No, iPhoto. This is not my Grandfather.

There are just completely random images not containing a face at all that it assumes are individuals. My grandfather again, in this case:

And I also get a little creeped out when it picks random doll heads out of images and suggests that they may be certain individuals.

Those dead doll eyes just freak me out.

Going back in time is such a vivid experience.

And the little girl is absolutely adorable. She reminds me of my nieces.

I believe we are set on a path from the moment we are born. Where that path leads, no one knows, not even the Universe. Every decision we make is another step down the path, and with each step comes a cosmic readjustment. Our place in the world is reassessed, and what we needed before that step is different than what we need once we’ve taken it.

I am a firm believer that the Universe gives us challenges in our lives to not only test us, but to make us stronger. It allows us to take strength from our accomplishments, revel in our successes, and view our lives from a different perspective that we may not have allowed ourselves to experience without a gentle push. The Universe gently nudges us in the direction it knows we need to go for our own personal growth.

The words destiny and fate, when applied to our lives, bring to mind a grand, world altering purpose, like being the chosen one in a mythical story. But personal destiny needs be nothing more than living a healthy life, creating a happy family, or being the best person you can possibly be. Sometimes, and in fact, most times, personal destinies will never be appreciated by a great many people. Only those that matter. And for a humble person, this is all that will matter.

And it is this way of living that will inspire others to do the same. You plant a seed that will spread among the people who know you, and in turn know them; a few seeds turn into hundreds, and into thousands. Millions of silent destinies existing together to change the world for the better.

Ride the wave the Universe creates for you and realize we’re all chosen.

I also realized how many of my goals are simply related to traveling, in one way or another.

The fact is, our life isn’t a Choose Your Own Adventure book. We aren’t allowed to make a decision, then go back and see what would have happened had we done things differently. Sure, at times it feels like it would be nice, but in all honesty, would we want to?

I can say I’d wish to go back and be more careful that one June day, when I got into an accident with my Mom’s car just after I got my license. I could wish to go back and choose to stay in college, or save more money, or something much more impactful, like going back to warn my Grandmother before she passed away. I could wish all of these things. But it makes no sense to wish for things you know you can’t change.

If I change one small thing, it would cause a ripple effect that would have an effect on how my life has played out. I may not have the strong relationships that I share with my wonderful sisters today as an adult. I may not have my great brothers in law, my awesome nephew, and my beautiful nieces. And I may not have, by chance, walked into a bar early one Friday evening in March 2010 and met my soul mate.

Any change I could go back and make could potentially erase all of those things from my life, and I can’t possibly imagine living without any of them. The decisions I’ve made are mine. The scars I have mold me into who I am. And they have all shaped my life into something that I can’t imagine changing.

So while I may not have a desire to change any aspect of my life, going back to relive a certain moment has a certain appeal to me. Not to change anything, but to just experience it again. To observe, possibly by reinhabiting my body.

Christmas was always a happy time in my childhood. I always loved visiting my Grandparents house on Christmas Eve, feeling the excitement of waiting for Santa, and giggling with my sisters Christmas morning, whispering between our bedroom doors to decide who was going to wake up Mom and Dad. Passing out presents, putting on our new clothes, then off to my Aunt and Uncle’s house for dinner with the rest of the extended family, sharing the tales of our Christmas hauls with our cousins.

It was a wonderful and magic time, for me, and I’d love to go back and visit it just one more time.

I’d love to remember what it was like to feel the innocence of childhood. To revisit those who have gone, and walk away with a fresh memory that would only be moments old, instead of the fading 40 year old memory I now have. To hear their voices again, and see them smile at me. To taste Gram’s cooking, and Auntie’s baking, and Grandpa’s bread. To feel the joy we all felt when the family was together, sharing old stories, and making new ones.

The older I get, the more I miss those times, and I’m sure that is true for just about everyone. The further away from a memory, the harder it is to recall. Such is the curse of growing older.

All we can do to help preserve it, is pass along the memories we have to the children in our lives, so that we’re being present and living in what will become the memories they long to remember, because the children in our lives is the closest we come to having a time machine.

2. I dip my french fries in my chocolate shake. Trust me on this one. Salty and Sweet! It’s awesome. The fries and Frosty from Wendy’s are best.

3. Sometimes I talk and make “Snyder noises” while I’m sleeping. “Snyder noises” are just little random whimpers & noises. The origin of the name will remain a secret. Those who know me and my family know what it means.

4. I might have a mild obsession with Star Wars. Maybe. But it’s not unhealthy. Right?

5. I can’t sleep with my back facing an open doorway. Do I really need to explain this one?

Walking through the aisles looking at all the titles, and browsing through several different ones, I started to gain an appreciation for them that I didn’t have before. They were interesting stories with complex characters, and the artwork pulled me in. I was intrigued how they were able to tell such elaborate stories with great heart and emotion with wonderful imagery and minimal dialogue, and created different feelings, like tension, excitement, and so on, simply by how the different panels fit together on a page. It was a lot like filmmaking, using creative edits and framing techniques to subliminally stimulate emotions you want the reader to feel. Having been interested in the art of filmmaking for many years, this is what appealed to me, initially.

I stopped near the section of Captain America comics, and I started browsing. I think it was just by chance that I was standing in front of them, I’m not sure, but I ended up grabbing a paperback collection of the newest Captain America series and flipping through it. I was immediately pulled in to the story, and decided to take it home.

I loved that Cap (Steve Rogers) was a man who was misplaced in time, having lived his early life in the 1940′s, and then frozen in ice for 60 years to awaken in a world he never could have imagined. I’ve always loved the seemingly simple time of the 1940′s. Movies like A Christmas Story and The Rocketeer I enjoy, not just for their stories, but for the time period they are set in. It has always been a magical time to visit, for me, and I was immediately drawn in to it with the Cap comic I picked up.

Then the character grew on me. He was a puny, sickly kid, bullied and orphaned at a young age, who wanted to join the Army to make a difference, but was continually told he couldn’t due to his size and medical history. He never gave up trying, and I loved that determination and spirit he represented. He was a good man; one of honor and respect. He loved his mother and wanted to do right by her memory, and he never backed down from a fight, not matter how badly he was getting his butt kicked.

Then one man, Dr. Erskine, recognized that this boy had heart, and recommended he become part of a secret military experiment called Operation: Rebirth, which sought to develop a means of creating physically superior soldiers. Kind of like steroids on steroids, on steroids.

Steve Rogers was given the injection, and immediately began increasing in size and muscle mass. He grew into the perfect human; healthy and strong. He was no longer that small, weak, sickly boy who had been picked on. But one thing that didn’t change was his heart. He remained the same decent man he was on the inside. That was, and still is, the appeal of his character to me, and they focused on that in the incredibly entertaining Captain America movie that was released over the summer.

Something we all need to be reminded of sometimes.

The biggest obstacle I had to face, that controlled me through much of my 20′s, was that I didn’t like myself. From my early teen years to my late 20′s, I hid who I was from the people who cared about me out of fear. It made me feel abnormal, and like a disappointment. I didn’t like social situations because I couldn’t be myself. That, in turn, made me angry and bitter. I couldn’t control who I was, and the added challenge of being attracted to both men and women made the confusion even more frustrating. I didn’t know if I was just telling myself I was attracted to women to keep myself from being gay, or if I really truly did like both. It was a turbulent time for me, and lasted far longer than it should have.

I can say now, at 42, I am more centered and happy than I ever have been in my life. I feel like I am 15 years younger than I am, and I feel as if I am finally living the life I was intended to live. I’m doing the things I want to do in my life: returning to school, living a more positive life, enjoying my friends and family, writing and encouraging my creative side, and living quite happily with my partner of a year and a half.

I wish I could have enjoyed this Peace and feeling of self acceptance much earlier in my life, but I also wouldn’t take back the struggle I had to go through to get here. It makes me more appreciative of where I am now, and gives me a much deeper understanding of who I am than I ever would have been able to experience without it. So, I am not bitter about the struggle. I don’t let it control me. That struggle, sharing it with others, and the insight it helped me realize about myself, is what has allowed me to help others find peace with themselves. Turn pain into something positive, otherwise you drown.

Sometimes the simplest of things can change your life.

awaken early
watch the sunrise from my bed
new day to explore

Fall has always been my favorite season, with its damp, wet mornings, and it’s bright sunny afternoons with big piles of orange and yellow leaves in every yard. Of anything, the smell of Fall leaves gives me the strongest olfactory response. It takes me right back to the mid to late 1970’s, when I was a young pup on my way to school with my lunchbox in tow.

A rainy, misty morning just before sunrise, and the smell of those damp leaves in the air filled my nose so often that the smell still takes me back. I’d pick my seat on the school bus, wave to my Mom through the window, then sit and stare out the window: nervous and scared of what my new classmates and teacher might be like, but also excited. And I’d watch as each of the other students boarded the bus as it stopped, with the “psssssst” of its brakes, and the creaky, squeaky sound of the bus door opening as the bus driver pulled the handle to let the students in.

Those steps onto the bus always seemed so large to me, and as I think back on watching those other kids board the bus, I’m reminded of how slowly each of them (and I) had to walk up those stairs; one step at a time, holding onto the rail, and hearing the clomp of their shoes or boots on the steps, one….at….a….time. You’d see the top of their head as they approached the top step, and then they’d turn and begin walking down the aisle. The nervousness filled them as they looked down that long row of seats, trying to find a seat left with a window. At least that’s what I did.

I’m currently in a massage therapy program, and for the next seven months I’ll be awakening at 5am every day for class that begins at 6:00. I started back in June, and ever since then on my drive in to school each morning, I’m reminded of these old memories of school. The fear, the excitement, and how lonely I felt sometimes.

I was (and still am) very close to my Mom, and my family, and I remember really missing my Mom when I first had to go to school for a full day. When lunchtime would come and I’d be sitting in that lunchroom with hundreds of other kids I didn’t know yet, I’d open my lunchbox and there, along with the smell of that old metal lunchbox and peanut butter, would be a note from my Mom written on my napkin, and I’d feel safe. It was one of those things she did for me that I’d never have told anyone else in school about, but I’d take that napkin and tuck it in my pocket, so that for the rest of the day, anytime I felt lonely, I could pull it out and look at it.

I wish I still had those old napkins, but I’m just thankful that every Fall I remember them and think back on them, remembering that place in time when I was just a little boy who loved his Mom on a rainy morning.

And then I tuck my finger in my pocket to see if the napkin is there.

The incredible Massage Instructor that taught our Intro Class used to end our day by saying a terrific quote that became one of the nicest little daily traditions of our class. I now start each day with this on my mind.

“Be kind to yourself and to others. If you have a choice between being right or kind, be kind. There are enough people in the world who are right; but there are not enough people in the world who are kind. So be kind. And kindness begins with yourself.”

~ Ms. Pauline

Fitting, since I’ll be returning to school on June 27th and becoming a certified Massage Therapist.

10klakes.com © 2011

Life certainly throws us some challenges, doesn’t it? The past few years I’ve certainly been dealt a few. Relationship challenges, employment challenges, and just general day-to-day challenges. It’s certainly kept Life interesting, that’s for sure.

But through all the shit, I wouldn’t change a moment because I wouldn’t be where I am today if I hadn’t been dealt those challenges.

I went through a period of being afraid. Petrified of what path Life had planned for me. But now, I am happy, maybe for the first time in my life. Truly and genuinely happy. Yes, challenges still abound every day, but due to the unexpected path I was put on due to these Life challenges, I met the person I was destined to spend my life with. I met many friends I never would have otherwise met, who have proven to be such an integral part of my life, I don’t know how I went through the first part of my life without them.

I’ve learned to appreciate the smaller things in Life, like a walk, a sunrise, buds on trees in Spring, and the colors of the leaves in Autumn. I’ve discovered that snow has a distinct smell, and that the moonlight can be as warm as a sunbeam if you’re with someone you love. I’ve learned to appreciate the people in my life who share this path with me, and I’ve learned to let go of what was, and embrace what is.

As I was growing up, my Gram used to always say, “God never gives you a challenge he knows you can’t overcome”. Well, my views on religion have changed a bit since then, but I still believe she was right. Life never deals you something out of spite. It gives you the gift of change. And it not only deals you something it knows you can handle, but it gives you something you need.

If you are selfish, it makes you humble.
If you think you are weak, it helps you realize you’re strong.
If you don’t like yourself, it helps you find your own beauty.
If you feel alone, it helps you realize you are not.
If you fear, it gives you comfort.
And if you are trapped, it releases you.

We just need to be open and receptive to the change. We need to understand that Life has been here longer than we have, and it knows what we need. We need to trust it will bring balance to our lives if we just believe the challenges we face are there because we need them.

Do not be a victim of change. Be an Explorer.

10klakes.com © 2011