Why do you watch TV - is it for relaxation, is it a way of numbing yourself to problems, is it just a mindless way to fill time? Do you you watch things that you like, or do you just turn it on to find anything to watch? Do you ever use TV as a way of spending time with your bride, or do the two of you watch different things, meaning the TV separates you?

I am not against TV - it makes a fine tool, but a very bad task master. If you are spending too much time, time you really can't spare, on the TV, then I would suggest a change is an important step towards being less busy and having more time for what is important.

Some folks just pull the plug, cold turkey. Others move the TV - out of the bedroom, or to a room other than the living room. A good way to get control is to record shows, or watch movies, or rent TV shows on DVD from Netflicks or some other such service. This way you can set aside time to watch TV, rather than having to plan your life around the TV schedule. If you find you are recording more than you can watch in the time you have alloted, then cut something out.  Decide what you really like, and watch that.

Finally, for some the TV is not the problem, but the method used to waste time or to escape reality. I know folks who ditched TV and then found new ways to waste time and escape reality. In this case the real issue was something else, and getting rid of TV did not help them at all.

One of the big killers of marriages is couples who don't spend enough time together.  Regardless of why, a couple that is not spending time together is starving their marriage. Starve it long enough, and it dies.

If this is you, and I think you know deep down inside if it is, you need to make changes now, before it's too late.  You need to make your marriage a high enough priority that it gets the time it needs.  What you cut out is up to you, but cut out something - please!

• Commute time - In the mid 60's my father's 15 minute each way to work commute was longer than most folks.  Today an hour plus is common on both coasts, may large cities, and for many living in the suburbs.  Travel time for shopping, school and entertainment are also all up substantially.
• More organised sports etc. for kids - The days of pickup games and playing after school with the kids on block are gone. For many families it is unusual for everyone to  be by 8 PM, and not having the whole family home by 6 PM is the norm for most.  Parents spend a lot of time taking kids to sports, dance, music, and so on - and more time attending games, recitals and shows. I am NOT against these things, but they rob parents and kids alike of time that could be used for building family and marriage relationships.
• Eating out - Getting everyone into the car, the drive, the wait for your meal, the wait for the bill, and the drive back home all take time - time not spent in eating at home. Time saved in cooking and clean up is saved for just one person, while the extra time is taken from all.
• More stuff - When I was growing up, my family was upper middle class.  But we had one car for years, one TV till the 70's, one simple swing-set for outside play, and far fewer inside toys than kids have today; and that was the norm for a middle class family.  More stuff means one has to work more time to pay for all the stuff.  One of the reasons both parents work in most families today is that it takes two incomes to afford the lifestyle they have chosen.
• TV, The Internet and Gaming - I will address these later this week.

Please understand that I am not calling any of these wrong or bad.  But these are things that eat up a lot of time for many folks, and if you want more time for anything, you have to cut back on something else.

Busyness is a major problem in our modern world, and it contributes to many divorces, unhappy marriages, and non-existent sex lives. I will be doing a few posts this week on the issue of busyness - I hope y'all can find the time to read along!

BTW, for those of you who are tying to follow Jesus, if you are too busy to spend time with Him, you are most certainly too busy!

Dr. Klein is not a Christian, and you won't like some of his world view, but he is dead on in the post I quote from above. Sex does not happen in a vacuum, and every part of your life has some impact on your sexuality. In particular, every contact you have with your bride in some way helps or hurts sex for both of you.  It doesn't take many negatives to dampen her desire for sex, and her ability to enjoy sex. And while we guys are generally better(?) at having sex despite a relationship full of problems, these problems do harm our desire and enjoyment - especially if we are no longer in the grip of the blind physical drive of our teens and 20s.

There are exceptions, but for most the best way to get a better sex life is to start by working on thing totally unrelated to sex. Learn to communicate, to enjoy time together, to care and honour each other, and good sex will be a lot more easily had.

BTW, I know that sometimes the relationship problems got much worse after sex fell off, and sometimes the problems are largely the fault of a drop off in sex.  But don't let the assumed cause and effect lead you to think the thing to work on is sex; regardless of why there are non-sexual problems, they are hurting your sex life

Bennefits: (A note on the links - the pages to which I have linked are "clean" but most of the sites will have ideas not reflective of Christianity.)

• Improved immune system - and probably more oxytocin
• Reduced stress, and better coping with stress
• Improved mind function
• Better understanding of those around you
• More accurate self assessment
• Better problem solving skills
• Improve your walk with the Lord
• Feel happier

And one more - journaling results in some women getting a wake up call about their sex life - or lack of same - when they find out they don't do it nearly as often as they think. Other women find that journaling about sex helps them to admit to fears that block sex, or to desires they have been resisting.

If this is you, I would say that on some level you fear what would happen if you did these things. The possibilities are nearly endless. Some reasons don't make rational sense - and those are the most difficult to deal with. A few to get you thinking:

• If you do these things are weak
• If you do these things, she "wins"
• If you do more, she will do less
• She might come to expect it
• She might appreciate it and do something nice for you
• She might want to be more intimate (in general)
• If you need her, she has control over you
• There are parts of yourself you don't want to share, or don't want her to know about

It seems to me that when we marry, we are promising to become one - and that requires us to be intimate in every way possible.  If you are holding back, if you are fighting intimacy, you are failing to fulfill your promise to be her husband. If this is you, may I suggest you fess up to her?  Tell her you know you are holding back, and if you have any idea why, share that as well.  Be clear that you know this is about you, not her, and is a result of your fear or sin, not anything she has or has not done. As for her prayers, patience and support as you work to change.