because you’re happy or because something’s funny, but to appease the people around you. To make them believe that you’re okay. Depression is convincing other people you’re okay when you can’t even convince yourself. Depression is so desperately wanting to enjoy life, but no matter how hard you try, you just can’t. Depression is eating everything in the fridge in two hours. Depression is feeling so sick to your stomach that you can’t eat for two days. Depression consumes your life. You can’t explain it, you can’t fix it, you can’t understand it, and you can’t get rid of it. Depression takes over your body, mind, and soul. And once depression takes over, it takes over everything, and leaves you with nothing.

Depression is like alternating between feeling stuck in the past and worrying about the future. People who are depressed feel as if everything is never right. People with depression wake up and are not able to get out of bed, every second of everyday becomes a battle to survive. They constantly want to sleep and rarely eat. They end up not being able to think straight, and it takes over their whole life. The person just dies on the inside and their passions go away. Even comforting words from their favorite people become meaningless. They cry a lot for no apparent reason, at nothing or something that is insignificant. Living becomes annoying and everything feels like a chore. The person ends up just wanting to rot away and hates every second of living. They end up feeling completely alone even if they have 20 people supporting them to get better. They make themselves believe that no one understands and that everyone just pretends to care. Gradually depression can destroy a person.

Every type of depression or anxiety disorder can be dangerous. You never know what someone goes through in their own heads. No matter the life they live nobody has the right to tell someone else that they are not depressed. Depression does not have a face and can victimize anybody. We need to do what we can to keep our friends and family save from falling into the trap o their own sadness. Talk to someone before deciding your life isn’t worth living. Always remember suicide is a permeant solution to a temporary problem

You left this world too soon

noreply@blogger.com (ftn) — Wed, 16 Aug 2017 17:02:00 +0000

You're less of a friend and more of a mirror that hides my weakness and highlights my strengths

There is so much I wish I could have said to you before you left, but I never got the chance to say any of it. You were taken from us so suddenly that nobody saw it coming. We had no time to brace ourselves before hearing of your passing, but I feel that even if we had known, the pain wouldn't be any less. I really don't think any warning could have eased the pain of losing you. You were so many things to so many different people, but to every one of them you were special in some way.

I have to say that I believe you left this world too soon. You were just too young. You had your whole life ahead of you. You left this world before we were able to have anymore good times together. Your funeral was one of the most emotionally draining things I have ever experienced in my life, as it was just too much for my heart to handle having to see you gone forever. It is still so hard for me to have to remind myself that you are gone. I am still expecting to see you every time I walk up the street or visit my school. It is just so tragic that you left this world so soon at such an early age. It breaks my heart to know that not only myself but everyone else who knew you hurts from losing you

Out of everyone who has left me in this long journey we call life, yours is the only one I can’t seem to handle. You’re the only one who ever latched onto my heart and my soul, and I knew for sure that you wouldn’t leave me, at least by your own choice. The pain is too real for most to even fathom. It isn’t fair that you had to go way before your time, but I guess that just wasn’t my decision to make. The only thing I have left to comfort me with the loss of losing you is my memories. The thoughts of when you were just a mere child, when you greeted me with that smile that could have brightened up even the darkest of days, and the times that you reminded me of how strong I was, even when I felt like I was nothing. These thoughts and memories sometimes trick me into thinking you’re still here, but that’s okay. These comforting lies are better than the hard truth of having to face that you’re no longer here with me. These memories, no matter how hard they are to bear sometimes, keep me going. Even in death, you are my motivator and my biggest fan. Every day, I remind myself of how proud you would be of me for overcoming all the things that had brought me down, and that’s enough to keep pushing me. There’s no words to describe how thankful I am to have had you in my life, even for the limited time we had together.

There is not a day I do not think of you. Songs remind me of you. Certain places bring back countless memories. Sometimes my memories of you make me cry. Sometimes they make me giggle thinking of the crazy things we would get into. I miss you, but I thank you for being part of my life. I thank you for making me smile at random moments, even though you are not physically there. You gave me so many great memories that I will always cherish. Just know that you are still alive, your legacy lives on and I will one day see you again.

Sometimes it feels like it was all a bad dream and you never left, like I'll turn a corner to see you standing there. I have these moments where I'll feel you with me. Whether it's from a song, a picture, or a smell, I'll be reminded of you and it'll feel like you are there. If I could have one wish in my life, then it would be to have you on this Earth forever, but that is because I am selfish, unlike you. I know that you are in a much better place, even though it kills me that you are no longer by my side

I look at your passing as a positive experience now. It has taught me a tremendous amount about life. I am extremely lucky to have had known you. I am so thankful for every second we spent together. I often play out scenarios in my head about the plans we made. One day, I will make those dreams of ours a reality. I miss you more than words can describe. I will never forget you.

wahii

My Mom Isn't My Best Friend

noreply@blogger.com (ftn) — Tue, 15 Aug 2017 16:56:00 +0000

As for my girl, I'll raise them to think they breathe fire

I remember how it was at the beginning. I know how hard it was for her, and how alone she felt. I watched everything happen, and though it no longer hurts to think about and talk about, I still hurt for her today. She never reflected her hurt on me like I have done so many times to her, but instead she taught me to be strong.

You could have disappeared on me. You could have changed yourself and your heart, but you taught me to be strong regardless of how you felt. Sometimes, your emotions got the best of you. It happens to everyone. But you were always real. You never let me feel foolish or stupid. You never lied unless it was to protect me. You just made me feel human.

My mother has never been nor will she ever be my friend. I say this with delegacy because many women by my age will either claim their relationship with there mothers has developed in such a way that they are now "friends."

My relationship is no where near that. For many years, my mother has taken on the responsibility of two parents: mother and father. Thus, there was never any running to dad if I wanted assistance in persuasion. I did not have that luxury. No always meant no. I could never tell my mother "everything" like most young teens.

My mom is very independent, never outspoken, and one of the strongest people I know. Sometimes these qualities make her a very intimidating and opinionated person. Growing up with such a strong role model helped me strive to be better, but this was also a challenge at times. Sometimes we fought about these qualities. Sometimes I didn’t appreciate her opinions about what I was wearing, who I was hanging out with. I often mistook her looking out for me as her being mean or critical. We often didn’t see eye to eye, and this caused a lot of tears and yelling over the years.

I'm hoping once I move out on my own our relationship will get better since we won't butt heads as often. If you have both of your parents in your life, be thankful. Some people only have one, and some people don't have either. So thank you mom. Thank you for teaching me how to be independent. Thank you for teaching me how to be strong.

Dear BIOLOGICAL father

noreply@blogger.com (ftn) — Mon, 14 Aug 2017 16:48:00 +0000

EMBRACE REALITY EVEN IF IT BURNS YOU

I don't know where you are or where you've been for the past 19 years but I am here to let you know that I do not care. I have grown into a young woman now and I did it without you. Growing up. However, I have never been so thankful for my grandmother and my mom who played not only their role but also the "dad" role. I have caught myself in the past wishing that you were around for certain moments but I am honestly so blessed that you chose mind-altering substances over me and that day when I was a baby you chose to turn your back on your family and walk out. Probably the best and most selfless decision you ever made. I had felt like I did something wrong. It wasn't me though, it was you!

I do not know you, I barely remember you, if it was not for the very few pictures I have of you I would not know what you even looked like. Therefore, I can not hate you. Do not confuse this, I do not love you either.You are strictly my biological father that some would call a "sperm-donor" because you have not earned the title "dad" or "parent". You are a stranger to me, and I have no feelings for you. You resemble a fictional character I once read in a book in elementary school, who you read about but have never visually seen. An imagination.

I forgive you for leaving, for never being there, for never hearing from you. I forgive you for not being there to teach me all the things that fathers teach their daughters. I'm sure you had your reasons no matter what they were and I understand that now. Don't get me wrong I still wish that I knew you, I still wish that I would hear from you but I know I can't force that, you have to want it. But I guess we want different things and that's okay. I hope you have a good life, I hope you are happy. I also hope that maybe one day you might want to get to know the person you brought into this world. Also know I'm not forgiving you because I think you deserve to be forgiven, I am forgiving you because I deserve to live my life without the emotional mess you left behind.

I'm good now. Don't even bother about me again. I'm cool with my life now. I prefer not knowing you. My past had been burried down with the pain. Just to let you know we're happy without you. And dont even think coming back, that might hurt my mom alot seeing you again. I swear you'll be sorry for the rest of your life. I'm not soft hearted as other girl out there. You made me this way. Btw thank you for making me stronger with all those pain .

Thank you for your poor decisions that made me into the strong woman I am today. Because of you, I realized that there’s going to be people who leave with no real explanation; and that’s okay.I’ll always be OK in the end. Thank you for teaching me that the ones who walk away are not the ones I should fight to keep. Thanks to you, I strive to be a better person. Sure, I might have some trust issues, since the one person who is suppose to always be by my side walked out. But, thanks to those trust issues, I am a more cautious person.