I ran across Childfree And Happy over on BlackandMarriedWithKids.com last month. There are a growing number of couples choosing not to have children, and see it among some who are following Jesus.

I admit my first thought is “what’s wrong with you?” That is followed by wondering if it’s selfishness or if they will change their minds once they “grow up a bit”. However, I’ve learned that my first reactions are often based on tradition and habit, rather than on what God says. So I thought a bit deeper.

It could be argued that we have taken care of the command to “fill the earth”. It could be argued that the money a couple would put into children could be used to help a lot of people – to do biblical things like feeding the hungry, clothing the poor, and helping the elderly.

Until fairly recently choosing to be married and not have children was not an option – not if one was going to follow God’s commands to not say no to each other sexually. This is a new option, one that we’ve never had to think about. I wonder if some of the reaction to this is rooted in the feeling that having babies is the only thing that “justifies” a couple having sex.

I’m sure some will argue, but I can’t find a biblical basis for saying it is wrong, it is sin, to choose to be childless. That said, when we do something that is a major departure from the norm, I think it’s important to know why we are doing it, and to know our reasons are sound. If a couple just does not “feel like” having kids I would suggest they pray about it. On the other hand, if the couple felt that God did not want them to have children, who am I to say they had not heard God? I think being childless because God said to be childless would be very different from being childless so you were free to party!

In the Bible Paul says that God gave some the ability to be celibate – to remain single and not sin sexually. He said these people could serve God in ways that those who married could not. I’ve always thought that meant those people can serve God better as singles than if they married, while the rest can serve God better as a couple than as two singles. It’s about living based on how God made you. So, now that it’s an option, is it possible that God might give some couples the ability to be childless, to not feel they have missed something by not having children? If so, then maybe those couples can serve God better without children than with them.

I realise this is a radical thought. Anyone care to wade in?

Ever worked with someone who was only there for the pay check? They didn’t care about the job, or the people around them; they showed up, clocked in, did as little as possible to keep their job, and clocked out.

Ever caught yourself having the same attitude about your marriage? You do the minimum necessary to keep her from leaving, or to keep her from going ballistic, and that’s it. Most of us fall into that temptation on occasion (I certainly have), especially when we are stressed, or tired, or otherwise overwhelmed. The important question is how often we give in to that temptation, and how often we reject it.

I’ve noticed that clock punchers suffer eventually. Sometimes the minimum to keep the job day-to-day is not enough to keep it long-term. If there are cutbacks, the clock punchers get fewer hours first, and are let go first. In the same way, doing the minimum in your marriage will catch up to you at some point.

THANK YOU!!!

I’ve not mentioned donations in a while, so I’m going to devote a post to it.

Asking others to support you in ministry leads to a good deal of self-examination. Asking for that support is saying that what you’re doing is worthy of other’s support, that your message is something that needs to be heard farther and wider. I do feel that way about what Lori and I do with TGH and TGW, The Marriage Bed website, and Twitter. So I’m asking.

I’ve mentioned wanting a large number of monthly micro-donors, and we continue to seek that. We appreciate any amount, but could really use a couple dozen couples who could do $25 a month. I know for some that’s just not possible, but if it is for you please pray about it.

Donations can be made here. Razoo is the easiest way to make donations, and especially recurring donations. You can also use PayPal, bill pay or mail a check.

Thank you so much to all who have supported us, some of you for many years. Your help has allowed us to do so much, and with the help of others, we will do even more.

Up front a confession – I’m overweight. When I stopped doing 30-60 hours a week of hard labour in the Texas heat, my calorie burning was cut by at least half. I did not cut my calorie intake by nearly as much. The result is weight gain. I’ve made several attempts in the last five years to lose the weight, including a good start last year, but I’m nowhere near where I need to be. In part, I think I have needed a good reason to motivate me. I recently found that motivation – if I can call God hitting me over the head with it “finding”. In general, I’d say that being significantly over weight is a bad witness, and for me in particular it’s a problem because I know it limits my ability to what I most want to do – minster to marriages. So I am now working diligently to lose the weight, and then to keep it off.

As I was thinking about this the other day, I wondered if the rates of obesity differ in Christians and non-Christians. Google confirmed what I expected – the faithful are far more likely to be overweight. One study found that as a group Christians have a 50% higher obesity rate than non-christians. Another found that the more religious individuals were (based on the common metric of frequency of attending services) the more likely they were to become obese. By middle age, a third of the most religious are obese!

Why would Christians have such a big issue with weight? One clue comes in the finding that the most “restrictive” groups have the highest rates of obesity. So, for example, in general those denominations that forbid all alcohol use would have higher obesity rates than those that approve of drinking in moderation. This goes back to what I said yesterday about self-control being limited, and that adding to God’s rules means something has to give. In most churches, being overweight is “safe” – odds are it won’t get mentioned from the pulpit (especially if the pastor or his wife are a bit heavy) and it’s not likely to be on any accountability list. When food is the one excess that is allowed, it’s to be expected that many will eat to excess.

I realise I am stepping on some toes here. I don’t expect I will mention this often, if at all in the future. I am concerned what an overweight church says about us, and what it says to the world. If God uses this to nudge you, great. As to marriage, I know being more fit makes sex better, and that being overweight can lead to a variety of sexual problems, including erection problems. Maybe that is the necessary motivation for some!

Reference: Firm Faith, Fat Body? Study Finds High Rate of Obesity among Religious

Seen on Twitter: Jesus turned 120 gallons of water into wine. The church has been trying to turn it back into water ever since. @PeteGreig

If you are convinced Jesus turned water into grape juice you probably don’t see the humour in that – sorry. However, the point I want to make is that we who follow Jesus have a very bad habit of adding to what He said, or altering what He said, or finding a reason why that was then and this is now so we can ignore what He said.

I bring this up because I see plenty of this in the areas of sex and marriage. Some of it is “allowing” things we should not, but there is also the other side, trying to call things sin that God never called sin. I see both of these as wrong, and both as harmful. Today I’m focusing on adding to God’s list of sins.

This is nothing new. Speaking of the scribes and the Pharisees, Jesus said:

“They tie up heavy burdens, hard to bear, and lay them on people’s shoulders, but they themselves are not willing to move them with their finger.” [Mt 23:4 ESV]

The Pharisees added hundreds of laws to what God gave them. They would have argued that their additions were based on the Law, and were designed to make sure people did not break the Law. One Messianic Jew explain it to me this way: if the rule is “don’t touch the oven” then adding a rule to not enter the kitchen is designed to make sure no one can touch the oven and thus sin. The problem with this is that God forbid doing this in Deuteronomy 4:2. The Pharisees apparently felt that they knew better than God did, and that they had a justified reason for violating the Law by adding to that Law. Those who add to the rules Jesus gave us no doubt feel the same way. They think their intentions are good, but God says otherwise.

The real danger of telling people not to do things they can do is that people are then spreading their self-control too thin, and something is going to give. Recent studies have shown that self-control is a finite thing, and that in many ways it’s like a muscle. Exercising it can build it up, but over working it exhausts it for a time. God understood this, and gave us the strength to resist real temptations. However, He did not give us enough strength to resist the real temptations plus a bunch that mankind made up. Adding rules to what God says pretty well assures us that people will fail at something, and it may well be one of the things God really said to avoid.

Paul also had something to say about this:

“If with Christ you died to the elemental spirits of the world, why, as if you were still alive in the world, do you submit to regulations– ‘Do not handle, Do not taste, Do not touch’ (referring to things that all perish as they are used)–according to human precepts and teachings? These have indeed an appearance of wisdom in promoting self-made religion and asceticism and severity to the body, but they are of no value in stopping the indulgence of the flesh.” [Col 2: ESV]

Legalists who add to God’s rules are, according to Paul, practising a self-made religion. Their limitations and seeming self-control may seem impressive, but Paul says these things can’t help control the things the flesh desires. This is no doubt why it is far too common for those who ascribe to such strict limits to be exposed for some sort of sin. Their pious additions to God’s rules don’t protect them, but rather make them more likely to end up in sin.

By the way, neither this nor yesterday’s post should be taken as a lead in to me announcing some newfound “liberty”. My concern is to find the truth; that God ordained place of balance between “anything goes” and “everything is sin”. These are the two lies of Gnosticism, and both are alive and ruining lives today. It is easy to let an excess in one direction push us too far in the other. Don’t let this happen to you – the truth is in His Word, and we don’t need to add to or modify that because of what we see happening around us. Let us learn to live the truth regardless of the excesses and abuses around us.

Links to blog posts that stood out to me this last week:

Assume Love

I Could Do It Better: Ever said that? Ever thought it? Read this.
I Know Things Should Be Done a Certain: Similar to a recent post I did – but better done.

Black and Married with Kids

The “Real” Benefits Of A Couple’s Retreat: A great tool for building your marriage.

Engaged Marriage

A Simple Love Story (and the secret to a happy marriage): How long has it been since you and your bride had a date?

The Generous Wife

Moonlit Moment: Yes, women like this stuff.
Escape Into Grey: My bride’s comments on Fifty shades.

Hot, Holy and Humorous

7 Tips for Having Sex at the Parents’ House: Great sign to post!

Intimacy in Marriage

Crappy Marriage? What if it Doesn’t Get Better?: A must read if this is your fear.

Journey to Surrender

The Power of Positive: Doing: The action part of positive.

Marriage Gems

Top 15 Reasons Romantic Partners Fight: A thought provoking read.

Marriage Life

What Comes Naturally: “Just because something comes naturally to us doesn’t make it good. Or from God. And just because something doesn’t come naturally to us doesn’t make it bad.”
This Side of the Fence: A thoughtful post on the issue of homosexuality.

Marriage Works

Serve Your Spouse In Love: This is how it should go.

My Beloved Is Mine

Inner Demons?: If she has committed adultery, how are you doing with the thoughts the enemy wants to use to destroy your marriage?

Mystery 32

Porn for Women: Another post great on “mommy porn”.

One Flesh Marriage

Sex With a Bun in the Oven: A great post on sex during pregnancy.
Then Comes Baby in the Baby Carriage: An inclusive and well done post on sex and marriage with a new-born.
Momma Had A Baby: A dad’s view of how a baby changes mom and sex.

Romantic Act of the Day

How do You Talk About Her in Public?: It matters a lot – here’s why.
Brush Her Hair : Most women love it, and Rich tells you how to do it right.

The Romantic Vineyard

Stop Grey From Becoming The New Black And White: Yes, another one!

Safe at home

TMI: When We Say Too Much: An important lesson I am still learning.

…to Love Honor and Vacuum

Sex Shouldn’t Need Batteries: Christians and Sex Toys: I don’t agree with Sheila on this one, but it’s well reasoned and reasonable.
Don’t Forget How Much They Want Us to Fail: This is beyond belief! The world REALLY wants to see Christians fail. 

More spice!

This post builds on what I said last week in A disturbing trend in female sexual preferences. In that post I noted that a growing number of women are reading “erotic fiction”, and that this genre is becoming both more explicitly sexual, and is moving more and more beyond the bounds of usual sexuality. It’s not just young single women who are reading these books, middle age and older women, married women, and mothers are all reading novels with graphic sexual content in growing numbers.

Is this fiction changing what women want sexually, or, as some claim, is the genre becoming popular because women are waking up to what they “really want” sexually? While I have no doubt reading such things can change what a woman wants sexually (its basic brain science) I think the bigger issue is why a woman would be drawn to this kind of fiction – and that’s a very complex issue. Beyond that, I think it’s an issue for you even if your bride never picks up erotic fiction. Why would a woman be drawn to sex where she is powerless, where she is totally submitted to the urges and whims of a man?

Some argue that this is how women were created, that they want to be dominated – either sexually or in all ways including sexually. The claim is women can’t enjoy sex with a man who has no passion, that she needs him to have a raging hormonal force behind his desire. Thus, the theory goes, a man who knows what he wants and will have it no matter what is a huge turn on, and such men are difficult to find in our current world. I think this comes close to a true difference between men and woman, but it’s not dead on, and it takes it too far. I would agree most women are not turned on by wimpy, and are turned on by a man being masculine. I think the kind of things found in erotic fiction are an exaggerated caricature of what women want, but close enough for many that they latch onto it as the closest thing they have found.

Now let’s take this past fiction; what if your sweet bride asks to be spanked, or restrained, or for you to decide to have sex with her and not take no for an answer? What if she wants something more than vanilla sex? Should you go along with what she wants?

I don’t think we can draw a clean line here – things on this side are okay for all married couples, while things on the other side are wrong for all married couples. I think some acts are fine for some couples, but wrong or even dangerous for others. Why? In large part, I think it’s about why couples want to engage in those acts.

It has been well documented that women who have suffered sexual abuse have a variety of reactions to that. Some shy away from all sex, but many become promiscuous and seek “sexual novelty” – things most find “kinky”. Some gravitate towards the kind of sex involved in their molesting, some to other acts. Sometimes it’s a simple matter of what they know from experience, and it can end up being a lot like a fetish. Other times their preferences are a way of dealing with happened to them – if they ask for something, they are in control and that helps to make it hurt less. For others it’s the “freedom” of not being in control, and thus not to blame for what happens, or for their enjoying it. Regardless of why, the real issue is this: does doing those things in their sex life help them move on, or does it keep them stuck – or even make it worse?

What we do when we are sexually aroused becomes rooted in our brains as sexually enjoyable, if we climax, that connection is even stronger. This is not some theory: studies have been done in which people are conditioned to be sexually aroused by inanimate, non-sexual items by having them incorporate those items into their fantasies or by masturbating while watching something that shows those items. This “arousal conditioning” works well for making things erotic, but tends to fail at making things stop being erotic. It’s easier to add “turn-ons” than it is to remove them.

Engaging in any sexual behaviour forms a feedback loop, making that behaviour more and more enjoyable and more and more desired. If a couple is healthy and balanced, this is not a big deal, because it won’t go very far. However if either husband or wife have things they need to work out, getting into certain sexual behaviours can make it far more difficult to deal with those issues. In short, is her desire for a sex act an attempt to escape something, or suppress something, or make something bad in her past seem okay? If it is, fulfilling that desire may cause even more problems in the long run.

Another factor here is how far she wants to take something. If a woman gets aroused by a few firm swats on the rear (most don’t) that’s not a huge issue. The pain and pleasure centres are very close in the brain, and arousal can blur those boundaries even more. Beyond this, the buttocks are a sexually sensuous part of the body. This means there is a biological reason why a light spanking arouses some women. Okay, but what if she wants more than a mild spanking, or what if it starts out that way and she wants it to get harder? I’ve spoken with a couple of men who went down this path. At first, it was fun, but after a while, she couldn’t enjoy sex if it was not preceded by a spanking that left her with marks for days. One man told me he becoming so concerned that he was finding it difficult to get an erection. I have no idea what was going on with these women, but I suspect a good psychologist would have found something in their past that explained their desire for increasingly harsh spankings. Initially the spanking seemed to help, but there was a limit to how far it could go, and then things were even worse than when they started.

One imperfect way to think of this is to liken it to drinking. Many can drink socially and never get drunk, but an alcoholic can only say no to the first drink. If your wife is not the sexual equivalent of an alcoholic, then it’s unlikely you will have problems if you explore various non-vanilla forms of sex. On the other hand, if she is the sexual equivalent of an alcoholic, things can easily get out of hand. The first few times may lead to some of the best sex the two of you have ever had, but then it could get ugly.

The bottom line here is that there are no easy one-size-fits-all answers. I believe God has given us a great deal we can enjoy sexually, and I think that includes some things that go beyond what many think of as “normal”. Some things are good for all couples, some are wrong for all couples, and some I think are good for some couples but not good for others. You have to understand your bride, and yourself, and deal with things prayerfully.

Two other related issues:

Some have suggested that erotic fiction is a good way for a woman to explore her sexuality and find out what she likes. Funny, I’ve heard the same things said about visual porn! Issues of sin aside, the problem with this is that exposure to erotic images and words does not help us find what we enjoy; it causes us to start desiring things we previously would not have enjoyed. Wrapping things into a strongly arousing package takes it past just giving us something to consider and pick up or put down as we like. The arousal bypasses some of our usual thinking and clarity, and that leaves us vulnerable.

If you are sexually frustrated, it’s tempting to try anything your wife suggests sexually. If you try something and it gets her aroused, or helps her to climax faster or stronger, it’s very tempting to see that as a win and just keep doing that thing. Sometimes these things are fine, and can help a couple develop a better sex life. However, sometimes it starts out great then becomes a problem. Just be smart and alert so any problems can be addressed while they are small. Go slow, if it’s okay slow won’t be a problem. If slow is a problem, maybe it’s not okay.

Every 28 days ...

I had a lady email me and suggest I explain to men how a woman’s cycle influences her sexuality. This showed me that many might not know about the articles section of The Generous Husband. Articles and a few other things are on the left column of the web site, the first drop down box.

Articles:

Buying lingerie without dying of embarrassment
Her Cycle 
Non-sexual Massage 
Sexual Massage 
Orgasmic Massage 
Porn 

Also:

My bio 
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