I worded the title of this blog to capture the attention of people who do believe their mistakes are failures, but in all honesty, I don’t believe mistakes are failures. And I’d like to explain to you my reasoning for that plus in a future blog give you some tips on coping with perceptions of failure. For now I just want to convince you that using the word failure, for any reason, is a mistake.

I think the key to changing ones perception of how to think about failure is to first look at the literal description:

Failure: The condition or fact of not achieving the desired end or ends.

Okay, well I can’t argue with that definition. If you set out to be a multi-millionaire and fall short of that, then by the literal definition, you have failed. But wait, doesn’t that just mean that failure is not achieving a goal? Well, wouldn’t the answer then be to set your expectations lower? By that tactic, you would never fail. If your idea of success is to wake up every morning and be alive, then everyday is a success. It means that success is technically in your control as you define the parameters of that success. It would be nice if it worked like that wouldn’t it? But certainly, lowering our expectations can be difficult when we are so convinced they should be of a certain standard.

When thinking about failure I don’t think human beings are literal about the definition of the word. I actually think failure has an extremely heavy emotional weighting. So like a good scientist I double checked my gut feeling on this by looking up a study of the affective value of certain words. I found that the valence, or ‘mood’ of the word failure trended towards the negative. To put it simply, it just means that we interpret the word ‘failure’ as ‘bad’. As for the arousal value of the word (or way it affects peoples sympathetic nervous system — the system involved with panic and anxiety), it was 2.81 standard deviations across a normal sample mean. For those non-statistic geeks. It just means in a large sample of words, the word ‘failure’ tends to affect us more than the other 99% of words. Amazing, huh?

So while it may be correct to call a mistake a failure, it certainly is not helpful to call a mistake a failure. Why?

When we label an ‘effort’ or an ‘attempt’ at something we find challenging a ‘failure’ it means we are burdening our already suffered loss of that potential success with more negative feelings. It’s like punishing a child for not being able to run faster than the other kids in the class when they haven’t even trained. Overall, it would make the child associate negative things with that task (running a race) and make the child think he deserves to be punished when he doesn’t do as well as others, which is a whole other problem which we won’t touch on here. For now, we’ll assume we are seeing our failure in a bubble that isn’t associated with others (as difficult as that is).

Things become worse when we internalize the word failure to describe ourselves.

‘I didn’t get an A on my math test, I’m a failure.’

Notice the problem there? In that case we’re not labeling the behavior (getting less than an A on our test) the failure, we’re labeling ourselves. When we begin to link our ‘efforts’ to our ‘self-concept’ (how we see ourselves), we begin to affect our self-esteem in a negative way. This is when things go wrong. At this point, when you begin to see yourself as the failure (not the amount of effort you put in, not the feelings of anxiety that scrambled your brain during the math test, not the fact you sometimes struggle with math) you labelled yourself, you, the person, as a failure.

Why is this bad?

When we begin to perceive ourselves as something bad. Something to be disliked, scorned or put-down, we begin to incorporate only certain things into our perception. Let me give you an example.

Story

Maria goes into work and discovers that she made a mistake on her monthly sales report. The report was passed up the chain of command and affected overall sales reports for that year. It was a mistake with a large impact. Maria has always been a good worker, responsible and conscientious about her work, so this was a shock to her.

Now, should she A: Conclude that she is a failure and she should begin to doubt her ability as a good worker?

Or B: Look at the evidence that she is usually a good worker, usually does everything right and that this isn’t a representative of herself, but a representative of just having a bad day?

Certainly, we should pick B. Why? Because that’s more indicative of the truth. It’s not true that she is a failure. It is true that she is usually a good worker (labeling the behavior rather than the self). See how that works?

If she labels herself as A: a failure that is bound to make more mistakes. She might get nervous about her work. Let’s look at a possible future if Maria decides that she is a failure, blames herself and begins to focus on the negative.
Maria now comes into work with fear and anticipation of further documents she creates. She begins to spend extra time on them certain she’s made a mistake somewhere and that she can’t possibly get it right. In her anxiety over her reports other parts of her work suffer and she falls behind. She begins to lose sleep causing her more anxiety and making her feel horrible at work the next few days. More mistakes occur and Maria becomes convinced that she is a failure and cannot do her job properly.

This is an exaggerated example, but see how she has spiraled negatively over one mistake? If she’d called it a mistake, something easy to fix, something she can improve on in the future, she might not have caused herself extra pain. Isn’t it more realistic and helpful for her to continue feeling positive about the future?

The other problem with worrying about failure is that anxiety over failure can lead to future mistakes through disintegration of self-confidence. When we doubt ourselves, we hesitate, overcompensate and become self-conscious. We begin to concentrate on every little error we make, we beat ourselves up over the mistakes instead of looking for our successes as well. If Maria was to write a 1000 word document and spell one word correctly. Isn’t she 999 words successful with 1 mistake? Isn’t the success (writing 999 words right) outweighing the mistake?

Well, yes, but sometimes that logic doesn’t work because our brains are hardwired to see the negative. As a blog writer. I sometimes hit submit too hastily. I have the traits of a perfectionist which I continue to manage, however, sometimes I can be a little harsh on myself if I find errors in a post that’s already gone live. How does it help me to beat myself up over spelling/grammar issues? It doesn’t. What helps is to fix it as soon as I notice it. Take more care in the future. And focus on a time when I’ll have honed my skills even further so that less errors are made. Now that’s helpful!

I read a psychology book on parenting in my second year of university. It said that human beings can equally weigh positive things against negative things as long as the positive things occur at a ratio of 80:20. That means that praise and positivity should be demonstrated four times more than the negative. If you are an employer at work, make sure you’re giving your employees four times as much positive feedback as negative to help them feel good about their work (Actually, if you are tactful you can turn any criticism into a positive feedback by re- framing. I will address this as well in a later post).

This is turning into a long post but I hope at this point I’ve convinced you that seeing our ‘falling shorts’ as ‘failures’ is unhelpful and that we should learn to call them mistakes. Mistakes are okay. Mistakes can be fixed and mistakes aren’t the end of the world.  Watch out for my next post on ways to manage a ‘failure’.

You know, I imagine that anyone reading this blog questions whether they love their life. If you love your life then why read a blog on reasons to love it, right? I mean you already have the answers.

I’m not talking about a lust for life. And by lust I mean getting caught up in short bursts of excitement and adrenaline. I’m not talking about the feeling of love that ebbs and flows (although, the feeling of love for your life will come as a result of what I’m about to say). I’m talking about the act of love (no, not lovemaking either, that would be a little odd). By the act of love I mean practical love. Practical love is the best way to approach your life. When you love your life, by love I mean demonstrate the behaviors of acting in love, your life will reward you. I promise.

You might ask, ‘well, what do you mean by practical love, how do I practically love my life?’ Simple. There are two parts, the first is the most important:

You take care of the source of your life. You. You love yourself. 

First things first, you need to figure out what motivates, inspires, drives and is healthy for you.

I’ll use personal examples:

I am inspired and challenged by the profound and intellectual considerations of others.
I am driven by an internal restlessness to leave a positive mark on the world.

I am motivated by a creative mind and a strong desire to be a better self than I was yesterday. This is healthy, but I also make sure I let my brain rest or I overdo things.

As for being healthy, over the years I’ve listened to my body. It doesn’t like simple carb diets, too much cheese and salty processed food. So I try to eat fish, vegetables, wholefoods. I love thai takout and don’t deny myself treats. I drink alcohol, but usually only the weekends and within the recommended daily amount. I exercise as often as I can. I practice compassion and put myself in situations to understand others suffering and develop a real empathy for them. I do this through selectively listening to buddhist talks — here’s a large database of free podcasts and to be clear, I don’t identify as buddhist.

I take these motivations, inspirations and drives and I act on them. I engage in open-minded conversation. I help clients achieve their personal goals and resolve inner and external conflicts. I exercise and eat healthy. I engage in creative pursuits that are internally fulfilling.

This is how I love my life. How do you want to live yours? My life is far from perfect… nor would I want it to be. If I set my sights on a perfect life that means there are many ways for it to not ‘measure up’. I don’t want to measure my life by how I feel, I want to measure it by how I act.

Second way to love your life: Live it!

I don’t mean be alive. I mean really live it. I think the best way to do this is experience. Experiencing our world through the senses is a way of developing positive perceptions of the world. Go into your backyard, take a leaf from a tree, break it open and smell it. Why? Because it’s new. What does it smell like? Have you smelled it before? But this is a simply experience. What about flying to, say, Vietnam and helping impoverished people? What could you experience from that? What would you learn?

But it’s not just experience that teaches you to love life. It’s what you take from those experiences.

1. You experience.  –> 2. You process that experience. –> 3. You derive meaning from experience.

Let’s talk about meaning. Because meaning is everything. We give everything in our world meaning by perceiving it. Without getting into too much philosophy I’ll simply say that meaning is where we derive the feeling of love.

Through practical love, trying new things, new foods, meeting new people, exploring new places, looking after ourselves and understanding ourselves and our world, we feel love for our life. Why? Because when we have positive meaning interpretations from our experiences, we feel a belonging and fulfillment. And love is a type of belonging, a type of fulfillment.

Before I summarise, I want to address those specifically who say they don’t have much time.

1. You have to make time.

Yes, you need to cut back on something. If you keep taking from yourself without giving back to yourself. You are not doing the first of the practical loving life activities… you are not loving yourself. It’s also quality over quantity. Going for a walk in a nearby park with your family is much better than watching four hours of television. This isn’t a judgement on values, this is about using time efficiently. Walking with your family means you get exercise (which is fantastic for your brain and body), you increase your sense of belonging by being with your family, you have experiences by interacting and seeing your family interacting with the world.

2. You have to Carpe Diem: Seize the day! No, not seize the carp fish.

This means that while you might not have the time to take that two hour yoga session, there are experiences everywhere around you. Be spontaneous. Act out of character in healthy ways. Look at the world through new eyes.

How to experience when you work a typical job 6 days a week?

Mix it up. Be spontaneous. Take the train/bus to work. Have a conversation with someone new. Walk home in the rain (providing it’s not too far). Instead of going home and relaxing on the couch. Relax somewhere else. Make plans for your weekends, follow those plans that challenge you and get you out of your comfort zone. It’s okay to have a comfort zone but make sure you leave it now and again. And make sure once a year you get very far away from it. Take a trip. Explore, live, love yourself and slowly that feeling of love for your life. That feeling that others seem to have, will come to you.

I hope this has given you a new perspective on looking at yourself and your life. If it’s just reiterating things you already knew, then please take your knowledge and show others how to better love their lives.

I don’t know about you but I’m an over-thinker. I like to think. I like to ponder.  I’m an intellectual, and intellectuals think the answer to every problem lies in how they think about that problem. As I’ve grown older,  a double-edged sword, I’ve realized this is not true. But even so, old habits are hard to break and when there’s a problem in my life sometimes I can’t stop my brain ruminating.This is usually because:

A) There is no immediate solution,

Or

B) For some reason I’m too ‘close’ (feeling too strongly, can’t think outside the box) and thus can’t get the perspective I need.

Mostly, I can learn to let go of the things I don’t have any immediate control over, but boy when I need to figure something out and I can’t, I turn into a frazzled mess. The problem is that overthinkers like me, or maybe you, keep using the same technique over and over until the technique no longer works. There’s a saying that repeating a behavior expecting different results is a sign of stupidity. Well, perhaps not stupidity, but I do think it is an indication you need to step back from the problem.

But what if you’re so upset, so emotional, you simply can’t step back. You need an answer right now. You sit there thinking and thinking, certain that if you only thought about it in the right way everything would fall into place. What do you do then?

It’s very simple, and I think you’ll find it enjoyable.

D-I-S-T-R-A-C-T-I-O-N

When I’m this determined to find a solution, I don’t find television effective, or playing games, or eating something tasty or surfing the net. When I’m so wrapped up in solving a problem I need physical distance. I know it sounds weird to try and get physical distance from your own mind. It’s impossible, right? Well, not exactly. Sometimes the environment we’re in is helping to sustain our ‘stuck-ness’.

What really helps is doing something that literally takes you away from your everyday life.

Personally, I like to drive with my music up loud, a loaf of bread in my passenger side seat to the nearest duck pond. Here in Australia, it’s just turned summer. There are ducklings and goslings everywhere near me and after singing my head off and feeding cute little animals (watching me coo and squeal over baby animals is a a sad sight I can tell you) I feel a lot better. It’s something really simple, but it always works.

No, it isn’t a solution, but neither is ruminating, worrying, and sending my body into a stressed mess. On my worst days, I can get so stressed that I wake up with sore muscles the next day. Now that’s tense! So I’ve learned to short-cut that by accepting the uncomfortableness of the stress I’m experiencing by forcing my mind away from the problem.

Give yourself permission to not have it figure out. Give yourself permission to step away from the problem. No, really, I mean it!

What if you don’t feel like getting away from the problem? What if it’s just too much hard work?

Well, I have an answer for that also. Often there are things we put off doing because they seem too hard, but they really aren’t. We make them hard in our minds. Sure if you’re physically limited by what you can do, perhaps sitting on your back lawn and looking at the clouds might help. It doesn’t matter what you have to do, find a way to stop the over-thinking.

I suggest mindfulness.

There might be some initial struggle, but once you get that momentum going, the struggle/stress/hardship is replaced by relief and peace. So it’s worth it.
So make yourself distract and detach for a while. Give yourself the space you need to get perspective and let those emotions calm down. You might be convinced your strong feelings and racing thoughts are a sign you’re not thinking about things the right way, but it’s actually a sign the thinking is the wrong tactic to use at that point in time.

There are some circumstances where a client should find a new therapist. And by therapist I mean a mental health therapist. I understand how difficult it is being a client in a new therapeutic relationship. There’s all that talking; bringing up the past, bringing up the present, talking about fears for the future. It’s hard. It’s tiring. And when you think you’ve shared it all… your therapist wants clarification. They ask you questions because in order to understand you properly, in order to tailor a treatment approach to you specifically, they need to know you as an individual. Each person has strengths, weaknesses, and quirks. And your therapist should be very sensitive to those.

Every therapeutic relationship is different. Some clients like a direct, confronting approach; others prefer a casual talk-therapy approach. It all depends on the client. But some therapists make outright mistakes in sessions. Sometimes they’re aware of it, sometimes they’re not. Mostly, therapists stick to their ethical guidelines, seek supervision in difficult cases and keep up-to-date with industry standards. This is a good thing. Regardless, each therapist has their own approach to providing therapy and for you, the client, sometimes you need to make a decision about what kind of therapy or therapist, is right for you.

So to avoid investing all that time into the wrong therapist. Here are some warning signs your therapist is not a good fit for you. Some of these are fun, and I hope you’ll take them as such:

1. Something about your therapist annoys you or distracts you so much that you can’t focus on therapy.

Maybe your therapist has a body piercing, a speech impediment, an accent, dresses too casually, or laughs too loud. Maybe they disclosed to you that they love Lady Gaga’s music and that disturbs you and keeps you up at night. Maybe you’ve developed a crush on them and you can’t stop thinking about them in inappropriate ways; this is not a joke, if this happens you need to tell your therapist immediately. Whatever it is, if your therapist is wearing or doing something that distracts you from therapy, you might need to reconsider your choice. A part of therapy involves personality fit between therapist and client, you might not find a perfect therapist for you, but you can at least get close. If it’s something your therapist can change, like their hot pink hair color, please ask them to change it.

2. Your therapist doesn’t make eye contact with you.

If your therapist doesn’t look at you or hold your eye contact from the first session (except for if you’ve specifically elected for psychodynamic theory laying down) then they probably aren’t professional. Honestly, I wouldn’t see them again. All therapists need basic listening skills. They should have good body language, good eye contact, & use encouragers such as ‘okay’, ‘right’ ‘uhum’. They reflect back to you using paraphrases and summaries. Very basic stuff. If your therapist doesn’t do these things, it might be time to find a new one.

3. Your therapist laughs and jokes inappropriately.

If your therapist laughs at you or makes a joke, and you don’t find it funny, then tell them. ‘I feel hurt when you laugh at me or make jokes about me.’ If they apologize and recognize their mistake, forgive them, let it go. Sometimes therapists get relaxed in their client/counselor relationships, sometimes they’re a little sleep deprived, and in an effort to increase rapport they may overstep the line. This is a sign that the therapist is able to be themselves around you, and that they see your relationship as having a good level of trust. But, if your therapist makes a mistake and offends you, then that mistake should never happen again and the therapist should try to correct the error. If the therapist doesn’t seem to care, it might be time to move onto someone else.

4. Your therapist looks at the time. A lot!

It’s your therapist’s job to keep track of their time schedule. It’s okay if a therapist checks the time once or twice in a session; they need to. But if they’re checking their watch every five minutes, you might want to bring it up. Sometimes, people do things without realizing it. And it might be that your therapist has some emergency happening, or that they’re late for something and it’s distracting them. Regardless, as a client it isn’t your job to manage your therapist’s behavior. Let your therapist know that their time-checking is annoying you and ask them to stop. If it ever happens again, I suggest finding someone else to be your counselor.

5. Your therapist doesn’t agree to see you if your finances change.

Sometimes, in therapy, a client is going through a difficult time. And on occasion this difficult time results in a loss of finance. Now, sometimes therapy is expensive, but if you have been seeing your therapist for three or four sessions and then suddenly find yourself unemployed and without an income, your therapist should continue to see you. If they say that they require payment to continue and refuse to see you, then it’s time to move on. Your therapist needs to make some sort of agreement with you. Perhaps you can delay payment until you’ve found a new job, or see your therapist at a reduced fee. I don’t necessarily think it’s right for clients to have free therapy. I think when clients invest money in sessions they perceive their sessions as having more value. But a therapist should certainly support you through a rough financial spot. After all, that’s their job. If they’re unwilling, find someone else.

6. Your therapist doesn’t ask you to set goals or work towards goals.

The only way we know therapy has worked is by something changing. And we go to therapy because we want something to change. If your therapist doesn’t identify goals to work towards, how will you know when therapy has worked? Or has finished? If you set the goal of ‘I want to manage my stress better’, you have something specific to aim for.

Most clients have about 3 – 10 goals on their lists. These goals should be set at the very beginning of therapy. At least within the first 1 – 2 sessions. And these goals should be revisited, often. There should also be sub-goals that you are working towards each week to achieve the larger goals. For example, if your goal is to cut back on stress levels. A sub-goal might be “Do 30 minutes of exercise a day”. Goals are important. If your therapist isn’t encouraging you to set any, then it might be time to find someone else.

7. There’s no positive encouragement whatsoever.

If your therapist isn’t encouraging you and doesn’t verbalize how well you’ve done in achieving your therapy goals and homework. Then find someone else. You worked hard, you are showing up to therapy, you’re opening yourself up and being honest about all the things you’re struggling with. Your therapist should praise you for that because it’s worth praising. What an amazing thing it is that you have the courage to visit a stranger, tell them the truth about who you are and then work towards improving yourself. Well done! If your therapist can’t share in that, or show you how wonderful that is. Then give them the boot.

8. Your therapist makes you uncomfortable.

Now, we need to be careful here. There’s a difference between a therapist being the source of your discomfort, or therapy itself being the source. If you find your therapist creepy, unrelateable, too stoic or too expressive that you don’t like sessions. Then you might need to find someone else. If therapy itself is making you uncomfortable, that might just be you adjusting to the process, which can be confronting. The therapists jobs is to join with you, and you need to let them know if you don’t feel ‘joined with’. If the therapist doesn’t work to change this, or you keep putting in effort to relate to your therapist,  but it doesn’t work, then tell your therapist and ask them to refer you to someone else.

9. Your details are disclosed without your knowledge.

This isn’t just a personality fit. This is a legal and ethical issue. If your therapist discloses your personal information without your written consent, to anyone (without being subpoenaed by a court of law and without suspicion of self-harm or child abuse) then you should find someone else, immediately. You might even want to report them.

10. Your therapist tells you what to believe.

I’m a pretty independent thinker. I know my morals and beliefs. So I’d be able to tell instantly if a therapist was using their own personal agenda with me. But not everyone can pick up on this. In therapy a therapist is the expert. They are guiding their clients towards healthy thinking, and we want to trust them. Your therapist should not tell you what morals to abide by. If you are having an affair and you’ve lied about it to your partner/spouse it is not your therapists place to tell you that’s wrong. If you believe in god, or have religious beliefs, your therapist should not tell you your religious beliefs are wrong, either. If you lied to your mother/neighbor/local police officer, it is not your therapists place to tell you that your behavior is immoral. They may, however, ask you how you intend to develop trusting healthy relationships with other people, if you yourself aren’t acting trustworthy. But they should never cast judgement on your behavior. If your therapist does this, then find someone else.

If you ever have any problem with your therapist. If you do not like something they said or did. Please tell them. Try to correct the issue first. If it continues, then please move on and invest your time with someone who you feel really cares and listens to you and wants you to achieve your therapeutic goals.

Happy therapist hunting.

Therapists aren’t allowed to have favorite clients. Nope. All therapists must remain objective and give the same basic types of attitudes to every single client, such as:

• Unconditional Positive Regard
• Empathic Listening
• Warmth
• Compassion
• Genuineness

In fact if your goal is to impress your therapist, you might want to rethink why you’re in therapy in the first place. Therapists have flaws, and are just as human as the rest of the population…unless you’re an academic psychologist, those guys are just weird. I’m joking.

So, here are three things that impress me as a counselor. And I’m sure they’d impress other therapists too. Now, before I give you this list, I want to make sure that you know that I accept that all my clients have strengths and weaknesses. I accept that they have good days and bad days. I accept that it takes time, dedication and patience for a client to learn and develop new skills and new ways of thinking. It’s a process, and that process is delicate. But despite those facts, there are still things clients can do to help the therapeutic process.

Here’s my list:

1. Show Up To Therapy

It’s a no brainer, right? Well, I’d like to think it is. And most of my clients are fairly good in this department. But I’ve had my share of clients who don’t show up to therapy. And from talking to other therapists, it’s a common part of the profession. Therapy is scary. It’s hard to feel like going to therapy. It’s hard to be excited about it. It’s similar to exercise. Or going to the dentist. Unless you’re one of those fitness fanatics, or people who like pain, the idea of running for half an hour might seem daunting. The idea of having needles and drills put into your mouth might be off putting. Might be? Okay, definitely!

I understand that showing up to therapy can take a backseat to almost anything in light of the discomfort it can cause while it’s in progress. But just like exercise, the benefits are usually delayed (being fit, looking toned). The dentist, the benefits are avoiding rotting teeth and painful extractions.

So try and show up. Even if you don’t think you’ll give it 100%, just going is a huge accomplishment, it’s one of the hardest accomplishments of therapy and without actually showing up, therapy can’t help you.

2. Do Your Homework

Doing homework is like taking medicine. If you get a prescription for homework, you do it. You’ll need that completed homework to fight what’s causing you problems. I’m a big believer in assigning homework to clients. Clients lives don’t take place in the therapy room.  They take place at work, or at home, or at the pub, or at their hobby groups, or on their cell phones. And in those scenarios, clients need to take what they’ve learned in therapy and apply it to the real world. The therapy room is a simulation of the real world, but it is a special simulation formulated to increase realistic thinking, reward positive behavior, develop healthy social interaction and communicate in an optimal manner.

When a therapist gives you mindful meditation to do once a day. By golly, do it. The benefits of mindfulness are numerous. Here’s a link.  If your therapist asks you to follow your thinking patterns and behaviors. Do it. You cannot change your thoughts unless you know what they are, what triggers them and how you react. If your therapist tells you to come up with strengths, pros and cons, ways to find fulfillment in your love life. Sit down, think hard, and don’t stop until you’ve come up with those answers.

Homework is vital to effective therapy. It provides the structure for the therapist. It allows your therapist to gauge how well you’re coping, what areas you need to work on and what issues need addressing.

3. Say Goodbye

At one point or another, as a client you’re going to leave therapy. Whatever reason you’ve decided to leave therapy, you need to have one last session with your therapist to wrap things up. If you’re leaving therapy earlier than recommended, swallow your anxiety and make that last session. The work you’ve been doing needs a backup plan. That plan is there to make sure that the skills you’ve learned will continue to play a role in your life so you don’t slip back into old, unhelpful coping habits.

If you can’t face your therapist in saying goodbye, call them up on the phone. You and the therapist need closure. If you’re unhappy with your therapist, then tell them. Communicate. Therapists aren’t perfect, they can’t read your mind and if you don’t tell them how you feel about therapy or the process then they can’t change anything.

One of the goals of therapy is to create assertive communication skills. To encourage clients to ask for what they want while listening to the needs of others. If your need is for your therapist to listen more, to focus on another problem you’re having, to not tell so many anecdotes, to charge you less money for sessions. Ask.

If your need is to leave therapy. Tell them. Allow your therapist to do what they do best, and that is to help you take the steps necessary to ensure that you got the most out of the therapeutic process.

On a last note. And this might not even surprise you.

The three things listed above are also associated with positive therapy outcomes. What does that mean? As a client if you show up to therapy, do your homework and make sure you leave therapy by saying goodbye then you’ll be more likely to resolve or improve whatever problems were affecting you.

By Papalars

Let’s start with a story, it goes like this…

Once upon a time there was an overworked, stressed out modern day person, and that person was you! And that person became a victim of a spiral. The Spiral!

You know what I mean, right? Oh, yes you do.  The Spiral is that downward plummet towards depression/anxiety. It’s that sneaky feeling that slowly creeps into your life. It makes you think irrational thoughts that seem reasonable…at the start it’s trying to be subtle:

‘I should have listened more.’
‘I always mess that up.’
‘Life is hard.’
‘Other people can do this, why can’t I?’

Usually, you recognize these types of thoughts are unhelpful and let them slide, but not today, today you listen to them.

Your stress levels increase and you began to ruminate about the bad, ignoring the good.

Nothing is going right. Everything is going wrong. And The Spiral gives a little giggle, he’s winning so this time, he gives you thoughts that are far more irrational than the previous ones:

‘I’m hopeless.’
‘I’m a failure.’
Nobody likes me.’
‘I can’t do anything right.’

But there are other signs too. The Spiral begins to affect your body. You wake up at 5am, thoughts rushing, worrying about the day, what bills need to be paid, when to pick the kids up from school, what your partner said wrong the night before, how you never seem to have anything under control. The day goes by, you feel pressured, there are deadlines, responsibilities, and you’re failing to take care of it all. You don’t have time to deal with these bad feelings, people rely on you. And instead of cooking a healthy meal for your family that night, you get takeout, oh and a bottle of wine. You could really use a glass of wine!

Later, you feel bad that you haven’t cooked a healthy meal, you feel bad that you were home late from work. You’re so tired, and thanks to that bottle of wine (you knew you’d need it) you manage to get to sleep. Thank god. Sleep will help. Too bad you had more than two glasses of wine because after three hours of sleep, when the effects of the wine wears off, you wake up.

Your brain latches onto more negative thoughts. There’s a strange anxious hum in your body, your mind won’t sleep. It can’t sleep. So you get up and watch television, you wonder where your life went, you hate your job, there’s not enough passion in your relationship, the house needs cleaning, you won’t get enough sleep and it’ll make you hopeless the next day.

At 3am you finally drift into dreamland until 7am when your brain wakes you up again. It’s too late for exercise and you’re exhausted, so you have a cup of coffee. That will wake you up. Hours later you’re feeling lethargic as the coffee leaves your system…

This is how the spiral starts. It begins with worries, stress, external pressures, and in order for a quick comfort, a quick fix, we look outside our normal routine. We stop exercising, we eat more unhealthy food or we don’t eat enough nutritious food, we turn to alcohol or other drugs to relieve the bad feelings. This fuels our negative thought patterns. The ones you’re already susceptible to because you’ve had experienced this before. You’ve had this before and you should know better.

And when life begins to look horrible, you begin to get crying spells, you feel angry then sad then dejected.

The Spiral no longer has to try to make you feel horrible, because you agree with him.

When you can’t remember the last time you felt like exercising, when you don’t feel like socialising and need more alone time. When you get caught up in thoughts of the past, feel guilt, shame, rejection, you’re spiralling.

Stop!

You don’t have to go down this road. You can beat The Spiral. Do these things right now!

1. Make an appointment with your therapist. Immediately.

2. Exercise. Now! If you’re in your home, do some yoga or workout videos. If it’s daytime, go for a walk. Clear your mind. Get a grasp on that calm, manager you were just a few weeks ago.

3. Be compassionate. It’s okay. Things are hard. You can get back on track. Be positive.

4. See a friend. Someone you can talk to. Someone who cares. Someone who’ll encourage you to do healthy things for yourself. Keep that person around and make sure they know just how wonderful they are.

5. Stop the caffeine, alcohol, junk food. I’m a big believer in holistic therapy. We need to be balanced for our minds to be balanced.

6. If you haven’t already, take up mindfulness. Don’t get caught up in the tidal wave that is the incoming swirl of irrational thoughts. Focus on now. Keep in the now until you’re back on track.

No matter how complicated things feel, the solutions can be very simple. Give yourself a fighting chance and take the steps listed above to get back on track. And next time that spiral starts, remember, you can choose not to go there!

My personal stance on taking medication for illnesses like depression and anxiety tends to change from client to client. For some clients I suggest they might find medication useful. For instance, a client that is debilitated by depression and anxiety to the point where they don’t even want to try therapeutic techniques, needs pharmaceutical help. A client that seems to be functioning well intellectually and shows motivation to change and has the internal and external ability to do so, would probably be more likely to benefit from a Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) approach.

Oversleeping

Sometimes, clients come to me with symptoms that they don’t think are serious, but are. One of those is oversleeping. We live in a fast paced society that encourages our attention to flicker from one thing to another. In order to adapt, we process small, but numerous chunks of information at any one time. With a brain that is constantly engaged, it makes sense that when bedtime comes around, our brains have problems shutting off. A lack of sleep or insomnia seems to be a common modern affliction. And having bouts of insomnia seems reasonable. So, when a client feels sleepy and tired all the time, they see wanting that sleep as a positive indication of their mental health. Feeling tired feels good, right?  So what could be wrong with that?

Only 15% of  people with depression oversleep. By oversleeping I mean needing more than 10 hours sleep a day. According to the National Sleep Foundation we need 7 – 9 hours of sleep in a 24 hour cycle. But I say 10 hours to accommodate possible outliers.

The rest who suffer from depression tend to have more problems with insomnia. While insomnia is a problem in itself, and puts a person at danger during their daily tasks (like driving a car), there are many techniques and changes a person can make to increase the likelihood of getting enough sleep. A psychologist can help you with that. While there is a common perception of people with depression as layabouts with no energy, but that tends to be a function of insomnia rather than oversleeping.

If you’re showing signs of oversleeping needing 10 or more hours a day, or needing to sleep all the time, it might be time to see a doctor.

Other possible causes for oversleeping are:

• Diabetes
• Obesity
• Headaches
• Sleep Apnea

Personal Hygiene

Another sign that you need to see a doctor is when you stop taking care of your hygiene. When the daily routine of showering, cleaning, brushing your teeth and combing your hair becomes too much. You need to see a doctor.

At this point you’re becoming classified as low – mid functioning. Struggling with small tasks is a sign that your depression is becoming more serious  and needs extra help from our medical friends. With a little medical help, you can recover that energy to look after yourself and you’ll be much more likely to benefit from any therapy you receive from a psychologist.

Loss Of Appetite

A loss of appetite can seek to fuel depressive symptoms. We need food to nurture our body and our mind. Healthy food that is. And if you do not have an appetite, or are feeling sick at the sight of food, you need to see a doctor.

Some people overeat to deal with their negative feelings. A psychologist can implement behavior techniques to treat that, but a lack of appetite and feeling sick at the sight of food is harder for a psychologist to treat. You need to eat. You need fruit, vegetables, lean meats and complex carbohydrates. Without these your body begins to go into starvation mode which is added stress on top of your already presenting mental health issues.

It is possible that seeing a psychologist may increase your mood, which may increase your appetite, but your therapy sessions are going to be affected by a lack of glucose in your system, which is what fuels your brain.

Lastly,

Please don’t take any of these symptoms lightly. This is your life and your body/mind. Be kind to yourself, take care of yourself and never neglect yourself. Medication can be helpful kick-starter to getting treatment for depression. Ruling out other causes of depression-like-symptoms is also important.

To summarize:

• It is not okay to go days (3+) or weeks without maintaining hygiene or completing daily tasks. See a doctor.

• If you are oversleeping at night (10+) then feeling the need to sleep the  following day as well. See a doctor.

•  If you are not eating and feel sick at the sight of food. Please see a doctor.

I hope you’re snuggled up on a couch somewhere, or maybe still in bed with a cup of steaming coffee (I’m a tea girl myself). This is my third post with Psych Central and I hope to get your neurons firing and thoughts buzzing, I’ve decided to post on one of my favourite topics.

Goal Achievement.

Does that make me boring? Probably. However, when I start seeing a client the first thing I do is gauge how likely they are to commit to the goals they set in therapy. Why? Because therapy is not a passive activity, it’s an active one that takes work, dedication and commitment. There’s a common saying that anything worth having, takes work, and boy do I believe it!

Think of a time in the past when you had a goal set, you were working towards it and then it seemed to become less important and before long it faded into the background behind all the other things in life. One day you realize that you failed to achieve the goal you set and you berate yourself for not being more dedicated.

You begin to make conclusions about yourself and have thoughts such as:

‘I don’t’ have what it takes.’

‘I can’t do this.’

‘I’m a failure.’

‘I’m hopeless at sticking with a goal.’

You might even look at the people around you who were succeeding in their goal setting and you wondered why you didn’t have that secret formula. It’s true that some people are more motivated, ambitious and conscientious, but that doesn’t mean that they use some magic formula to achieve their goals, it just means they have traits that are more conducive to achieving them.

And trust me, if they don’t plan to achieve their goals, they won’t achieve them either.

Luckily, I can give you the formula that those magically gifted people are most likely using.

Your goals need to be SMART.

Why the capitalization? Because SMART is an acronym for: Specific, Measurable, Attainable, Relevant and Time-Based.  The criteria for ensuring that any goal set is achieved.

Using SMART goals means that you’ll avoid traps such as; only fantasizing about your goal, not committing to your goal, not starting your goal, focusing on the outcome rather than the process, giving up after a setback, procrastinating, getting distracted, forgetting about the goal, spending too much time on unhelpful aspects of the goal and focusing on ways it could go wrong (fear).

So here is a further explanation of the SMART goal formula.

S

Any Specific goal must be clear. It makes sense that you would then employ the common ‘W’ questions. What, Why, Who, Where and Which.

What is your goal? Why do you want to achieve this goal? Who will be involved? Where will achieving this goal take place? Which things are most relevant to achieving the goal?

M

Any Measurable goal needs to have sub-goals. You need to break your main goal into smaller, achievable goals that are measurable. How much? How many? When will you know each sub-goal is achieved? In counselling, clients must be able to tell me how they would know when a goal has been achieved. Often we operationalize ambiguous phenomena.

As an example, we might get a person to rate their stress levels out of ten (let’s say they report eight). And then aim to reduce those stress levels by four to five notches during the course of therapy (which brings their stress down to a four or three).

A

Your Attainable goal(s) have to be realistic, right? You also have to be able to achieve them. If your goal is to be able to climb to the peak of Mt Everest within the next two months, and you haven’t already been doing the necessary training, you might need to look at how likely you are to attain this goal. Your goal shouldn’t be extreme.

Often in counselling clients look at all the things they want to achieve at the one time and think, ‘it’s too hard’ or ‘it’s too much.’ This is why the goals need to be broken down. When a client has a goal that is unachievable, a therapists job is to help that client think of more achievable ones.

So in the attainable section of SMART goals you need to figure out how you’re going to achieve your realistic and attainable goal. What are the skills, thinking, and resources you need to attain them?

R

Relevant goals are goals that are in alignment or in support of other goals you have in mind. What is your ultimate objective? If you just want to get fitter, then climbing Mt Everest isn’t really relevant to getting fit. There are many other ways to achieve fitness which don’t require you putting your life at risk.

Is this goal worthwhile to you in the end? Is it right for you? Are there better goals, or ways to achieve your goals?

T

And finally Time-Based goals are all about the ‘when’ of goals. When will you achieve your first sub-goal? You need to ground your goals in a time-frame, if you leave them ‘up in the air’ it’s easier for procrastination to get it’s ugly claws on all your hard work and good intent. When you commit to a deadline you are more likely to focus on the day that goal is due. This helps for productivity and planning. It also helps you to stay focused on the current goal and not the ‘overall goal’ — that big ‘mountain’ you want to climb.

Soon I will do a post on SMARTER goals, which have an extra component of E and R (Evaluate and Reevaluate).

Be SMART. Set SMART goals.

Resources:

Rubin, R. S. (2002). Will the real SMART goals please stand up? The Industrial-Organisational Psychologist, 39(4), 26-27.

Image by Stuart Miles

Believe it or not, men tend to feel responsible for a lot, and until you probe the depths of their minds (good luck), you’re probably unaware of it. The topics that guys don’t want to talk about are usually the topics that need discussion. And once again, I’m not trying to say all men, just a vast majority.

When a woman brings up ‘the talk’, which usually means going into an in-depth discussion about feelings and relationship processes, guys seem to cower. I mean literally; you can see them squirming in their seats sometimes. Or, if you’ve got something to complain about, depending on the type of man you’re with, they may become defensive, yell at you and try to turn the conversation back on you. Or you’ll get the nod-and-apologize response. Both ways aren’t helpful and leave the women thinking, “Did they really understand what I just said?”

A guy might say, “Yeah, he gets it, look at him nodding.” But hearing and listening are two very different things. The guy needs to listen by repeating back to her what she’s said, by showing her he understands how she arrived at feeling the way she does, and then, if a guy is lucky, she’ll be ready to move onto problem solving.

Whether defensive or overly apologetic (feeling guilty), both of these reactions are unhelpful. Often a woman isn’t intending to lay blame, she just wants to talk about what’s wrong. And guys, if she sees your behaviour as a key player in that, it’s probably just coincidence.

It’s interesting, because this is the time when women need those problem-solving skills from their men. This is the time for guys to engage the woman in finding a solution. She’ll tell you what’s wrong, what you could do better and how that will lead to better outcomes in the relationship (I hope women out there are doing this and not just complaining). But it doesn’t seem like that’s what the man hears. It seems what he hears is:

“You’ve made me upset. You aren’t doing this right. You aren’t working hard enough.”

Even if those things are true, the woman is simply looking for a way to make it work so her needs are met. This is an opportunity to be close to her, to listen to her and to make your relationship stronger.

As my friend said:

“This is an area in which I also falter. Sometimes she needs to talk about things in our relationship, and I tend to feel like I need to defend myself, or our relationship. I feel … not quite panicked, but I have the lack of coherent thoughts that usually comes with panic of some kind. So I end up not thinking of anything to say except possibly for stating what I want, and what I feel. And even then, I usually want to keep this to myself.”

After some investigation, it does seem to me that men feel the need to carry the weight of the happiness in the relationship. If the woman is unhappy, then that means he’s doing something wrong and instead of problem solves, feels guilty or fears the relationship will not work out.

“It’s easier to change the focus to the other person’s feelings, and try to analyze them, in the hopes of resolving and discussing emotions by only addressing your own behaviour, and not really your own emotions.”

My friend says that sometimes he has things he wants to express to his partner, but he’s afraid it will just make her more upset and less confident in the relationship, and so he keeps those things to himself. The problem I see with this is that keeping things to himself may turn to resentment. Why? If you fulfill your partner’s needs and they don’t fulfill yours, you’ll feel resentful, right? This can come about, also, because guys devalue their own emotional needs in comparison to their partners.

Tip For Men: Guys, you need to be assertive. Learn to communicate your feelings appropriately. Your woman needs to know what’s going on inside her guy’s head, so that when you both work to fix a problem in your relationship, it’s totally fixed. Don’t use band-aids to make her feel better, because the problem will just come back up again, and again, and again, until it starts to chip away at the solid foundations of your relationship.

The intention of this blog is not to pick on men, but to reveal the motivation for some of the common reactions men have when faced with a woman’s emotions. In fact, I’m going to write my next blog on women. Because while women do tend to credit themselves with having the better communication styles, I think there’s more they/we can be doing to help our guys to feel validated and supported within a relationship.

Happy Relationship Talks!

Image by David Castillo Dominici

My female clients often complain to me that their husband/boyfriend doesn’t understand their needs. And to be honest, I’ve experienced similar things in my own past relationships. In order to address that though, I would sit my partner down and explain to them what it is I needed from them.

Sometimes this was met with understanding and receptivity, thank goodness, and sometimes it wasn’t (those ones probably didn’t last long).

Regardless of how your man responds, ladies, you’ve got to make it clear to him what it is that you want. See a therapist. If he doesn’t know what you need and then you get upset when your man doesn’t make you happy, it’s hardly his fault then, is it?

So, when frustrated clients on the verge of divorcing or splitting from their partners come to see me for counselling, it’s usually at the point where they feel their man no longer cares. It’s funny because I know that guys care very much about their relationships.

So what signals are these guys sending out to their female partners to give them that impression?

Well, I wanted to investigate what was causing this breakdown in communication between men and women, so I questioned some male friends of mine. I needed a clear explanation of the inner workings of the male mind. What assumptions and lessons had these guys been taught in regards to communicating and listening to their female partners?

In John Gray’s book “Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus,” he suggests that men and women are from two different planets. Not literally of course, but his idea is quite persuasive to someone who doesn’t have a crisp, critical eye.

I know, I know. It’s really tempting to put people into dichotomous categories. It’s what our brains do. When we can put people into clear, distinct categories, the world feels a little bit easier to deal with – it seems simpler.

“Guy can’t communicate well? Oh that’s just men. It’s just the way they are. It makes sense they’re from another planet.”

Wrong.

Communication is a skill set that is taught to us. That’s why some communicate well, and others don’t. Luckily, anyone can learn to master it.

While this blog isn’t centred on criticizing John Gray’s book, his concepts are a little simplistic. However, I do applaud his mentioned practical advice and I like one of the points he raises that men show their love by offering to fix problems when a women talks about the frustrations of her day. Sometimes a woman appreciates having her man jump to her aid, but mostly not.

A Tip For Men: If she’s talking about a topic that has an obvious solution. She can probably solve it herself. If you point this out to her, you’re missing the point of her talking to you in the first place, which simply to share with you her feelings so you can get closer to her. She’s also ‘offloading’ emotion; it’s just how she deals with it and you are the lucky person she’s chosen to do that with. Why are you lucky? Because she trusts you to care, she trusts you to hear her, to accept her and show compassion and warmth. She doesn’t want this from anyone else.

Look, the concept that men and women are different in their communication styles has been reviewed to death. But there was no in-depth look at how men are actually thinking. Ladies, I hope you’re on the edge of your seat now as I cover two categories: Crying and Guilt.

Men and Crying

Why does a crying woman make some men so uncomfortable? Because for the women, or at least many women, crying is venting. It happens, you feel better afterwards, and you try to lessen the shame of it by frantically dabbing at your face with a tissue to remove the various types of liquids that have gathered there.

As Doctor Hasson, a researcher into the evolutionary purposes of crying, reports:

“Too often, women who cry feel ashamed, silly or weak, when in reality they are simply connected with their feelings, and want sympathy and hugs from their partners.”

Doctor Hasson has discovered that crying is a show of emotion, but it’s also an opportunity for people to become closer. It seems that the main purpose of tears is to alleviate the sufferer but also to suggest to those around us that we need something. With all this in mind, how is it a simple natural and evolutionary function seems to elicit disgust or fear in men?

A friend of mine, who very graciously allowed me to quote him said:

“The big instinct here is to stop her crying and make her feel better…You want to fix whatever it is that is making her cry, but if you can’t fix it right here, it can be just kind of an indicator that you should have done something else.”

But personally, I don’t think men are the only ones who want to stop a woman crying. I know if I see someone, anyone, who is upset, I feel motivated to reach out and ask the person if they’re okay.

Some guys can see a women’s tears as manipulative, and maybe some women do use it that way, but I suspect the majority of women do not. And when they cry it’s a very real emotional response.

Because society seems to discourage crying in men, perhaps they’ve been forced to cope with their emotions in other ways. So it makes sense that they might feel confused by a woman who cries often, or sometimes, because for a guy crying is a sign of weakness, it’s when they’ve let their guard down. And they seem to believe you only really cry if something is ‘really’ wrong.

But why should tears only be for times of extreme situations?

Tip For Men: Guys, a woman’s tears are her way of letting her guard down around you and relieving her emotional internal pressure. Hug her, listen to her, and be ready to jump to action if she asks you to help her.

Click HERE to read Part 2 of this blog specifically focused on Men and Guilt.

Resources:

Why Cry? (2009, Sep 7) Retrieved July 24, 2012, from Science Daily web site: http://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2009/08/090824141045.htm

Image by Nuttakit