44forks

Walking on the roadside: charming or trying?

2008-10-23T18:38:16+00:00

One of the many infuriating habits I've picked up while attempting to feign good manners on a daily basis is to stay on the roadside of anyone I'm walking with. In part this comes from a basic kind of inbred courtesy, but I fear it is now more deeply rooted than that; perhaps I was a sheep dog or mother of octuplets in a previous life.

My better half finds it especially frustrating that I walk ever closer to oncoming traffic like some kind of narcotized bunny baffled by the halos of bright white lights. She's probably right to fear for my safety and mental health in this way, and it's made me think again about the role of quaint courtesies in modern life.

The roadside rule revisited

For those more familiar with the offside rule, the roadside rule is far easier to comprehend: it simply states that gentlemen and bright young things should walk on the road side of the pavement when escorting their betters, like so:

The reasons for this are shrouded in mystery, but I suspect that the idea emerged from a noble intention to prevent the older, wiser, and fairer from being splashed by passing carts or having to step in one of the less pleasant types of equine emission.

The problems begin

The rule may have held up very well when having 500 horsepower meant that you owned a very large shovel, and sales shopping wasn't a recognised Olympic sport. Today, though, modern town planning and an influx of traffic has rendered walking on the roadside nearly impossible, in part due to such 'conveniences' as pedestrian crossings, which induce a devilish breach of etiquette that I shall dub the 'curséd crossing':

Sadly, concepts such as 'Summer Sales' and 'Last Reductions' only add to the likely number of curséd crossings, reducing the art of gentlemanliness to a crass kind of urban ballet. The result is the cruel misfortune of having to constantly switch sides after each passage across the street and end up appearing like a bumbling fool.

Add to this the modern and ever-present conundrum surrounding whether or not courtesies displayed for the opposite sex are charming, trying, or simply rather old-fashioned, and the golden spoon in the ever-hardening porridge of confusion becomes somewhat more deep-set.

But fear not, loyal reader! 44forks is delighted to present some honest advice for those poor men and women unsure of how to escape such quandaries, optimised accordingly for both parties.

Tips for shepherds

Gentlemen: she is not a sheep or beast to be commanded. You are not competing in One Man and His Dog. If you find yourself actively herding the fairer sex and you are not working in the Close Personal Protection industry, relax and lie down for a while.¹

Yes, it's tough. Modern gentlemanliness is frankly a farce; you'll be thought of as a hero if you display an overall air of charm and good manners without appearing to try, but rapidly branded as an oafish old fool if you put on too much of a show by, say, insisting that you swap sides every time you cross the road. It's a delicate balancing act, but the general rule is this:

When it comes to gentlemanliness, think like the SAS.²

Call it manners in Stealth Mode, if it helps. Walking on the roadside should be an effortless and thankless task that happens naturally without active thought. The moment you try to take control (or get rumbled, as I was) your mission has failed. You can try to reduce the odds of having to switch sides by only crossing the road when absolutely necessary, but I suggest that you keep it natural instead of weaving in the wake of your companion like some kind of cosmopolitan swallow. It doesn't matter if the roles are reversed from time to time: it's called sexual equality.

Above all, don't try to cook up brownie points by being overly pompous. You'll only end up baking a tart of yourself.³

Tips for shepherdesses

Ladies: If you find yourself being herded, try to resist the urge to punch his lights out. At one point, someone with a devilish sense of humour will have told him that he can recapture his lost desire to become an SAS action hero by practising good manners in "stealth mode", or some such meaningless twoddle. He'll genuinely believe that he can be gentlemanly without you noticing how hard he's trying. It's sad, I know, but for God's sake humour him, won't you? No man likes to openly admit that he's making a desperate effort to impress you.

And, in our modern age, there is absolutely nothing wrong with taking charge if you prefer to play the part of the shepherdess. I confess that such a role reversal makes me feel deeply uncomfortable, but I probably deserve it, and you will likely enjoy the same sense of bewilderment and confusion it creates on the face of your own Action Man.⁴

Final thoughts

As with all matters of etiquette, walking on the roadside is one of those ridiculous rules that you may think no-one would miss. In reality, though, such phenomena as the butterfly effect suggest that ignoring the simple rule altogether may result in the irreversible breakdown of society or, at the very least, a death penalty for driving too fast through a puddle.

Choose your own paths wisely.

Preferably in the traffic. ↩
The Special Air Service is a unit of Very Scary Men in the British Army, like Delta Force in the US but with a more humble pledge: they swear to carry out arduous duties with no recognition, no rewards, no promotions and no medals. Think of them as the modern-day Knights of the Round Table, but with C8 assault rifles instead of sharpened metal sticks. ↩
I apologise profusely for this hideous play on words, but must warn you that this is only the beginning. ↩
If you try switching places and he's not at all phased, might I suggest pointing him to this post so he can see that he probably should be? ↩

Email: destroying the art of conversation since 1971

2008-09-26T18:33:51+00:00

Editor's note: This delightful guest post was penned by the charming Hayley Thomas, and deals with the horrors of workplace email netiquette.

Is it just me, or is emailing someone to have them make you a coffee the height of bad manners?

Thankfully, I don't have to work with or even see the person in question again, but there are many times when email is used, especially in work-related situations, when maybe it isn't the correct tool for the job. You wouldn't use hedge trimmers to cut the lawn, would you? Unless you weren't feeling particularly attached to your limbs.

Most people who work in offices seem to receive more email than they ever thought possible. They receive so much that their job has changed from whatever it was they signed up for, to 'Chief Messenger', where the whole day is eaten up replying to people who will be on the phone if they don't receive an answer within five minutes. (The creators of the Manufactured Emergency, which is a whole different topic!)

But the ones that annoy me the most (except for the obvious ones about enlarging body parts that I wasn't born with), are those sent across the open-plan office floor asking if anyone would like a biscuit, if they would mind turning the radio down, or pretty much anything that fits on to two lines or less and doesn't include a link, phone number, or tricky spelling. Stand up and talk to each other, people!

If you are someone who sends an email to the person sitting next to you to ask them to pass the stapler, please desist. Consider how much email you get; they probably receive just as much, maybe more. Just ask them. With words. From your mouth.

This is only the beginning. If more people in offices spoke to each other, they might find that they have so much more in common than just working in the same beige room with musty carpets.

And if you just cannot comprehend the annoyance of this type of email, consider what would happen if you reversed the idea and emailed someone in another country to fetch you that coffee. You'd have to be open to the suggestion that you were losing touch with reality.

The Poke Chart: Facebook etiquette made easy

2008-09-20T00:54:07+00:00

William Shakespeare would have loathed Facebook. Among the many questions he might have for its users, 3 would rise above the rest:

What on earth does Shakespeare is my homeboy¹ mean?
To poke or not to poke?
Stop calling me 'Willy'. Got that?

The second question is what concerns us, and, until today, the answer was far more confusing than it needed to be.

Current theories

Depending on who you befriend, Facebook poking--the act of clicking 'poke Jeeves' to send him a virtual nudge by email--is subject to a wide range of confusing regulations.

The Facebook group lovingly titled Enough With The Poking, Lets [sic] Just Have Sex goes as far as laying out what it calls the '10 Commandments of Poking', one of which reads 'don't poke anyone you don't want to have sex with'.

If only things were so simple.

Writing for the Times Online, David Rowan suggests that 'the split is largely along age lines'.² He proposes that under-25s are the ones most likely to be superpoking their friends and sharing their drug-fuelled exploits. Ha! As if their parents are less liberal than they are.

Today on 44forks, I'd like to put forward a solution: that Facebook etiquette should not be governed by anything as rude as your age or as crude as your sexual conquests. Instead, it is about one thing only: the coffee bean.

Facebucks: etiquette via espresso

You can tell a great deal about a person by dragging them to Starbucks and seeing how they react to a choice of 87,000 possible drink combinations.³

It's time to uncover the hidden link between that decision and your Facebook poking preferences. A warning before we begin: the chart that follows may alter your beverage choice forever.

The Poke Chart

As simple as it is powerful, the Poke Chart sets out a clear guide to poking your fellow (wo)man based upon your coffee preferences:

Here's how to use it:

Decide who you wish to poke.
Follow the row until you reach your usual beverage.
Poke accordingly if prompted.
If not permitted to poke, resist or change your drinking habits.

For example, if you're thinking about poking a crush and your regular choice is a cappuccino, resist the urge. It's simply not in your nature.

Isn't this all just nonsense?

Yes, yes it is. Beautiful, trivial, stick a pencil up your nose and run around in your pyjamas -style nonsense. Frankly, the world needs more of it.

While it may look a little flippant and fancy-free, there's a hidden world of assumptions waiting to be drawn from the Poke Chart. For example:

No self-respecting tea drinker would have a Facebook account for their dog.
Double espresso junkies will poke anything with a heartbeat.
Mocha lovers are scared of commitment.
Frappuccino slurpers should phone their parents more often. They're starting to feel left out.

If you're intrigued by this brave new world that straddles the realms of clairvoyancy and overpriced coffee, and want to know how to apply it to other areas of your life, the good news is that we'll be returning to the theme in future. Subscribe and stay tuned.

If, on the other hand, you're a double espresso drinker who feels terribly hard done by at the suggestion that you might lack restraint or social standards in some way, feel free to poke me should we ever meet in person.

As if I could stop you, anyway.

A reference to the oddly-titled Facebook group of the same name, consisting of 100+ members. The group description simply reads 'For everyone who thinks Shakespeare is the shit'. Charming. ↩
Log on and rediscover the generational gap [Times Online] ↩
Starbucks Stays Mum on Drink Math [Wall Street Journal] ↩

Launch party: what the fork is 44forks?

2008-09-20T00:39:39+00:00

Wouldn't parties be peaceful without all the people?

Imagine it: no nervous glances across the dining table to see which fork to use; no concerns about whether holding the door is a faux pas or fire hazard; no last-minute phone calls to discuss what on Earth smart casual means; no vomit on your iPhone.

Sadly, other people are here to stay. And so it follows that our lives will be forever riddled with hidden rules, silent conventions, and sweaty rooms filled with the muted tut-tutting of that irksome clan, The Ones Who Know Better.¹

44forks exists to explore the largely unwritten regulations that shape our homes, offices, and societies–not because I pretend to have all the answers–but because I'm just as confused as you are.

44forks is 97% devoid of upturned noses, 42% bereft of sarcasm, and virtually prat-free. The site will encourage good manners and examine their decline, without concluding that it's all the fault of Hippedy Hoppedy music or the PlayStation 3.

From etiquette to netiquette

Posts will be spliced neatly into two categories:

Etiquette examines traditional graces with a modern spin. While nostalgic sentimentalism may sometimes seep through, the emphasis will be on offering light-hearted guides for modern-day survival that you can adopt or ignore as you wish. To whet your appetite:

Dating advice for fine young unsuspecting men

Netiquette looks at the lost world of good manners on the internet. 44forks extends the term to include the social conventions surrounding all connected devices, be they mobile phones, iPods, laptops, or toasters. To begin with:

The Poke Chart: Facebook etiquette made easy

If you'd like to receive a polite notice for free when Polly the post pigeon arrives with new tips, kindly subscribe in your feed reader or get free email updates.

44forks the book

In addition to the regular online delights published here, I'm currently preparing the 44forks book. Whether your goal is to fake it 'til you make it, learn how to eat a banana with a knife and fork, or just have a good chuckle at the silliness of it all, you'd be loopy to lose out. Sign up for the launch announcement at the bottom of the page and get a generous discount when it's ready.

Ask an etiquestion

Finally, you are welcome to submit your etiquette queries or quizzes on the etiquestion page. A selection will be answered each month, with priority given to those which feature the words "lacy", "boudoir", or "frightfully indecent" with accompanying anecdotes or photographs.

Thanks for popping by. If you'd like to learn more, please visit the about page.

Never to be confused with The Ones Who Should Know Better, a sorry group consisting of five-year-olds and married men. ↩

Dating advice for fine young unsuspecting men

2008-09-19T10:58:56+00:00

If young men knew the creative ways their girlfriend's parents judge them,
I suspect more of them might wear belts.

Years ago, when I first started courting--or dating, as it's now known--I was delighted to discover that I'd passed the secret test which all mothers use to vet their daughter's boyfriends:

'I'm pleased to say you've made the cut, Nick. I like a man who knows how to handle his cutlery.'

Presumably she'd expected me to clean my nostrils with it. Regardless, from that day on, I became utterly horrified of putting a fork wrong. I rushed home to research the strange customs that might be expected of me at next week's audition.

What follows is a list of tips to ease the transition from clueless rogue to lovable Romeo. If they save a single love-struck fool from peering down a concerned father's shotgun from the transactional end, I'll consider my time well spent.

Introductions

The first meeting will feel awkward. Take solace in the fact that they're even more worried than you are. Probably with good reason.

The usual advice about 'being yourself' does not apply here. Compliment, but don't suck up. Touch, but don't touch up. Be courteous, but not creepy. Smile, but never grin. Keep both hands above the table at all times. Unleash your 'personality' only when they've seen that you're human underneath it.

Walking on the roadside

Most fathers of a distinguished age will recognise walking on the roadside as a sign of good manners and sound upbringing. On some small level, they will take comfort in this. Their daughter may be sharing a bed out of wedlock with a scruffy, jobless hooligan, but at least she won't get splashed by passing cars.

The full rules surrounding walking on the roadside are strange and needlessly complex, which is why I'll be criticising them separately soon.

Dining

Dining is an absolute minefield, and you're bound to get something wrong. Relax. If you remember one thing only, remember this: your fork is not a shovel. Mothers notice these things.

Fathers will be determined to feed you up to a level they deem manly enough for their daughter, especially if you are skinny. The degree to which they take hidden pleasure in giving you large amounts of stodgy food will vary tremendously, but eat whatever you're given. It's very much like gambling: if he raises you a baked potato, see him by wolfing it up. Never back down. He'll run out of chips eventually.

Phone calls

Concerned parents can and do listen in on their children's landline conversations. If you're calling your girlfriend to share a witty observation about her mother's garden gnome collection, consider phoning her mobile instead. If you're calling to have phone sex, use an encrypted line or find a different outlet, you filthy swine.

Love letters

Few men write these any more, which is a shame, because most women want them. If you decide to use the written word to wax lyrical about her lustrous locks or radiant rump, consider toning it down a little. To her parents, there is no better justification for your murder than having their suspicions confirmed in your scrappy handwriting.

Staying the night

If you are blessed with an offer to stay over, accept whatever conditions they impose with grace and dignity. Now is not the time to argue over the sleeping arrangements.

If you're asked to kip outside in the stables, do so with a smile. If anyone should object, it will be your girlfriend. If she doesn't, you've probably done something to deserve it. Think carefully... ah... yes--that's what it was.

Congratulations! You've passed!

Naturally, when you've bluffed your way into what passes for acceptance, you can fall back into your terrible old habits, you calculating so-and-so. You've probably earned it, after all.

Just remember: that shotgun's always loaded.