Zombie movies are all the rage now, apparently (never been my thing). A zombie is dead, but won’t stop following you. If it catches you, it will hurt or destroy you, infecting you with whatever it is that made it a zombie. Finally, zombies have a bad habit of coming in packs that multiply rapidly.

In an argument, a zombie is a past argument that should be dead, but just won’t stop following you. Argument zombies can hurt or destroy your marriage, and they will infect your current argument. Once you have a couple of argument zombies, you can count on the number growing. If you both bring zombies into your arguments, the odds of being overwhelmed are great.

You deal with zombies one at a time, and you deal with them until they are really dead. Then, and only then, do you move on.

If your arguments have a way of becoming zombie infested, have a strategy meeting with your bride. Agree that zombies are never helpful, and should be put out of your lives. Do whatever it takes to deal with the past issues – fight each one until it’s dead. Then if either of you tries to bring up something that is settled, the other can counter with something subtle like screaming “Zombie!” at the top of his or her lungs.

I am learning, far too slowly I fear, that doing the right thing in an argument often involves swallowing my pride and suppressing the desire to defend every implied or self-imagined slight against my character or my motives. I can deal with the issue, or how I fear I am being seen/portrayed – but not both. If how she sees me is my priority, the issue is unlikely to be dealt with easily, if at all. On the other hand, if I can set my image aside, then I can deal with the issue that is causing my thoughts and motives to be questioned.

In part doing this means dealing with the facts, not the opinions. If she thinks you are selfish, arguing about that is a waste of time. Why does she think you are selfish? Does she understand your reality completely? Maybe if she understood your feelings, and all that you are dealing with, she would see your actions as more understandable and less selfish. Do you understand her reality completely? If you knew all she was thinking and going through, you might see her needs differently and understand why you actions come across as selfish to her.

When we’re attacked, it’s natural to defend ourselves. When our character or integrity is questioned, our first reaction is to fight back, to show we are not what we have been accused of being. Thing is, this is fighting the end result of a chain of thoughts she has had about you. Ignore that end result, and deal with the things that lead her to that end result. Allow her to think you are selfish (not that you really have a choice) as you deal with the issues. Dig deep enough, and either she will realise she did not see things clearly, and admit you are not selfish, or you will see a valid reason for her to think you are selfish, and then you can make changes.

Of course, there are times when the problem is not that you see the facts differently. Maybe she wants to give money to some friend, cause, relative and you feel either that the person/cause is not deserving of the money, or you feel that the two of you don’t have the money to spare. She sees you as selfish while you see it as responsible. In this case the label – selfish, is not just an end result, it is a part of the problem. Resolving this one is difficult because the facts that are in dispute are not something that can be proven, the issues are about thoughts, feeling, sense of morality, sense of responsibility and so on. In this case, agreeing to set aside accusations like “selfish” or “irresponsible” may help each of you understand the other better.

In any disagreement, argument, or outright fight, you have two basic choices – you can do something that makes it worse, or you can do something that makes it better. You can escalate the issue, or you can attempt to do the opposite. In my experience, all the things that come naturally tend to escalate the situation to one degree or another.

• Attacking her back when you feel attacked makes you feels good, but it also escalates the situation and decreases the chances of resolving things.
• Being defensive or trying to shift blame may be natural and maybe even correct in theory, but both tend to make the other person more upset.
• Excuses don’t help. Even if her frustration allows her to hear you, she does not want an excuse, she wants to deal with the issue.
• Defending yourself is a natural reaction, but it closes you to dealing with the issue, and she will react by closing herself.
• Turing it back on her, making it her fault, or widening the fight to cover issues where you feel you have a better chance of winning is trying to put out a fire by throwing petrol on it.
• Promises are of little value – unless you have a very solid track record of doing what you promise, doing it quickly, and sticking to it. Promises of change are often an attempt to end the argument rather than solving it. Promises made to end an argument promises are usually promises we can’t or won’t keep.
• Even trying to calm her can escalate things – she will likely feel manipulated or belittled. If she’s angry, don’t try to remove the anger – deal with what is causing the anger.

Sometimes escalating works short term – she may get so mad she walks off and leaves you in peace. However, that’s not a long-term win for the marriage. The other, much darker, “winning move” of escalation is the man who learns to push his bride’s buttons so that she becomes hysterical. Then he feels justified in ignoring her. This is deeply destructive, and if you are doing this, you should either seek help with it or prepare to be alone in the future.

Bottom line – the best way to work something out is not making it worse in the process.

I don’t write enough about dealing with argument – my “Fight_nice” tag has only been used once. So I’m doing a short series on that this week.

One of the funniest pieces of advice I ever heard about marital fights is that they should all be done with husband and wife both fully nude. I’m thinking that would put the fellow at a disadvantage, no? On the other hand, I have seen advice to hold hands while arguing. I suspect many folks would find that very difficult, but it would tend to diffuse things.

Disagreements are going to happen in marriage – every marriage. It’s not the disagreements that matter, it’s how you handle them. Studies have found the WORST option is to ignore them, bury them, or hide from them. Any non-violent attempt to express and  work through a disagreement is better for the long term health of the marriage than ignoring the problems. Even couples who yell and scream are better off than those that just keep it in. That does not mean I am suggesting yelling! I’m suggesting that you “fight nice”.

Fight nice means you deal with the issues without trying to hurt each other. It’s not a “win” if you hurt your bride – or if you walk away hurt. Insults and belittling are not part of fighting nice. Phrases like “You always …” or “You never…” have no place in a nice fight – no matter how true they may feel at the time.

“And let us consider one another in order to stir up love and good works…” [Heb 10:24]

How would we apply that to marraige? How can we encourage our brides to love others and do good works? How can we convince them we want their help in encouraging us to do the same?

Links to blog posts that stood out to me this last week:

Note – Once again a lack of time has kept me from reading all that I normally do. Still found plenty of good stuff out there!

Engaged Marriage

Want a Better Marriage? Learn About Money! : Money is a major cause of marital stress – find out how to deal with or avoid money stresses.

Marriage Gems

What’s a Pro-Marriage Counselor & How Do You Find One? : “A pro-marriage counselor is a therapist who is not neutral about the marriage—one who actively advocates for the marriage, not for one or both individuals.” Okay, to me this is a “well duh” thing – but then I realise there are counsellors who DON’T operate this way.
Just Say ‘No’ to Perfection in Marriage: Perfectionism will destroy anything – with marriage being no exception.
Read This if You EVER Have Conflict in Your Marriage : I didn’t read this since it was not about me, but Lori always writes gr4eat stuff, so I’m sure it’s very good. (And yes, I’m kidding on the first part of that.)

The Marry Blogger

Flexing Your Marriage Muscles : Stu offers a few marriage evaluations – do you know where your marriage needs work?

The Romantic Vineyard

Freebie Friday: National Observances: A fun way to fit more fun and celebration into your life.
Love Endures All Things: Another great entry in the “Love is” series.
7 Links From Our Heart for Marriage: Another reply to the 7 link challenge – and great stuff.
Project 52: 30 Minutes To A Memory: Tom Walter is a romantic genius. Read and learn.

Simple Marriage

Are you guilty of these marriage mistakes? : A great list – I could do a week on each of these. In fact, I just happen to be doing next week on #10.
Allowing Your Child to Grow Up : A very good The Confident Mom guest post

Some of the comments on my Hints are for puzzles post discussed hinting for sex.  Here is one comment that I suspect many can relate to:

“…the reason I hinted was so that I or we didn’t ruin the entire evening. If it’s a rejected hint, then she can pass it off as not getting the hint and I can just let it slide. If I put myself out there completely then its much harder to hide the disappointment and she has to face the disappointment and it ruins the evening.

Basically I wanted to have sex with my wife, not to end the evening with a downer, which is usually what my sexual overtures did.”

Been there, done that, rarely got her T-shirt off.

I understand how not really talking about it saves frustration and lowers the risk of a confrontation that ruins the evening, or the week, or… On the other hand, maybe avoiding the confrontation also means avoiding doing anything that makes for a real change. Imagine it from her perspective – if you hint, if you don’t outright ask, isn’t that an indication that it’s not really that important? You say it’s important, but your actions say something else. Your actions say you’d like to, but it’s not important enough for you to make a fuss about it. Your actions say you are more concerned about her reaction than actually having sex.

If you are this way about everything, then I suppose it’s who you are, and that is that. On the other hand, if you are more “pushy”, or less willing to take no, about other things, than your actions are telling her that sex is far less important than what movie you go to, where you go to eat, how you spend your weekend, and so on. I mean come on; don’t you see how much someone is willing to “fight” for something as an indication of how much they really want it?

If your hints and other methods of indicating you want sex without asking for it are telling her it’s not that important to you, maybe that is why you have so little sex?

In my experience, most men think women are emotionally weaker or more vulnerable than we guys. This despite what we may say to avoid being called anti-woman or seen as insensitive. This despite any research that seems to say something different. Other men don’t necessarily think their bride is weaker, but none-the-less feel they have a responsibility to guard her emotionally.

If you think either of these, what are you doing about it? Are you protecting her, running interference, or giving her a break when life is stressful? Do you think she is less able to deal with stress, but act as if she should deal with it as well as you?