This is the fifth part in a series for men facing divorce. See parts one, two, three and four.

So, she’s filed for divorce, and is asking you to sign the papers. Some folks suggest you don’t do this, make it hard for her, make her do it the long and difficult way; dig your feet in and make her drag you through divorce court. While this will keep you married for a few more months, it is only making her mad, and that’s not going to cause her to change her mind. The reality is you can’t stop her; if she wants a divorce, she will get it. The best you can do is make life miserable for her while slowing down the process. If that makes you feel better, then go for it – if you can justify it to yourself.

However, if you sign, it’s all over, right? Besides, signing is saying you agree, it’s saying you want the divorce, right? I don’t think signing means either of those things, especially if you make it clear you don’t want the divorce. Signed papers don’t mean a divorce – there is still a process and time. Even a divorce is not the end – I’ll discuss that in a few days.

Please understand that if she is asking you to sign papers, your wife is focused on nothing else. This is what she wants, and nothing else is going to be considered. She won’t hear you, and dragging your feet only means she will refuse to ever listen to you. In her mind you would be proving her right; one more example of you making her life difficult for no apparent reason (from her perspective). Your signature is the problem; the obstacle to overcome; it’s the only thing standing in the way of what she wants. If you give her your signature, she will relax – and that is when she might listen to you. 

Yes, I am talking about giving her all the power. If you had any real power to stop the divorce such advice would not be the way to go, but you don’t have the power to stop her. Trust me, others before you have gone to extremes to stop a divorce, and the only people who benefit from that are lawyers. Aside from pissing her off now, you are burning all your bridges – and all for nothing since you can’t stop her. 

Here is how I would do it. I’d send a note; an e-mail copied to a trusted mutual friend. I’d say something like this:

You have asked me to sign divorce papers. I have made it clear I don’t want a divorce, but I know I can’t stop you if you are dead set on divorce. Rather than being a jerk and making the whole thing take more time and money, I will have the signed papers in your hands on ______ (two days from today). 

It is my hope that you will give the papers to your lawyer and ask him to hold them for you, but not to file them. I’ve given you the ability to end it at any time; my request is that you give me a chance to show you that we can make it work. Please take some time to relax – things have been crazy and we both need to clear our heads. Then please consider what it would take for our marriage to work. What do you need from me? What do I need to understand, what do I need to change? Who can we go to get help with this?

Follow up on moving out: Several of you have raised the concern that moving out of the house can hurt your chances of getting custody, full or joint, of the children should there be a divorce. After a bit of research I find that in the States this varies a great deal from state to state and case to case. If you have kids, you certainly need to get some good legal advice from someone local. The suggestion of moving into the basement or spare room has some merit; probably better for the kids, but probably also somewhat less likely to result in saving the marriage.

From all I have read, divorce is very hard on kids, and actually has negative effects that can be traced over the rest of their lives. To me this means that doing whatever you can to save the marriage is also the best thing for the kids. I do understand the desire to start working on the best you can have with the kids in case the divorce does happen, but that choice increases the chances of a divorce that will harm those children a great deal. Given that, I would say it’s going to be a decision that depends on the situation. That means you need good advice not only on the legal, but also on the emotional, mental, and spiritual ramifications of your various choices.

He's still not getting it

This is the fourth part in a series for men facing divorce. See parts one, two, and three.

If your bride is talking divorce and you don’t understand why, there are only a few explanations:

1. She is cheating on you
2. She is having a “mid-life crisis” 
3. She is psychotic 
4. You are not seeing things as she sees them (meaning you are not as great a husband as you think you are)

Numbers one and two are completely different issues, and number three is outside of my experience; but that’s okay, because number four is more common than the other three combined.

Women as a group are more relationally focused than men are. This is not my opinion, it’s a well-established fact. The areas of the brain related to relationships are proportionally larger in women than men, and studies find women are more easily influenced, and harmed, by their relationships. Men are more likely than women to suffer because of a lack of relationships, but this is a natural result of not placing as much value on relationships in the first place. My point here is that she is far more aware than you are what is going on, and not going on, in your marriage because she feels it’s far more critical. She is less willing (and less able) to put up with relational problems and shortages, and the longer such things go on, the worse it gets for her.

In short, I’m telling you that she is aware of things you ignore. Have you ever listened to your car and known something is wrong with it, while your bride has no clue? For her it’s like that, she hears it clearly, and the fact that you can’t hear it (and probably imply, if not state as fact, that this means it’s not there) does not change her reality. Has she exaggerated or slanted things? Probably - it’s human nature. However, exaggeration does not mean there is nothing there, it only means that what is there is less than what has been stated. Often we find one flaw, exaggeration or error in what someone says, and use that to reject everything they said. I suspect many husbands do this when their bride voices her concerns, frustration or needs. Often it follow a pattern like this:

1. She complains that their relationship needs change.
2. He finds some small thing in what she has said that’s not 100% right, and dismisses the entire discussion; topic closed. 
3. He repeats #2 every time she tries to talk to him about the problems she sees.
4. She gives up. He takes her giving up as an indication she is “finally being reasonable”.
5. She grows cold and bitter.
6. She decided she is done, and makes plans to leave.
7. One day she says “divorce” and he honestly has no idea why she is doing it. So …
8. He feels like the victim, and reacts accordingly.
9. She takes this as proof he won’t change, even when faced with divorce, and that’s the end of it in her mind.

Where are you on that list? If you have not gotten past #4, you can turn things around, but once you get to #5 it becomes very difficult. The further down the list you are, the more time and effort it’s going to take to heal. Regardless of where you are on the list, the solution is the same: reverse what you have been doing when she talks to you. Instead of looking for anything that is false, look for every bit of truth in her words. Be brutal with yourself; don’t excuse things or think they are not that big a deal. If you are not doing what you should, if you are not as loving, giving, generous, kind and caring, as you should be, you are harming her. If this has gone on for years, you have done a great deal of harm to her.

If you have hit the point where she is asking for a divorce, or is making noise about it, you need to act quickly and decisively.

If she is still talking to you, tell her you realise she has tried to tell you about the problems, but you didn’t list. Apologise, and ask her to please tell you again. Listen, don’t argue. Hear what she is saying, write it down, make sure you have really heard her concerns. Thank her for her willingness to share with you, and set a time to talk again – soon. Then go over what she has said. Pray about her words, and what’s behind them. Share what she has said with a trusted friend who will be tough on you, not tell you that you are fine and your wife is out of line. Figure out where you have been wrong, and where you have fallen short. Then tell you wife what you have discovered. Be blunt, and own your faults - “I have not” and “I failed to” and “You should not have to put up with” and things like that. You cannot overestimate how much owning all your stuff will shock her, and how it will cause her to wonder if she has been wrong about your ability and willingness to change. An honest admission of wrong should buy you some time – but only a bit. You need to act quickly to make changes. Not flashy surface changes, but real changes. You need some third party help at this point. (If you think you can do it yourself, realise that your wisdom got you here in the first place!) Find a pastor or counselor or an older man who is wise and spiritually mature, and work your butt off to make changes.

If she’s no longer talking to you, try to remember what she said when she was talking. Odds are it’s been months, maybe more than a year. If you can’t figure it out, ask others who know both of you if they can help you. Then get to work as above.

And yes, I know she’s not perfect; I know there are things you put up with and things she should change. If you manage to save your marriage you need to discuss those things – but for now bringing up her stuff will look like you once again refusing to take responsibility for your stuff. In her mind you have given up the right to complain about or ask for anything. Right or wrong, that is the field on which the battle will take place.

This is the second part in a series for men facing divorce. See parts one and two.

She’s had enough. She does not want to talk, or work on it; she just wants it to end. Failure to respect this is only going to make her mad, and that won’t help you save your marriage. You need to communicate to her that you respect her need for some space, and that you are giving that to her because you love her, not because you want to be divorced. I say communicate because talking to her is probably not the best way to go. Even if she is will listen to you, odds are one, or the other of you will get upset and say something that just makes things worse. An e-mail or short letter is the way to go here.

You want her to continue her life as normally as possible. This means letting her stay in the house/apartment, while you find other accommodation. It means letting her know you will find somewhere else to go to church so she can feel okay going to the church she knows. It means not using the children as a way of inserting yourself into her life.

Some guys think making it difficult for her will snap her out of it, but this is not what happens. Any challenge makes her surer she should leave. She has been building up to this for a while, she has thought it out; she has plans. Because of this the odds are she will handle challenges well, and that just shows her that she does not need you. Additionally, pushing her away from what she knows, and from those closest her, just encourages her to make new habits and new friends. This is the exact opposite of what you want.

You must realise she does not want to see you or talk to you right now. She is almost certainly afraid, to some extent, that you will push yourself on her. Maybe you have given her cause to fear this, and maybe you have not, but most women expect it. If you show her you get that, and that you don’t want to make her uncomfortable, it can help a lot. I realise you can’t work things out if you are not communicating, but giving her space allows her to calm down, and shows her that you respect her more than she has thought you do.

• If you have kids, let her know you want to find ways to spend time with them so it won’t be a problem for her. Tell her you are open to picking up and dropping them off at a neutral, public place or someone’s home.
• Ask her if she would like you to copy all communications to a third party.
• DO NOT just show up at the house for ANY reason. If you need something, let her know, and ask when you can come by. I said ask her, not tell her. Ask her if she wants to be gone when you come by, or if she wants a friend or two to be there with her. 
• Give her your house keys; all of them. 

In all of this, continue to communicate, gently, that it is your desire and prayer for the marriage to work out.

No idea what to say (write)? Use this as a starting place:

Her first name (skip the nicknames and other stuff, it will feel insincere or manipulative),

I don’t understand what is happening, but I can see you are deeply hurt. I do not want to be divorced from you, but I know I don’t have power over that. It is my deepest desire, and my prayer, that we can work this out. I will work hard to save our marriage – please let me know what I have done so I can start to work on my stuff.

I can see that you need to have time away from me, and I respect that need. I want this to be as easy as possible for you, so I have made arrangements to stay at ______________. Let me know when I can come by to drop off my keys and get what I need. If you don’t want to be there, I understand. If you want someone to be there with you, or in place of you, that’s fine. It’s your call.

I don’t want you to feel uncomfortable with your friends. I will not bad mouth you in any way. I won’t try to get our friends to choose sides. I realise seeing me at church would be very difficult, so I will go to (another church or another service) for the time being.

I will, of course, want to spend times with the kids. However, I don’t want to use them as pawns, or make you uncomfortable. We can arrange swapping of the kids in a public place, or at someone else’s house. I have no intention of trying to turn the kids against you, and will only tell them that we are having problems and that I hope we can work them out. I will not put this on you or try to make you “the bad guy”.

Let me know how you want to communicate when we need to do so. If you don’t want to talk, I understand. We can do email. If you want me to copy everything I write to someone, let me know.

You may not feel or believe it right now, but I do love you, and I want to continue being your husband. I want to understand what I have done to drive you away so that I can change. I want to become the man you need and deserve. I pray that giving you the space you need will allow you to feel okay about giving me a chance to work things out. I realise the problems are many and long term, and that there is no quick fix. I’m in this for the long haul.

Love,
Your name 

My bride, who has dealt with women leaving or thinking of leaving a husband, says a letter like this would give any woman pause. Many would not believe it, but if it were followed with action that matched the words, it would shock and confuse almost any wife seeking a divorce. Shocked and confused is good, it means she may consider that things are not as she thinks, or at least that she was wrong that her husband could not/would not change. Additionally, following up on such a letter with actions that match the words would leave a woman with very little cover. She can’t point to anything he is doing at the moment that is wrong, selfish, or harmful. Regardless of what is in the past, or what she says is in the past, the man who writes such a letter, and follows it with appropriate actions, is clearly trying to save his marriage. Such a man shows that he won’t let his pride or fear or his own perceptions destroy his marriage. 

This is the second part in a series for men facing divorce. See part one.

So your bride has left, of asked you to leave, or you realise one of those is about to happen. Odds are you are shocked; you didn’t see it coming, and you don’t understand it. Worse, it seems that her mind is made up and she is not listening to anything you say. I can’t promise your marriage can be saved, but there is a good chance if you do things the right way. Thing is your natural reactions are almost certainly not the right way. Usually a husband’s reaction only makes his wife feel she has made the right choice. His attempts to save the marriage are what kills it for good. Bottom line, your way of thinking and doing this has you on the brink of divorce, more of the same won’t fix it.

Yesterday I asked you to read The Walk-away Wife Syndrome by Michele Weiner-Davis. This article is brilliant – well done and a perfect description of a very common cause of divorce. Michele ends with this:

Perhaps your wife is no longer open to your advances because she’s a soon-to-be walkaway wife. If so, read the posts on the divorcebusting.com messageboard. Don’t crowd her. Don’t push. Be patient. If you demonstrate you can change and she still has eyes… and a heart, you might just convince her to give your marriage another try.

I want to build on that over the next few days.

First, you need to get over your perception of your marriage, of what you have each done right and wrong, and why your wife is doing what she is doing. The truth is there are three versions – your perception, her perception, and reality. If your goal is to save your marriage, you must act as if her perception is accurate. I know that feels wrong, especially if you feel she has made untrue accusations or completely misunderstood your intentions. Fighting over who is right, or trying to correct her perception of you, is not going to save your marriage; on the country, those things will push her away and seal the deal on your divorce.

I know this is a major struggle for many men. Not correcting her seems like agreeing with her, and agreeing with something that is wrong feels like telling a lie. Even worse, I am suggesting that you act as if she is mostly right! You have a choice here, and only one choice holds any real chance of your not ending up divorced. I suggest you put away your need to correct, your need to be right, your pride, and anything else that makes you want to set the record straight. In reality these traits, or at least the over expression of these traits, are part of why you are facing the end of your marriage. 

Next, you need to be clear, in a simple and non-confrontational way, that you don’t want a divorce, and that you are ready to do whatever it takes to work things out. To that end, the following are bad ideas:

• Telling her she does not have cause to divorce you.
• Talking about what you put up with from her.
• Saying it would be sin for her to divorce you.
• Using the kids against her (“Think about the kids”).
• Suggesting you will try to take the kids is beyond stupid. [If the kids are truly not safe with her, I mean real harm is very likely, you need to act in their best interest, otherwise don't say a thing about the kids.]
• Asking if she is seeing someone else (or outright accusing her of an affair).
• Trying to spin the situation with mutual friends.
• Sending anyone after her to “talk sense” in to her.
• Making any kind threat, no matter how veiled or ambiguous.

Of course, some of these things may be true; that’s not the point. These things are attacks, and her reaction will be to become defensive. You need to avoid anything condemning or confrontational, it won’t help. 

Upgrade from a music stand!

I’m going to do a couple of posts for men who are separated or divorced – and for those who will find themselves there this year – most of whom have no idea it is coming. As a lead in to that, let me share a few notes from the sermon I heard today on 1 Peter 3:1-7

• How we are called to treat our spouse is not dependent on what they do. This is true for both men and women.
• Submission is not about greater and lesser.
• Submitting to someone who is over you is being like Jesus – who submitted to the Father.
• Seek to understand before you seek to be understood.
• Real men are givers, not takers.
• The danger for men is to feel more entitled to special treatment than to live out our call to die for our wife.

Tomorrow I will use a story shared in the sermon as a starting place for those of you facing divorce – be it in your future or past.

Important note if you are frustrated with your sex life: I know some of you would like an article you could send your wife to read that would give her a clue about sex. Sheila Wray Gregoire of to Love, Honor and Vacuum, and author of Saturday’s gets post, has just what you want! Her Monday post, entitled Why your husband wants you to read this marriage blog, starts with a short note explaining why you have sent your wife to the post, then it explains to her, woman to woman, why sex is important. It then invites her to read the 29 Days to Great Sex that starts on February 1^st.